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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

WIBU to tell her I cant be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding

163 replies

ots · 02/06/2014 23:22

It was the hardest thing ever to tell her. :( . One of my oldest friends is getting married in less than 2 weeks. She asked me about a year ago to be one of 6 bridesmaids and I was so excited.

We're not as close as we used to be, and only stay in touch via Facebook, and occasionally meet up. She doesn't have a mobile, and they dont answer their landline incase it is debt collectors!!

Anyway, I found out last wednesday that I had had a missed miscarriage. I was 8 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks. Had ERPC today to remove the pregnancy. We are devastated, and on top of the emotional pain I am bleeding, and likely to be for at least a week. My bridesmaid dress is tight, uncomfortable, and a pale colour.

I sent her a message on Facebook (as cant bloody ring her!) and told her I couldn't do it. Waiting for a reply and feeling very nervous. So... WIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
sunshinecity17 · 04/06/2014 09:35

Seriously,I mean what I say
I work with a lady who's 8 yr old son collapsed and died out of the blue recently.It really upsets me that you are putting this in the same catagory as what my poor colleague is going through.An early MC is awful, but it is not the same thing as losing a child you have nurtured and loved for years and I really resent you flippantly suggesting it is.

spiderlight · 04/06/2014 09:36

So very orry for your loss, ots. I had a MMC 18 months ago and there is no way I'd have been able to face a wedding so soon afterwards. I had to endure a big family Christmas a week later (with nobody but DH knowing - we had been planning to announce the pregnancy to everyone at Christmas) and that was bad enough, but at least then I was able to hide away in a bedroom for much of the time - no way could I have spent the day on my feet doing wedding-party in a pale dress! I'm sorry your friend hasn't been more considerate :( Look after yourself now and don't worry about anything else.

Messygirl · 04/06/2014 09:37

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whattheseithakasmean · 04/06/2014 09:37

'please think carefully what you writeDo not equate a MC at 8 weeks with losing a child

I am going to support sunshine in what she wrote then hide this thread.

My healthy son died in tragic circumstances when he was a year old. It is completely different to a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks and anyone that tries to tell me otherwise is lucky and privileged because I would assume one of their children hasn't died.

I don't believe in hierarchies of grief, but, like sunshine I do think you should be sensitive with terminology about a child dying and I am not going to see a poster get a pasting for a reasonable statement.

Rebecca2014 · 04/06/2014 09:38

it sounds like you op do not care much about her anyway by what some of your messages have said.

I do not get why people can not sympathies towards the bride? she has just under 2 weeks to find another bridesmaid who is the same size as her friend! it is just one day and who knows how you feel in 2 weeks time?

But it sounds like you do not care anyway about losing this friendship so hey ho.

ots · 04/06/2014 09:38

sunshine are you suggesting I just suck it up and get on with it? Are you suggesting I stand and pose for photos with lots of happy people with a big fake smile on my face, all the while waiting for blood to leak into my dress?
Of course an 8 week MC is not the same as losing a living child. Does that mean we loved our baby less? We had made plans for this child, we had talked about names, we had wondered whether it would have DS' crazy hair and cheeky smile. We loved our baby and ourbaby died.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 09:39


That is truly truly devastating and I'm so sorry to hear about your friends son. I can't even imagine what she and her family are going through.

No one has made any comparisons here though. We were just offering Op support.

OddFodd · 04/06/2014 09:39

ODFOD Sunshine

Messygirl · 04/06/2014 09:39

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MandarinCheesecake · 04/06/2014 09:39

Duckett if the op's friend had been a little bit more sympathetic and shown some sort of concern then maybe the op would have tried not to let her friend down.
She shouldn't be padding herself up for someone who clearly doesn't understand or care what the op is going through.

sunshine Its not only the physical aspect (yes bleeding may have stopped by then) but the emotional aspect of it is also a huge thing to deal with, grieving doesn't stop just because life goes on.

There are certain situations that trump a wedding hands down and this is one of them.

OP I think the lack of communication tells you everything you need to know. The friendship is probably over.
Concentrate on getting yourself well and give yourself time because that's all that matters. She didn't sound like much of a friend anyway so you are probably better off without her.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/06/2014 09:40

I do not get why people can not sympathies towards the bride? she has just under 2 weeks to find another bridesmaid who is the same size as her friend! it is just one day and who knows how you feel in 2 weeks time?

My heart bleeds. There's only five other bridesmaids Hmm

sunshinecity17 · 04/06/2014 09:41

Ok well I've said my piece so I'll leave now except to ask what OFDOD means?

Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 09:41

Five other ....mannequins by the sound of it.

Universal · 04/06/2014 09:42

I'm sorry for your loss. You've had so much good advice on here there is very little I can add. I would say that weddings do strange things to brides and I know I was pretty self absorbed in hindsight. If this friend is a good friend to you and brings joy and laughter to your life then she'll see sense at some point and apologise. Keep the door open for her and I hope post wedding she sees how truly lovely you are (you come across as someone I'd want in my friendship group) and apologises for her actions.

Messygirl · 04/06/2014 09:45

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Meeeep · 04/06/2014 09:45

I have never once said that losing a child once they are born is the same as having a miscarriage but she still lost a child/baby. I lost my baby, a hell of alot of women on this thread have lost babies.

You are the one who has drawn a comparison between losing a child through miscarriage and losing a child through other circumstances.

The circumstances are different, the grief is different but don't minimise the effect of losing a child to miscarriage either. Fuck off off the fucking thread if you don't like it. This is not the place for a bun fight or insensitive posts minimising miscarriage and how much it can devastate the parents.

OnlyLovers · 04/06/2014 09:46

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Universal · 04/06/2014 09:48

I posted before the if read the last few posts. You've got enough going on without people being silly on here. You just take care of yourself and your family. Until I had a mc I didn't realise the pain it caused and how hard it was to get through physically and emotionally. Channel all your energy into getting through each day and make yourself your no 1 priority. I'll not post anymore but will be thinking about you over the coming days and weeks.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 09:50

OP keep posting as a when you need a bit of extra support. Ignore the posters who are being insensitive. There are many women on this thread who will be on hand to support you any time you need. Thanks

Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 09:50

Hear hear Thanks

Messygirl · 04/06/2014 09:58

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springbabydays · 04/06/2014 10:17

OP as we get older and our lives and priorities change, our friendships sometimes change too. It can take something like this to make it clear when a particular friendship has run its course.

slithytove · 04/06/2014 10:19

I've had a full term loss. It's only relevance to this thread is that I can understand a bit what OP and other posters are going through.

Therefore that is the only reason I'm including myself on this thread - to be as kind and supportive as I can. There is no need to compare losses, and if I felt that need, it would not be appropriate for me to post here.

OP, still thinking of you, again, you did the right thing regarding the wedding.

Perhaps request a thread move, as Aibu brings out the worst in some people despite the sensitivity of the topic Thanks

Messygirl · 04/06/2014 10:22

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lljkk · 04/06/2014 10:33

You are both going thru stressful & emotional experiences, OTS. I hope that you can salvage your friendship when all this settles down.

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