How do I get through it?

[Barton3001]

I've just experienced my second miscarriage. My first one was at 8 weeks and I bled a lot and ended up having a D&C a while later as there was still part of the pregnancy remaining. That happened in July last year. I fell pregnant in the begining of December and my husband and I we're over the moon. We went along for the 12 week scan and saw our little baby wriggling away and looking happy. A huge sigh of relief as we found that everything was ok. I went along to my midwife appointment when I was 15 weeks and the midwife said she found the heartbeat (to me it sounded like the placenta as it wasn't fast enough to be baby) the midwife was the expert so we continued to think everything was ok. At 16 weeks I started getting what I thought we're braxton hicks so continued thinking everything was ok. We had our scan date for Tuesday to find out the sex of baby. On the Friday before I started having some bleeding nothing major so I kept an eye on it. On the Saturday morning we arranged to see the community midwife to get checked out. She couldn't detect the heartbeat so sent us round to the EPU ward. They did a scan but couldn't detect the heartbeat or see baby moving. Due to being an unqualified sonographer and the picture not being clear they didn't say for certain if baby was ok or not. They then sent us home and booked us in first thing Monday morning for a scan. We had the scan and was told babies heartbeat had stopped approx 5 weeks ago. My whole world fell apart. I was a mess. We got told a bit of info and came home to decide what we wanted to do. We decided to go back up that afternoon to be induced. I was then booked in weds to deliver baby. Half way to the ward my waters broke. I got through the door to the ward where I felt baby come out! Everything was happening too fast. I delivered baby and they took him away and continued to help me get the placenta out. It was taking a while and I was losing a lot of blood. I was hooked up to a drip and given oral morphine. I was determined to get the placenta out as I didn't want to be put to sleep! I eventually did it! I then had to be put on oxygen as nearly fainted and my pulse and blood pressure dropped. Once I was feeling better we got to meet our little boy and he was beautiful and looked so peaceful. I'm struggling big time to come to terms with it all and don't know how I'm going to get through it. I have an amazing husband, amazing friends and fantastic sisters who are all very supportive, however I've never felt so alone in my life. Will it get easier to cope with?
Thanks for listening xx

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss of your little boy. What an awful shock to deal with.

I don't have anything to say that will make you feel better - it was so recent and physically your body will still be recovering too with hormones dropping etc. I had an erpc last week for a missed miscarriage, I know it isn't the same as what you've been through, but I am still all over the place emotionally.

Hopefully some wiser mumsnetters than me will be along to share their experiences and advice, but I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and just be very kind to yourself for the next few months.xx

Hi, I just want to say I'm so sorry you lost your baby, one loss was devastating for me so I cannot imagine how you are feeling, presumably you thought you were safe after the 12 week scan also :( It is truly awful, give yourself some time to relax and heal, it will be very raw right now.

When you say you found at 16 weeks the baby had died 5 weeks ago, would that mean the baby passed at 11 weeks? If so, did you have your 12 week scan 'early' as it were? Just wondering and am sorry for asking, I just got slightly confused with the dates you stated.

It isn't the first time I've read of a midwife saying they heard the HB when clearly they didn't, this is really poor practice imo.

I hope someone more knowledgeable comes on soon, but please be known I am thinking of you :) xxxx

Hi sorry i had a scan at 20 weeks xx

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry to hear you lost your baby boy. We too lost our baby boy at 20+4 in February. At the time I really couldn't see how I would ever feel like my heart wasn't breaking ever again. Fast forward through the most painful few months of our lives and 9 weeks on we are starting to adjust. I'm going back to work tomorrow and we are due to get our post mortem results in a few weeks time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know it's a huge huge cliche but time really does help. You won't ever 'get over' the loss of your son, the grief won't ever go away and you will always love him but you learn to live with all the new emotions you feel. Everyday will bring different emotions but please be kind to yourself. There's no right and wrong way to feel. Be angry, be sad, cry a lot!

Here to chat if you want to message me or just happy to listen if you feel you want to tell us more about your lovely boy. Look after yourself.

Hi Barton,

What a terrible time you've had so sorry that you lost your little one.

I don't have any advice but am thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.

Take care of yourself x x

Thank you all for your replies. I know it's early days and all is still are I just really can't face the world at the mo. I have 2 boys aged 11 & 5 that we will be telling today. I just want to be alone all the time. I'm going to call the hospital and see if there's someone I can go and talk to as I'm finding it really difficult to deal with. I'm surrounded by pregnant friends and babies and although I'm happy for them at the same time it makes the pain the little bit worse.
Xxx

Oh Barton, it's so difficult and I know it's not much comfort but there are others who can totally sympathise with how you feel, me included.

For the first week I didn't want to get out of bed and felt like a terrible mother as I couldn't bring myself to enjoy spending time with DD (2) and relied so much on my parents to look after her.

It's so tough and I wish you strength for telling your boys. Although DD is only young we included her by telling her (as honestly but basically as possible so that she could understand) what had happened and she drew some pictures and gave her baby brother one of her comfort blankets to go in his coffin when he was cremated. (We didn't explain the cremation to her). The process of doing this helped DH and I as we knew that he would always be part of all of our lives and she will grow up knowing she had a little brother.

I didn't intend for this post to be all about me but just suggesting things that I hope may help. Wishing you strength and I think it's a great idea to talk to someone at the hospital, perhaps consider counselling or a talking therapy to help?

I know it's so hard but you will get through this. It sounds like you've great support in real life from family and friends. Don't feel bad for relying on them if you need to.

So sorry to hear of your loss, I know you feel that you are alone but believe me that you are only that way if you choose to be. Yes there is a huge gap in your life and you are feeling loss and this will pass, it will never go away but it will become liveable with.

As women we are strong and its not just childbirth that we have to be strong enough to cope with but all of the disappointments we are put through before we become parents, the assumption that a pregnancy will create a baby is far too widely taken for granted.

You will be sad and angry and lonely but please talk to those around you, they really are there to help and it does help to talk.

I have some experience of the loss you have had and I can honestly say that 16 years later I still feel the pain but you will cope and you will move on, time really does help and in 6 months you will feel much stronger than you do today.

Give yourself time to heal physically and the mental healing will follow. Have faith that if children are in your future then they will be in your future. Stay strong and let yourself be loved by those around you.

Take care.