3 years on and still not over it

[LouisaJF]

My first pregnancy ended in a MMC 3 years ago. We had no idea anything was wrong until we went for the 12 week scan. We were so excited and even saw our baby on the screen before they told us it was dead. That is an image that will stay with me forever.

I handled it all very badly at the time. I grew up being discouraged to talk about my feelings and so I couldn't open up to anyone. I do not have any contact with my parents but I could hear my mums voice ringing in my ears telling me not to he a victim and that no one was interested, something she used to tell me a lot. My DH is very matter of fact, and whilst he was utterly devastated at the time, he was able to get to grips with it and move on quite quickly. His view was that for some reason that baby wasn't meant to make it and better that we lost it now than further down the line. For me, I felt like I had lost a child and grieved as such.

I knew that the only thing that would ever make me feel better was to be pregnant again and I was right, although it was an understandably scary time. I am incredibly lucky and have two beautiful little boys now, but I still think of the one I lost every single day. I cry for him privately a lot. I then make myself feel worse because I feel guilty about this; I have my boys and I should just be grateful for this and move on.

DH admits that he never thinks about it and nor does anyone else, it's just me that can't let go. I'm pretty sure that I'm not normal in how I'm handling all this. How can I move on? I feel awful at the thought of forgetting him but this pain is so much to bear.

[eurochick]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'll never forget the one I lost but two things really helped me - the due date and the anniversary of the mc passing, and becoming pregnant again. I grieved at both of those points I mention and I needed to.

Could you do something to trigger your grief and give you some sort of closure? Maybe send something symbolic down a river or out to sea?

[LouisaJF]

I wanted to do something like that so DH suggested we name a star. It was a lovely idea and some nights I look out and talk to him. It doesn't feel like I need a way to cry, I do it all the time.