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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

How to respond to "are you ok?"

18 replies

Tranquilitybaby · 03/05/2014 17:49

It's only been 6 days since my ectopic and I keep getting friends texting me asking "are you ok?". No I'm not really, do they just expect me to say yes? I know they mean well but I'm so tired of thinking what to reply each time. God that sounds awful but it's how I feel.


OP posts:
ChineseFireball · 03/05/2014 18:21

I'm so sorry you've been through this. I would reply something along the lines of "Thank you for asking - I'm not great just now but I really appreciate your concern." That's not brilliantly put but it's the sort of thing I'd be going for x

Tranquilitybaby · 03/05/2014 18:25

Thank you. I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to lie by saying yes thanks and tbh at the moment I couldn't bring myself to do that anyway x

OP posts:
JokersGiggle · 03/05/2014 20:49

Im currently going through my 5th MC and have found the reply "thanks for asking, i'm as good as can be expected" is simple, doesn't give much/anything away and the person who had asked feels they have had a honest answer.
Its better than saying "no i'm not ok. My heart is breaking and i'm in pain and pretty much constantly crying" which is what I often want to say. But I don't think people want to hear that!

TessTackle · 03/05/2014 20:59

"Not just now, but I will be"?

Sorry for your loss Thanks

Tranquilitybaby · 03/05/2014 22:25

So sorry to hear that jokers - thinking of you and i hope the future is brighter for you. Thanks for taking the time to reply x

OP posts:
Tranquilitybaby · 03/05/2014 22:26

Thank you Tess that's an ideal answer. X

OP posts:
JokersGiggle · 04/05/2014 05:37

I'm sorry for your loss too Thanks life can be so unfair x

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 04/05/2014 06:19

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have nothing to add, asi think you've been given some good answers. X

sebsmummy1 · 04/05/2014 06:53

Tranquility your friends know you're not ok, they just want you to know that they are thinking of you and concerned for you. I would just say try and keep communication open unless you really would rather not receive any texts at the moment.

There is no right way to handle the grieving process, from your POV and from those that are trying to reach out to you. I just sobbed and sobbed in my OHs arms last night like a child and he got all choked up too. Today I feel a little better. Maybe some really good cries are what you need and telling your friends you are sad and upset is better than trying to put a brave face on it.

Tranquilitybaby · 04/05/2014 07:48

Oh I've cried, I cry every day. Then my DH looks at me not knowing what to say or do anymore. I think yesterday I had about 4 texts saying something along the lines of "are you ok now?" And one "are you better now?" Kind of feel like they think it's just a case of me getting over an operation and that's it, back to normal. Xx

Sorry to hear your were so upset seb I know that feeling, crying because you hurt so much, at the unfairness of the situation. I feel like I'm choking sometimes. Thinking of you x

OP posts:
sebsmummy1 · 04/05/2014 07:55

I know exactly what you are saying. It's like people give you a set amount of time to be upset before you are expected to pull yourself together and be ok again. I assume they know you have actually lost a tube and not gone in for a ingrowing toenail or something?

I would go with the 'baring up thank you. Think it's going to be a while till I can say I'm ok though. How are you? type of approach.

bakingtins · 04/05/2014 07:57

tranquility I'm so sorry you lost your baby. It's just shit and of course you are not ok a few days later. If your friends are genuinely concerned then I think chinese's response is a good one. It's very British to have the conditioned response "I'm fine, thanks" when you are anything but. It's amazing how fast people think you can shrug off losing a baby.

ClubName · 04/05/2014 07:58

It's probably not the right thing to do but in your position and receiving those texts about being better "now" I'd be inclined to ignore altogether. I mean really, how can they expect you to have that conversation by text? To me those texts are about making themselves feel better, not about you.

But Chinese and Tranquility's answers are better!

I hope you have people looking after you properly.

KoalaFace · 04/05/2014 08:01

I'm so sorry Thanks

After miscarrying at 12 weeks I replied to texts like that with "I'm sad, hoping things will feel better soon. How are you?"

It's all I could think of to say.

qazxc · 04/05/2014 08:20

I suffered from recurrent miscarriages. I probably think my responses to those type of messages probably used to to vary on how well i knew the person. People i didn't know very well/didn't want to know every detail (like work colleagues) probably got "working on it, thanks for your concern".
To people I was close to (best friends/ family) probably got the "A bit all over the place, sad,angry, numb, .... It's still very raw but I'm hoping it'll improve. " or whatever i was feeling at the time.
To have people asking if felt better "now" probably would have really upset me though.

JBrd · 04/05/2014 08:35

So sorry about your loss, Tranquility. Life can be so cruel and unfair.

From my own experience, if the people who sent you the text messages, I would tell the truth! They know what happened, so they will/should be ok if you say how you feel. Who else to tell, if not friends?! They should be able to take this, no need to 'spare' them the raw emotions you are going through.

For not so close friends etc, I'd agree with the 'not so good at the moment, but will be'.

Catlover2014 · 04/05/2014 13:59


I'm so sorry for your loss and know this is an awful time for you. How is DH doing?

People are texting you because they care and I have found most people are very kind and understanding.

Maybe thank them for texting and explain how hard it is right now. I often find an honest text or leads to more support and hugs, which is what you need right now.

Hope you feel better soon. Feel free to PM me anytime


marshmallowpies · 04/05/2014 19:56

One thing that helped me when people were asking 'how are you?' was to focus on the physical side - I felt exhausted & run down for weeks after my MC, even when I was more or less 'back to normal', I still felt shattered at the end of every day.

So if I felt like people - even well-meaning friends - were trying to probe me for how I was doing emotionally, I'd say 'oh I'm ok, just really tired' or 'I get a headache every evening, I'm just so shattered' - gives them something to sympathise over without having to share any big emotional inner feelings.

Hope things are better for you soon. X

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