Mums Miscarriage help for a Man

[mumshelpme]

Ladies, I am at my wits end and didnt know where to turn so found this site through a search engine.

Basically, my girlfriend and I have been together for just under 5 years. Our relationship was great and we were planning to marry next year. During the first couple of years together we were very stupid sexually and didnt use protection bar the occasonal morning after pill. We then thought after a couple of scares that she would go on the pill. She was on the pill for a year and a half and in that time it affected her in a few ways and i kind of insisted she came off the pill. She was always tired on the pill, fell ill more often, felt depressed, found sex more painful etc. Then i messed up, we had unprotected sex and she made me promise to not come inside her, but i did. Its my biggest regret to this day! Afterwards every time we had sex i wore a condom. A couple of months later she was rushed to hospital and was told she was pregnant but would probably miscarry within a week. We were shocked but then she had been displaying pregnancy symptoms but it just didnt click to us until now. After a week, she still hadnt had the miscarriage and we agreed that if she didnt miscarry we would keep the baby. Even though this would cause problems with her parents as they are very old fashioned but we loved each other and said we wouldnt be able to live withourselves if we had an abortion. Then i had to go to the USA for a wedding for a few days, she couldnt come as she works as a techer and couldnt get time off. She miscarried whilst I was away - the phonecall she gave me still haunts me where it was just uncontrollable crying, ive never felt so helpless being thousands of miles away.

Since ive got back she says she has no sexual feeling, wont kiss me on the lips, and wont hug me properly as she doesnt want to fell my private area against her. All these things i think are understandable and in fact sort of expected. She says she misses me when im not with her but when im with her she gets angry with me and irritated very easily, i often spent no more than 10 minutes a visit with her. I probably put too much pressure on her as i didnt know how to react and thought maybe she needed me to be there thus not giving her space.

She says now she doesnt see a future with me now and that she loves me but not as a partner. She says she feels violated that i came inside her when i promised i wouldnt, i dont think this is why she is angry. I think she is mourning the baby and just doesnt know how she feels and that what i did was wrong but afterards( before we knew she was pregnant) she wasnt that bothered. I have been asking her to just give it more time, its not even 2 months since the miscarriage. That il give her space. Ive mentioned councilling, but she isnt keen. Do antidepressants help, someone said st Johns Wart helps? I love this woman so much and cant let her go without knowing i gave it 100% to save what has been the happiest 4 years 8 months of my life. If she is to leave me it will destroy me but then id want her to at least be on the path to feeling normal even if we were not together.

Any help please

Give her time. Be available for her, make sure she knows you love her, tell her every day, but I understand that she is greiving and it will take time. I hope there are some other people here who can help you better.

give her time to heal emotionally, tell her you love her and hug her, the rest will follow in time.

Her anger may come from guilt maybe initally she didn't want the baby and then came round to the idea but then when she miscarried she maybe felt she was being punished for not wanting it.It takes 2 to have unprotected sex but she has so much anger inside her and you are the obvious target. If you love her as much as you say you do stick with it.It is still very early and one of the stages of mourning is anger. Keep in regular contact, don't react to her anger,tell her you are sad too. Make it clear that you do not expect sex as she is probably terrified of becoming pregnant again and maybe having the same experience. Keep telling ehr that you love her and in time if she loves you things will improve.

Hi there
Sorry to hear of your loss.

m/c are very hard on women, our hormones as well as our greiving make the whole thing very traumatic. I have had 3 and even though baby was well wanted , and husband tried to be suportive, i still got angry and upset with myself and him.
I know this may sound weird but - your partner probably now wants another baby, even after abortions most women have a baby within two years, it's something to do with the hormones being set into gear and perhaps realizing what you lost.

Most of all try and cheer her and you up -go do something nice together, talk to her tell her how you feel, and then she will talk more. If you can get through all this you will have a much stronger relationship

Maybee tell her about this site even -the only way most of us cope is to talk to others, who have been through the same.

Take care

hi yer ,i m/c 2 wks ago(being my 8th M/C)and me and my husband are at each others throats every 5 mins,we usually get on so well but i am at my angry stage at the moment and was hoping he would understand and make allowances for me,but this time he isnt understandin how im feeling and is screaming back at me which im finding really hard,i no he has lost something to,but it is so different for the women,we suffer so many diferent emotions after incuding guilt .just be there for your girlfriend in every way possible,if she asks you to go away go but maybe just txt a nice message,if she screams at you ,just listen ,dont scream back.im sure shell come round ,but in her own time .just be strong and patient! good luck

sorry forgot to mention like uki,if you can get your girlfriend to use this site im sure she would really find it helpful in all ways ,ive just found it and it has helped me soooooooo much.

hi mumshelp me, i'm 5 weeks on from m/c each day is getting easier and your girl will start to feel herself again but just as candygirl suggest's get her to read this site and hopefully she'll get the strength from it that alot of people including myself have got. the guilty feeling after an m/c is so harsh it's almost undescribable but i took alot of it out on those around me before i tookit out on myself, give her time and just be there for her when she is ready x

St. John's wort can help mild depression, but probably not grieving. (Also, it interferes with contraception, so be careful!) I had a m/c a couple of days ago (first time) and it was VERY scary and really unpleasant. I imagine she might be angry because (even though it was not your fault) she had to go through it alone. Chances are she will view things more rationally in time, but agree that there are a lot of emotions, including guilt, wondering whether it was your fault and whether you could have done anything to avert it.

BUT something like 1 in 3 pregnancies end in a m/c, whether you do something or not in the early stages apparently has little effect on the final outcome and it is (at the end of the day) often a way of getting rid of a non-viable pregnancy. Hard as it might be, I think it is much easier than finding out that your baby has died inside you (hope this wasn't the case) or has a serious condition and being faced with the decision of whether or not to terminate.

