Today, September 18th, was the day last year that I went along to my 12 week scan blissfully unaware that my baby's heart had stopped beating.
I was kept waiting as they had misplaced my file. In that time I was looking at lots of pregnant bumps and women making happy plans for the future.
I remember thinking it was possible that baby might have some abnormality [I had the previous week turned 40] and that I would deal with it if this happened... but I really did not imagine that at 12 weeks I would have had a missed miscarriage[baby had died at 11 weeks]. I had not had any pain or bleeding [and actually this was the first thing the sonographer asked before she said she couldn't see any blood flow... then she was sorry but she couldn't see a heartbeat 
] She asked if I had had any infections but I had been fit and well as far as I knew.
I later of course hoped I would fall pregnant again. I avidly read accounts of women who were pregnant a month following their miscarriage but this didn't happen for me. Then the baby's due date came and went and I still wasn't pregnant. Now today and still not pregnant. Turned 41 last week and facing the fact that it might never happen, I may never have another baby.
I am marking anniversary on my own as I never told my family I was pregnant [long story]. DH has forgotten I think and I haven't reminded him as he is having a really shitty time at work and is stressed and exhausted. I don't really want to add to his woes.
So I thought I would mark the anniversary here.
Thinking of you little sweetheart and I hope you are well and happy wherever you are.
I have not forgotten you and never will XXX