Hi everyone,
Not sure what my question is, just need to vent. In July I had an early MC at 6 weeks. We'd starting TTC #1 in April, and it was my first (V brief!)experience of pregnancy.
Physically it was just like a heavy period, though I'm pretty certain I spotted when I 'passed' the lil' bean (sorry if TMI) and although I was obviously upset, I didn't feel too shaken by the experience.
Somehow though, going through the first post-MC period has felt more upsetting - somehow it felt different to other periods, and it was just a bit gutting to be back on the menstrual cycle merry go round.
We had avoiding TTC during that first month, and now my DP has suggested a longer break - we are reaching the final stages of what's been a stressful flat renovation, I'm entering the third year of my PhD (the research council maternity leave was a big draw in TTC in the first place!) and my DP has a busy freelance business. His argument is we have a lot on our plates and he wants a few months of just enjoying our new place and having quality time with just the two of us (not to mention a 'final' few big nights out) before we plough ahead with TTC.
(for reference, he's 31 and I'm 28, so in general we have time on our side I guess)
I do agree with him, I've found the TTC process quite all-consuming, I've struggled with body issues and various things in the past, and it's thrown up a bit of stuff suddenly seeing my body in a new role - and it not doing the 'right' things in that role.
But I still feel sad - for the pregnancy I've lost, for the process of pregnancy and motherhood which I have been looking forward to, not just since we decided to start TTC, but for a really long time - I've always felt strongly about wanting to have a family.
I also feel guilty about my agreement with my DP's suggestion - does this mean I never really wanted to be pregnant in the first place? We had a shared moment of 'Oh f*ck' following the positive test...
Meh, how can such a little thing set of such a big swirl of emotions?