Molar pregnancy wtf is my body doing to me?

[Psmith83]

Hello all,
Feeling frustrated, numb and confused and sad and disbelieving.
Went into EPU for emergency scan 3 weeks ago because of bleeding. The sonographer said, "I don't know what I'm looking at" and I knew it wasn't going to be great news (I momentarily wondered if I were having a dragon) but it transpires, after blood tests and then an emergency D&C, that I have a partial mole. (Whoever comes up with these names has very little imagination or sense of context...)
I can't feel sad yet for the pregnancy loss. I just feel sort of numb. I find it really hard to feel anything when the situation is futile- I tried reading some Neitzche on the eve of the D&C- he's really good at raging against the absurd. Just trying to get in touch with some sort of feeling.(Anyone have any good book recommendations about miscarriages? Finding it hard to articulate what I'm going through )
It was my first pregnancy, I finally found someone I want to share my life with and have a baby with (I was always really freaked out by the idea of being pregnant) (I've spent such a long time getting over my crazy mad neglectful childhood- I feel like I've had enough un-assimilatable experiences to last me a lifetime!) and we got married last year and were so so so so excited. It's just so bloody hard to make it feel real. I mean, the odds are so slim 1 in 1,000 - how did this even happen? Statistics and odds are meaningless now.
So frustrated about the (at least) 6 month wait. Pregnancy tests still showing positive. Have trawled the internet and feel like I have gotten to grips with the physical process, but really really finding it all disorientating. It's so surreal and absurd, and doesn't feel real. I guess I just want to know this is real, and if there is anyone who has gone through this, would appreciate a few wise, grounding words to help me process wtf is happening. Need some people who know this tunnel and can tell me what I'm standing in.Thanks.

I had a partial molar in 2009, was a couple of months before we were told though.

Over a period of 6 months I sent my 12 hour collection of urine off once a wee, then fortnightly, then once a month.

It was upsetting as I felt it just drew out the process of grieving. It was a relief to be discharged and move on.

I had to send two more samples of urine off after I had my daughter in 2012.

Wishing you all the best, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Psmith I had a molar pregnancy in 2003, it was after 4 years of trying to get pregnant, mine was quite a long road to recovery ( but that was because I had complications). I was under Charing Cross, who were amazing. We had to wait a year after treatment finished, but went on to have 3 dcs ( when I was 37, 38 amd 41).

I know there are others on here who have been through molar pregnancies, as I have posted on several support threads, so hopefully others will come along soon.

Please ask any questions or pm me if you'd rather.

Take care.

Thank you Hazyjane and don'twanttobeobamaself It makes it a bit less weird knowing that other people have gone through it too and that I'm not the only one who's experienced this nightmare. Thanks for the support.

I had a partial mole in 1997, my first pregnancy too. I had never heard of it before. I too went to the EPU due to bleeding where it was discovered.
I was 23 at the time and absolutely devastated. I was followed up by Weston Park and had to send off urine samples.
I went on to have my daughter in 1998 - we did not wait - and she was absolutely perfect.
We lost a baby in 2004 and again I was followed up by Weston Park with no issues.
I think it is so upsetting because it is so rare and so difficult to comprehend. But there is hope x

Hi smith, you must be in a comlete spin. Being pregnant, then not pregnant, then something else that you have never heard of, and don't know yet how it will pan out. Your body and your head will be doing different things and that is really hard to reconcile.

It sounds like you have had a tough life. Please know what is happening to you now is just shitty luck. You make take comfort from this and you may not, but there is no rhyme or reason. Shitty people have kids never knowing that the existence we now occupy even exists, and good people stuggle to conceive or have successful pregnancies and get to know a deep sadness that the ladies on these boards understand all too well.

You may be frustrated that the molar pregnancy means you can't try again for a while. But this may work to your advantage. Time does heal, and when you try again and get pregnant again, this time spent processing and healing will mean you will be stonger and able to deal with being pregnant again much more healthily.

You are not alone and you will get through this and there is every chance you will go on to create the family you want.

psmith sorry you are going through this. I've bumped up the molar pregnancy support thread in the hope that some of the experiences there are helpful. I haven't had a molar/partial molar loss but really identified with losing all faith in statistics - suffering 3 MC affects less than 1% of couples, I've had 4, and I was still being quoted 70% success rates 'next time' it's just meaningless if you feel doomed to always be on the unlucky side of the stats. Happily with an actual diagnosis and proper treatment rather than platitudes I am now 26 weeks pregnant. I hope you are well cared for and get the support through the process that you need.

psmith so sorry you are going through this. I have recently had a complete molar pregnancy, it's a real shock, I was all over the place for weeks. My hcg has been zero for 5 months so I only have one month left of follow up. I found speaking to the nurse at the treatment centre(in my case Dundee) really helped and stop me panicking, speaking to other health professionals was useless as they just have no idea about mp.

psmith - another one here to say you're not alone - although I know it can feel like it. I had a complete molar pregnancy in January 2011 and it was a big shock and a very lonely and confusing time. I went through every emotion under the sun for the first few weeks and completely obsessed about it. Forums like this and the molarpregnancy.org.uk one are great as you can chat whenever (when everyone in RL has forgotten you even had a mc) and I also found it useful to think of things to fill up the 6 month gap - travel, a physical challenge, treats, whatever works for you. I got pg after 5 months rather than 6 which wasn't planned but it worked out okay and my DS2 was born in March 2012. Take care of yourself and there are people here to chat if you need to.

Aiofe, thanks for the words. I spent last weekend thinking and drawing to help me digest, and your words were helpful.

