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WIBU to tell her I cant be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding

163 replies

ots · 02/06/2014 23:22

It was the hardest thing ever to tell her. :( . One of my oldest friends is getting married in less than 2 weeks. She asked me about a year ago to be one of 6 bridesmaids and I was so excited.

We're not as close as we used to be, and only stay in touch via Facebook, and occasionally meet up. She doesn't have a mobile, and they dont answer their landline incase it is debt collectors!!

Anyway, I found out last wednesday that I had had a missed miscarriage. I was 8 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks. Had ERPC today to remove the pregnancy. We are devastated, and on top of the emotional pain I am bleeding, and likely to be for at least a week. My bridesmaid dress is tight, uncomfortable, and a pale colour.

I sent her a message on Facebook (as cant bloody ring her!) and told her I couldn't do it. Waiting for a reply and feeling very nervous. So... WIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 03/06/2014 10:37

When I was planning my wedding I would be mortified to think a friend of mine was agonising over this on my behalf. I've never been in your circumstances or anything even close to that but I can empathise and would be immensely sympathetic, even in my bride-haze.

Some people can be dicks though and while you most definitely NBU, don't be surprised if she is a total cow about it.

Ourma · 03/06/2014 11:46

OP I think you should be prepared for her to very selfish, considering she didn't offer to let you step down as bridesmaid when you told her about the mmc. If it was me who was getting married and a bridesmaid told me this, my first response would have been to say, you do not need to come to the wedding never mind be BM unless you want to. So the fact she didn't says a lot. Don't even think about her though if she does. You need to look after yourself. I hate people who think their wedding is more important than everything going on in everyone else's lives! Hugs

dannyboyle · 03/06/2014 11:57

Depends a bit on how close you are to her and how you feel. I've ha to erpcs following two mmc at 12 weeks. It is tough, horrible etv but life does need to carry on. I say this as someone who was bridesmaid to friend and did reading the day after an ERPC 5 hours away. It did help to know that life carried on and those who knew were very supportive inc bride and groom so perhaps different circumstances.

Messygirl · 03/06/2014 11:59

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Messygirl · 03/06/2014 12:00

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Topaz25 · 03/06/2014 12:03

Sorry for your loss. Of course YANBU, you need time to recover physically and emotionally. A real friend would understand.

ots · 03/06/2014 12:19

Thanks for all your lovely messages. You've made me well up a bit.

It's been 4 hours since she read the message, and has been online loads since and still hasn't replied. That tells me everything I need to know. She's sulking, she's pissed off with me. And she still hasn't even said "ots how do you feel?" :( .

I wish I would be able to feel strong enough to go, and hats off to you danny you must be very brave. I think if we were closer, and she was more understanding, if she's even asked how I was, it would make a bit of a difference. Right now this wedding is the last thing I need to be stressing over.

Of course I may feel fine on the day, but if I don't then I can't let her down at the last minute. At least this way she has time to get someone else to do it if she still wants 3 pairs of bridesmaids.

I think I'm going to decide what to do based on her reply (if she ever bothers to reply)

OP posts:
specialsubject · 03/06/2014 12:37

so sorry for you, OP.

she may just be trying to think of what to say - at least I hope that is the case. But you know her best, and if you think she is sulking, then waste no more time on her.

I wish you all the best and better times.

Aqualegia · 03/06/2014 12:45

OP - I am getting married in less than 2 weeks, so when I saw your first line I had a terrible sinking feeling that it might be a friend of mine. Not that we're really doing that stuff, but ... anyway ... if it helps at all, the sinking feeling was horror that anyone would feel so guilty about my wedding day! If you feel dreadful (and I've just gone through what you have, so I imagine it's very similar - totally shit, in other words), of course you can't go. And sod the symmetry. People are more important than symmetry, surely!

Wishing you better x

The sinking feeling

diddl · 03/06/2014 13:04

Well unless she pulls something out of the hat pdq, she doesn't deserve for you to make the effort & go.

EllaFitzgerald · 03/06/2014 13:19

I don't think I'd even want to go to the service if I was in your position.

You and your DH are going through something absolutely heartbreaking at the moment. She's given you absolutely no support and the only comments she's made have been thoughtless and hurtful. On top of that, you'll have to deal with her sulking because you haven't fitted in with her plans.

