Struggling

[SeaSaltMill]

I have my first appointment at the recurrent miscarriage clinic next week. I would have been 12 weeks that day if my last pregnancy had worked out.

I'm really struggling to deal with the fact that I should have either had a 7 month old, be 5 months pregnant or be 12 weeks pregnant, but instead am facing tests to see whether I can actually ever carry a child. I'm not sleeping properly. I feel sad ALL the time. I have 2 DSC and my DSD is 11 tomorrow, which is making me think of age gaps etc. My DSS is 14 soon. There is likely to be 15 years between him and my child. How on earth will they be able to have a sibling relationship? I struggle with my own brother and there's only 7 between us.

I just feel I need some hope. Please. I am really stressed.

[bakingtins]

Try to see the appointment as a positive thing. You've had an awful time but at least now you'll be taken seriously and they'll try to help, rather than being dismissed as 'just bad luck'.
Don't worry about age gaps, families come in all shapes and sizes and you make the gaps you have work for you.
Have you had any counselling? I just ploughed on with TTC the next one, it was only when I stopped for a while to have tests that it all caught up with me. Grief that wasn't dealt with at the time doesn't go away, it comes back to bite you on the bum later. Every MC seemed to compound the grief of the earlier ones.....
Cut yourself an awful lot of slack and if you need some help to come to terms with it emotionally alongside looking for a physical cause and hopefully a treatment plan then there is no shame in that.
Will you pop back to the RMC thread and let us know how your appointment goes?

[SeaSaltMill]

I had counselling after the first two and my last session was the week I found out I was pregnant the third time. I don't know how much I will get from counselling until I know what I'm dealing with if that makes sense?

Yes I will, I'm sort of keeping my head in the sand at the mo and don't want to face up to it. I'm sure next Friday will change things.