My feed

to access all these features

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

WIBU to tell her I cant be her bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding

163 replies

ots · 02/06/2014 23:22

It was the hardest thing ever to tell her. :( . One of my oldest friends is getting married in less than 2 weeks. She asked me about a year ago to be one of 6 bridesmaids and I was so excited.

We're not as close as we used to be, and only stay in touch via Facebook, and occasionally meet up. She doesn't have a mobile, and they dont answer their landline incase it is debt collectors!!

Anyway, I found out last wednesday that I had had a missed miscarriage. I was 8 weeks but baby died at 6 weeks. Had ERPC today to remove the pregnancy. We are devastated, and on top of the emotional pain I am bleeding, and likely to be for at least a week. My bridesmaid dress is tight, uncomfortable, and a pale colour.

I sent her a message on Facebook (as cant bloody ring her!) and told her I couldn't do it. Waiting for a reply and feeling very nervous. So... WIBU and WWYD?

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/06/2014 20:16

Holding hands here too.

You know, not that this in any way excuses it, but I think some people are just completely clueless about how painfully sad (and just plain painful) a MC can be until they experience it themselves or see it close up. Your friend is being extraordinarily insensitive. I am sorry for your loss OP Flowers

mindthegap79 · 03/06/2014 20:18

So sorry for your loss - of course YANBU.

As phoning her isn't an option, ) maybe you could follow up your message with a card or lettrr? A bit more personal than Facebook and maybe easier for you to convey to her how you're feeling.

Look after yourself, sending you a hug.

MammaTJ · 03/06/2014 20:20

OP you have taken me back many years to when I had the same thing happen to me. Same weeks and all.

I had a lot of people saying tactless stuff too, which was horrible, but I now put it down to them really not knowing the 'right' thing to say. But that has come a long time and three babies later.

YANBU, if she cannot accept you cannot cope with being BM, SIBU! There is no way I could have coped at that stage! No way at all! All I wanted to do was curl up and die be kind to myself.

So sorry for your loss.

Meeeep · 03/06/2014 20:24

Did you get a reply OP. If she is anything but understanding she really isn't a true friend. X

ots · 03/06/2014 20:29

Aah, you're all being so kind, started me off again!

She started to type then stopped again and has gone offline. Grr. I'm going to forget about it and log off too! DH has just run me a bath and made me a cup of tea (love him) so going to relax and forget about her for now.

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Meeeep · 03/06/2014 20:30

Good I'm glad you have someone looking after you. Take care of yourself Smile

mameulah · 03/06/2014 20:31


I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

EvaBeaversProtege · 03/06/2014 21:19


No know it's not the same but my sister lost her daughter at a few hours old.

At a social event she couldn't avoid, a small child (primary school p2 or thereabouts) approached her and said, "you used to have a baby in your tummy & now you don't, it's in a hole in the ground."

I remember her raw tears, hurt & pain & every single photo of the day brings horrid memories.

Don't go to the wedding. Stay home & get some rest xx

Iseecows · 03/06/2014 21:27

So sorry to hear about your loss.

Brummiegirl15 · 03/06/2014 21:37

I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks just under 2 weeks ago, and I'm actually a bridesmaid ths weekend. However my bleeding has stopped and I'm banking on that day to distract me, but I'm also worried about my emotions as I am struggling at the moment.

However mine is also related to arseholes at work (not mc related)

However my note is - do you know all I've heard from people? "Maybe it's for the best" and that beauty "at least you weren't further along"

Why don't you fuck off to the far side of fuck off?

But no, no one can know how YOU feel - you mst do what is right for you. Big hugs xx

slithytove · 03/06/2014 21:56

Thanks sorry for all of you who have experienced baby loss xx

Here is a doozy I heard "it would have been worse if you had met her". I'd have given anything to have met her, even if we then had to lose her. I wish I knew the colour of my daughters eyes, or the sound of her cry.

People are insensitive. OP - try not to worry too much, you have done the right thing for your family and people who love you will understand that. Take whatever time you need to recover physically and emotionally.

I would consider not going to the wedding at all as there might still be an element of what should have been.

trixymalixy · 03/06/2014 22:01

YAnBU, so sorry for your loss Sad

ots · 04/06/2014 07:03

Sorry again for all your losses xx

Woke up to a 1 line response from her saying that she is pissed off but does understand. No kisses (very unlike her) and nothing to say she hopes I'm feeling ok or anything. I think this was the best I could have hoped for.

Going to forget about it now and concentrate on getting better. My best friend is coming over today with cake as DH is back at work.

Thank you all for understanding and talking to me through all this Thanks

OP posts:
diddl · 04/06/2014 07:45

She's not a friend OP.

She's pissed offShock, but she understandsHmm-I doubt that at all!

Look after yourself.

puntasticusername · 04/06/2014 07:47

Oh, what a dickhead she is. Every bride is allowed to get a BIT Bridezilla but this goes way beyond that! Forget her, you've done the right thing. Take care of yourself Thanks

Only1scoop · 04/06/2014 07:47

Agree ....she's no great friend to you.

Forget about it now and think of yourself. Have a nice time with your friend today and don't waste your energy on worrying about this wedding.

Thinking of you Thanks

katese11 · 04/06/2014 07:50

:( how meanspirited. I wouldn't bother even going to the wedding. A mc is a huge thing to get over. .. You need to be looking after yourself, not getting upset by other people's politics

ViviPru · 04/06/2014 07:54

Thanks for updating OP. What a cow. You did the right thing. Thanks

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/06/2014 07:55

Well now you know. Just forget about the whole thing and move on.

Take care of yourself. She can go get married and have her panic over five bridesmaids if she wants. It's not worth a second more of your time!!

Thanks be kind to yourself!

OddFodd · 04/06/2014 07:56

Sorry you've had to find out the hard way that your old friend isn't very nice. :(

Have a love time with your bestie and eat lots of Cake

BauerTime · 04/06/2014 08:21

If she understood then she wouldn't be pissed off. She is selfish at best and an absolute arsehole at worst, so please try not to think about it any more and concentrate on yourselves and your recovery.

Meeeep · 04/06/2014 08:27

I would like to think that in the weeks after her wedding she will realise what a horrible cow she has been and be suitably ashamed, however I wouldn't be placing bets on it.

Forget her. You, your family, your health and mental wellbeing are what is most important right now. Focus on that.

Enjoy your time with a real friend today, it will hopefully go some way to lifting your spirits (even if it is just temporary just now)

I know it's easy to say since it's been almost 4 years since my MMC but things do get better. It's a process you have to go through and your emotions will swing from one to the other. You may even get to a point where you feel ok for a week and then something will trigger it all over again. There is no "normal" grieving process. The best advice I was given was "listen to your body and do what it's telling you".

ots · 04/06/2014 08:30

Thank you all so much. Isn't it sad that strangers on the internet have been more kind to me than someone who has been in my life since I was 11! :(

OP posts:
TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 04/06/2014 08:32

God how blinkered some people can get over bloody weddings?!

YANBU at all op. She is no friend to you I'm afraid.

PossumPoo · 04/06/2014 08:34

OP weddings can bring out the worst in people but your last post was quite sad! I hope you start to fill better soon and enjoy your cake Smile

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.