We want a second baby, but am a bit nervous of getting pregnant again because it would be awful to m/c again, so can understand her keeping you at arms' length. Agree that it would be worthwhile suggesting she look at this site as she would undoubtedly get support and possible a different perspective. If you look at other threads, you will see that there are people who have had multiple m/c and still go on to have a successful pregnancy.

Stick it out - chances are she will come around, but what she needs now is lots of love and support. Good luck.

PS - also raises the spectre that you might not be able to have a baby... Never thought we would have any difficulties having no. 2 until Sunday...

I agree with you that the anger probably isn't about youe coming inside her, just about the repercussions of that event, nonetheless, she will now associate that with the pain she's feelling so sex might be difficult for some time. I think whenany woman has a miscarriage there are 2 huge factors you need to be aware of and I'm sure in one way or another they've been mentioned. The first is that it's a bereavement, a person your fiancee loved has died, my feelings I think were made worse because I never got to know that person, hold them or tell them that I loved them, they just died. Grief is not depression and they need to be approached differently. The 2nd factor is the fear of not being able to have children, there's something very primal about it, and the only way to get over it is actually to have a successful pregnancy.

What you can do is there, holdher when she wants to be held, back off when sheneeds space. Idon't knowhow your realtionship works but for me, I needed to hear how much my husband wanted the baby tooand how sad he was to lose it - the compoundingfactor in grief is feeling like your the only one who cared - she her she's not alone and that you are sad too.

You can also find help on the internet from the miscarriage association though I would second what someone else has said, point her towards this site and she'll find plenty of support.

I hope you both work things out - perhaps you could print this out for her, your opening comes accross so genuine and your love for her really stands out, I'm sure it would touch her.

Thanks for all the advice, well i went to see her on Tuesday and spent 20 minutes talking to her. I told her how sorry i was for everything and how much she meant to me etc. I had stuff i needed to say to her and didnt want to leave without her knowing . We have agreed to wait and see how things go for now. Instead of seeing her everyday we will meet when she wants, probably twice during the week for 10-15 minutes then maybe go for lunch over the weekend. I am not putting any pressure on her but im finding it so hard not to be hearing her voice and seeing her as often as before. But i guess its for the best long term and hopefully things will work out for us. I know if i pressurise her she will make a decision i wont like so by keeping back and just supporting her she has less reason to make a snap choice.

Giving her time seems to be the key but i want to be there enough so she knows i care and love her. Today i know she had a tough day at work and was frustrated on the phone so i kept the coversation short, again told her how much i love her and to get a good sleep.

At this stage we will wait and see what happens but im in better spirits knowing there is a chance, however slim, of her feeling better and being with me.

You guys are great and i appreciate your advice so much, it may prove to save our relationship and if that happens i will be forever greatful

Message withdrawn

hi mumshelpme just on line and thought i'd see how everything was going x

A few ups and downs, with a couple of big arguements but its been a week now since we stopped fighting, seen her once and things are going ok. Just got to keep remembering that a week is very little time even though it seems like ages. CAn definitely see things are going in the right direction and she is a lot happier with the space, the day she saw me she was so happy and hugged me for 10 minutes. The next day over the phone she sounded so tired. When shes tired I can tell her mood is so much worse, she is having a tough time at work (teacher of 8 year olds), working from 7am till 6pm most days and has had arguements with her 2 best mates. I can see signs of depression now but am sure we are doing the right thing. We have agreed to give it a few weeks and see what happens, have booked off half term from work so if shes feeling better in 4 weeks we can maybe start seeing each other more but im leaving everything up to her.

that's great news compared too how you were feeling two weeks ago i'm really pleased for you both. did your girlfriend take up the offer of talking on mumsnet??? i sank really low after my m/c and work was the hardest part for me as there were seven of us preg at same time and only i lost so going back was really tough but talking on here has really helped.

Well thought id give an update. Things are moving very slowly, we spoke today and she basically said she loves me but the love has changed and its not like a couple anymore. She has no passionate feelings for me or anyone and just wants to be on her own. 1 positive was she said before that she got easily irritated by me and angry when we spent any time together, now she says she is ok meeting up but doesnt want to give me false hope. We have still decided to give it some more time and actually meet up once a week for lunch/dinner.

The main thing we said was that it was worth trying but we cant go on like this forever, and we will again see what happens.

I think she is on the road to recovery and hoping before the end of the year things can get better

Well looks like im going to have to admit defeat here Shes convinced shes depressed cos she doesnt have feelings for me like she did. I tried to suggest the depression was related to the miscarriage and that a depressed person often thinks their relationship and feelings towards their partner is waning. Printed off this article for her:

sheknows.com/about/look/2688.htm

She has split with me and wants to be left alone she says. She starting St Johns Wort as i told her it could help a little and shes not prepared to see GP at moment.

Its 5.5 months since the miscarriage and her feelings towards me changed within 2 weeks of the miscarriage, which is why ive never believed it when she said she doesnt love me anymore. But i think im getting to the stage where i admit defeat, maybe not seeing or speaking at all will help

Cant wait for the end of 2006

I am really sorry to hear that. All you can really do now is just be a friend to her and who knows, maybe when she is feeling more herself, things might improve. Sending virtual hugs and good luck vibes.

Hope things work out how you want, but you sound like a great person, if it doesnt work out with this girlfriend, dont give up, there is someone out there who will appreciate how wonderful you are. Also such a caring person would make a great Dad.

sorry to hear this, I think you sound wonderful and caring and tried very hard.
All i can say is "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be"
you will find hapiness again.