Be kind to yourself. You don't need to put yourself through what promises to be, at best, an uncomfortable and awkward day.

Trillions · 03/06/2014 13:20

Sorry for your loss Flowers

You're not unreasonable to have pulled out but it might have been better to message her something like "urgently need to speak to you, please ring me or tell me what time I can call you" so you could tell her on the phone rather than in a FB message.

Messygirl · 03/06/2014 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ots · 03/06/2014 15:04

Well still no reply and she's been online for the past hour. I'm hoping this means she's trying to decide what to say, but after the way she acted about her hen night I'm not so sure.

Trillions under normal circumstances I would definitely have tried to speak to her on the phone. However I try to avoid conflicts at the best of times, and I know I wouldn't be able to cope if we had an argument. In a message, if she gets funny at least I would be able to compose myself before replying. I just don't feel strong enough for any sort of a row yet.

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 03/06/2014 15:52

Well, she's bound to be disappointed. Maybe she just wants to compose herself to make sure her disappointment doesn't show through more than sympathy.

That said between the matching bm dresses and mention of hen night maybe not.

If she gets in a strop about it, that's her look out. You've done nothing wrong.

Meeeep · 03/06/2014 15:56

OP I know it's easier said than done but stop worrying about it.

It's an absolutely horrendous thing to go through and if your friend really cannot understand why you feel unable to be part of the wedding she is not a friend worth having. You have done what you can and quite honestly your main focus has to be you right now. Thanks

Summerblaze · 03/06/2014 16:31

Of course yanbu. You should do what you feel you can manage. Everyone is different in the way they cope with things.

I have had 2 mmc followed by erpc. Both mine were at xmas so i kept all my plans and felt that it helped to carry on with life. I was devastated and heartbroken but i would have stayed at home and been a mess. I always felt worse at home. All my friends and family knew about it and were supportive.

This is, however, how i dealt with it. We are not all the same. If your friend is a friend she will understand. If not, she is no friend.

Sorry for your loss. Xx

ots · 03/06/2014 18:52

Sorry to hear lots of your stories of mmc. Its such a horrible thing to go through.
aqua sorry to hear you have gone through it recently, but good luck for your wedding. It will give you something to smile about :) .
waffly I'm really hoping that's the case, but its been hours now since she's seen it so the possibility of that is getting smaller and smaller!

I'll let you all know if she replies.

OP posts:
Igggi · 03/06/2014 19:01

Well if she doesn't reply there's your answer. She is minimising your experience, I think, since she hasn't even asked how you are.
I don't think you should go to the wedding at all, if you are at the service but not a bm then you will be asked questions, if you are just not there then can just say you're ill or have had surgery.

BauerTime · 03/06/2014 19:10

OP please don't stress over this. If she is a good person then that is the last thing she would want. If she is U then more reason for you not to fret as she isn't worth it.

That she thinks enough of you to make you her bridesmaid but not enough to let you know she is thinking of you is odd though. She sounds selfish and that her wedding is all about appearances.

dancinggerald · 03/06/2014 19:44

I had a MMC a few years ago. I missed a Grandparent's 90th Birthday a few days later, and being Godmother to my best friend's child two weeks later, I just couldn't go and felt awful about it. My friend was more than understanding, Grandparent not so much, but they got over it. YANBU, and if she doesn't respond with concern, she isn't worth wasting a moment feeling guilty about.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/06/2014 19:50

ots - firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

Can I ask, when you messages the bride, did you spell out exactly why you need to pull out of being her bridesmaid? In an ideal world, she should understand without needing all the details, but from what you've said here, it sound as if she needs it spelled out for her.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/06/2014 19:54

You're having a terrible time, you really need to look after yourself. I don't think you have been at all unreasonable. I'd skip the wedding entirely unless you wake up on the day and think you'd like to go.

ots · 03/06/2014 19:59

Thanks for all your replies.
SDTG Yes, I sent a rrreally long message, in which I first told her about the operation and how sad DH and I were feeling. Then I explained about the heavy bleeding, the pain, both physical and emotional. I couldn't have been any clearer.

My Facebook messenger has just told me she has started typing! Why am I so nervous!

OP posts:
ViviPru · 03/06/2014 20:03

I'd be nervous too OP. We're all here holding your hand.

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