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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

WIBU to tell her I cant be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding

163 replies

ots · 02/06/2014 23:22

It was the hardest thing ever to tell her. :( . One of my oldest friends is getting married in less than 2 weeks. She asked me about a year ago to be one of 6 bridesmaids and I was so excited.

We're not as close as we used to be, and only stay in touch via Facebook, and occasionally meet up. She doesn't have a mobile, and they dont answer their landline incase it is debt collectors!!

Anyway, I found out last wednesday that I had had a missed miscarriage. I was 8 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks. Had ERPC today to remove the pregnancy. We are devastated, and on top of the emotional pain I am bleeding, and likely to be for at least a week. My bridesmaid dress is tight, uncomfortable, and a pale colour.

I sent her a message on Facebook (as cant bloody ring her!) and told her I couldn't do it. Waiting for a reply and feeling very nervous. So... WIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 04/06/2014 08:34

Maybe someone will point out to her what an utter bitch she is being?

I would have to reply and tell her what an selfish cow she is being.

Dukketeater · 04/06/2014 08:47

If she hasn't had kids yet she could take it badly, that doesn't make it ok but just be warned.

Could you do it if you wore a trouser suit with a top in the right colour? That way you could be padded out and still be there for her? X

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/06/2014 08:50

A friend's response would be, "Don't worry for a second about the wedding - just look after yourself. If you feel well enough to be there on the day, we would love to see you. Huge hugs, Your Friend".

She, on the other hand, is behaving like an insensitive arse.

ots · 04/06/2014 08:50

I'm so tempted to say something but I just don't have the energy for it. In a few weeks I'm going to tell her how it made me feel.

Dukketeater (my autocorrect tried to change that to duck eater), she has 2 toddlers. And, her sister had a MC last year so I really thought she might understand.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 08:53

I don't think Op feels particularly up to 'padding herself up' for the impending wedding at the moment.

If you do decide to go I hope your 'friend' appreciates it.

Be kind to you.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 08:53


I honestly don't think having children makes it easier to understand losing a child. People are very ignorant to how heartbreaking it can be, especially when it's an early loss.

The OP doesn't know how she'll be feeling at the time. It could hit her like a ton of bricks again the day before the wedding and she could be an emotional wreck. Being part of the wedding party probably isn't advisable. It's better to let her friend know now and give her time to ask someone else if she wants than to pull out the day before (although even if it had been the day before it shouldn't have mattered one jot IMO friends come first in situation like these)

ots · 04/06/2014 08:58

Yeah, really don't feel up to doing it, but especially not in a different outfit to everyone else (the dresses are all the same style just in different colours, and are very pretty and feminine). That would make me stand out like a sore thumb, then I would get the inevitable questions.

DH thinks that after her response we should just avoid the whole thing. I'm going to see if she contacts me at all by the end of this week. If not then I think that spells the end of our friendship.

OP posts:
sunshinecity17 · 04/06/2014 09:03

I have had 2 MMC although I was sent away and told to wait to miscarry!!
But 2 weeks after the event the bleeding will have all but stopped-certainly no heavier than a normal period.Most women will have gone back to work 2 weeks after a MC
It will do you good to have something else to focus on and I really don't think it is enough to stress out a friend about her big day.

Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 09:11

Personally I don't think Op is 'stressing her friend out' about her 'Big day' at all.

I think everyone deals with loss differently.

Maybe Op will feel up to going to wedding or back to work in a couple of weeks. Perhaps she won't.

I certainly wouldn't put yourself under pressure Op

Think your Dh may have the right idea.

MTWTFSS · 04/06/2014 09:13

YANBU!!! ((hugs))

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 09:17

There is a difference between going back to work and being apart of a wedding party where you will have to spend the majority of a day socialising, getting photographed, being on your feet, dancing and generally painting a smile on your face for a lot of people that you probably don't even know.

Igggi · 04/06/2014 09:17

Sunshine city? Have you had an erpc like the OP? Then do not presume to tell her when her bleeding will stop. I'm glad you coped with your mcs and am sorry for your loss, but you really are being very insensitive.

Hoppinggreen · 04/06/2014 09:18

Yes OP , how could you be so insensitive as to let the loss of your baby stress your friend out on her big day!!
Jeez, some people are un fucking believe able!!!
Sorry for your loss, eat chocolate, cry, sleep and whatever else takes your fancy OP but cut this selfish non friend loose, she isn't worth a second more of your time

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 09:19

Not to mention a ERPC is surgery which she will also be recovering from.

When I had mine I bled for 4 weeks straight and it was a damn sight heavier than normal periods and I had to wear maternity pads. There is no way in hell I would have felt comfortable in a dress regardless of the colour.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/06/2014 09:19


If she pulls out now then bride can find a replace menu or whatever.

Better than leaving it til the day.

And besides why should she have to worry about making sure she's up to it. That's far to much pressure on her at such a sad time. Going to work is a necessity. A wedding with 5 other brides maids isn't. And it would just make her feel worse if she woke up in a bad way and couldn't go through with it.

A real friend wouldn't give a shit about it and would tell her to rest up and that she will visit her after honeymoon when she feels up to it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/06/2014 09:20

Replacement maid

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 09:20

And actually Sunshine if losing a child isn't enough to pull out of a wedding part exactly what is?

Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 09:23


Don't worry about 'padding yourself up' and attending Hmm

And don't worry for a second about ruining a showy wedding of some extremely insensitive bride to be. Because you won't be.

sunshinecity17 · 04/06/2014 09:23

'if losing a child isn't enough to pull out of a wedding part exactly what is?'

please think carefully what you writeDo not equate a MC at 8 weeks with losing a child .

Igggi · 04/06/2014 09:26

I have lost four babies Sunshinecity. If you want to come on here and tell me they were just cells or something, on you go, but be prepared for the reaction.
Hmm Angry

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/06/2014 09:29


If you haven't got anything nice to say, or can't be a but more sensitive I suggest you stop posting.

We aren't debating terminology here, we are trying to offer someone who's feeling down right now, some support. If you can't do that then this isn't a thread you should be on
Just think.


Hoppinggreen · 04/06/2014 09:30

The baby I lost at 12 weeks ( hate that term I didn't leave my baby on the bus or something they died) was a baby and that's that.
Anybody who thinks that losing a baby at a certain stage is better than losing it at another can fuck off to the for side of fuck to use an expression I learnt on MN!
Losing a baby or child at any point is tragic and sadly many people don't get that

OnlyLovers · 04/06/2014 09:30

OP, I'm so sorry.

This is not a friend. No decent person would dream of saying they were 'pissed off' in response to someone who's bereaved, no matter what the circumstances. You're not missing anything by not being there or if she chooses to end your 'friendship'.

Prisoner, just don't go. What's she going to do, come and stuff you into your dress and drag you out of the house?

sunshine, I'm sorry about what you've been through. However, everyone reacts differently and if the OP doesn't feel up to it she doesn't feel up to it. And going to a wedding of someone who doesn't really seem to be much of a friend is not at all the same as going to work.

OnlyLovers · 04/06/2014 09:31

x-posted with sunshine. 'please think carefully what you writeDo not equate a MC at 8 weeks with losing a child.'

Offensive AND patronising.

EchoDragon · 04/06/2014 09:31

ots you 'friend' sounds truly thoughtless. I am currently TTC and find even getting my next period awful some months. I can't imagine how horrendous loosing a much longed for little one is. I am so sorry for your loss.

If my bridesmaid had had a loss the same as yours when I got married I would have told her sod my wedding do what you need. I can't imagine not having said anything else. I hope that in time you friend shows you more understanding and tact.

Sending you lots of hugs and love.

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