I went through this almost 20 years ago. Hugs for you. Its a huge shock and very difficult to process. You are not alone

Artifarti, thanks for the advice, I downloaded a couch to 10k running app at the weekend (have yet to actually put down the wine and get off the sofa, but it was a comforting gesture at the time.) It's helped knowing that other women, like Aoife said, know this deep sadness.
I can't believe hoe much it's shaken me. I've been welling up and crying over everything- even stuff that wouldn't normally bother me.

Somebody said "you'll have another one soon." Cringe. what a weird response.(I wanted to shout, no I won't! I can't try for at least HALF A YEAR) Tact people, tact.

I had one in 2008. In 2009 I had my little boy. It'll all be ok xx

Thanks purplefrogshoes- I'm looking foreword to speaking to nurses who actually know something at charring x. Everyone else just seems confused and borderline tactless(one nurse described how beautiful the molar pregnancy patterns are on ultrasound)

Thanks ruddy. Hopeful.

Keep hold of that hope! The waiting is horrid. I found out mine was molar at my 12 week scan. I had even named that baby. Horrendous. Everyone was very very helpful here on mumsnet, lots of support and information. You're in the right place xx

PSmith - I downloaded that app too! I actually managed to complete the London 10k, it really gave me something to focus on.

Are you going to a Charing X open day? I went to one and it was great, you can actually talk to specialist nurses and consultants.

People say some crap things. A 'friend' emailed me two weeks after my mc to say 'sorry about your mc but I guess you're getting over it now.' TWO WEEKS! Funnily enough we're not friends anymore. I also remember going to give bloods (in the same area as the EPU, which was bad enough) and all the blood-taking folk got really excited when they saw the box I had to send it all off in because they'd never seen a box like it before and they all started questioning me. I ended up in floods of tears in a side room with them giving me sugary tea and biscuits in guilt

Hang on in there. It's a grim time but I promise there will be better days ahead.

Hi psmith. I had a partial at the end of nov last year. It took 10 weeks for the results to come back and in that time I drove myself crazy reading stuff on timternet. After a few blood tests my hcg has come right down and this morning I sent off what will hopefully be my last sample. They have changed the way they monitor for partials, so as soon as you are on the normal range there is only 1 more pee sample a month later. There is a really good support thread on here as purple mentioned. Good luck I hope you have a good outcome soon xxx

Hi smith so glad you are finding a way through this. Sounds like you are doing some healthy things for body and mind. I am still waiting for mc to start and am veering between gym and wine. Intending to be more gym than wine when it is all over.

The tactlessness of some people amazes me. I have tried to let it wash over me. I don't know how to behave like me at the mo, so I can understand why people don't know how to be around me.

And as for the random tears. That may go on for a bit. It really pisses me off. When I cry my face swells up and I look like I have been punched. No hiding it. Have been spening a lot of time in the disabled loo scraping mascara off my face.

Hi sorry for your losses, I my self had a mc in November but found my self pregnant again right after, I got to my booking scan at 11 weeks to be told there was no heart beat, so I had medical managment a week later. Then 2 weeks later I get a call to attend hospital for a scan and chat. The scan showed there is still molar in side me. But I had a negitive test, They said I had a molar pregnacy , I am still waiting to find out if it's a partial or full, but looks to be a full as no fetal cells was detected but scan showed a 7 1/2 week baby, so I am confused. But there sent away for cross checks. I understand what you mean by how rude some people are. A friends mum said to me the day after I found out. Oh well least you have your son. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I replyed, it's not about having lost a child it's about my health the now. Allow losing another baby has been heart wrenching, I was just starting to feel like I could leave the house again then I got that call. It's been one big set back. But Iam sure al feel alittle more settled after I find out more information. I am waiting on Dundee getting back to me. Fingers crossed I hear soon xx

Hi all,
Was hibernating. Have done lots of drawings about all of this (dh suggested making a graphic novel- still a bit too raw, but I would have loved to read something like that initially to help me get my head round it all ) Checked out the pmp support thread and have been reading it (hungover) in bed this morning. Feel like a new woman. Got AF last week, and a negative Sainsbury's pregnancy test, so feel like perhaps my body is not so treacherous after all. Still waiting to hear from Charring X and fending off tactless remarks like, "perhaps cycle a little less."

Aoife- how are you? Hope your body is well, and thanks for your thoughtful words. I've replayed quite a few of your sentences in my head over the past few weeks. Thank you. I know what you mean about crying, it feels so out of control. How is the wine and gym therapy going?

Gemma, I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you're looking after yourself.

Artifarti- thanks for your words. Have looked at your previous threads, thank you, they were really helpful. Yeah, the nurses enthusiastically described the box to me in painstaking detail. (What is it about the box????) Incredible. It sort of added to the feeling of everything being really surreal. All the info I really need to know, like, can you translate the report for me so I know what tissue they found? or what is a normal hcg level? I had to push for, and all the information I didn't need to know like,what the sample pot looks like, was gushed at me. Gah

Please someone help -

I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks ago, I worked out I should be around 6 weeks, I went for a scan as was unsure of dates and they said they couldn’t see anything. My HCG was going down so they told me the pregnancy was not viable and a week later I bled, not too heavily but there were clots. I carried on testing until I got a negative and tried to move on. Two weeks later I took a test as felt a little off and it was blazing positive!! What could have happened? I have only had sex twice since this positive and that was before I miscarried (bled). Surely it can’t be a new pregnancy!? I’ve got a scan next Monday but until then I’m beside myself with worry. A molar pregnancy was mentioned on my first scan as I had what they called “cystic spaces” but then this was shut down due to my hcg being so low, 250 beta, then 128, then 57.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? And had any kind of happy outcome? I’m meant to be going away to Spain for my 30th today and it’s all I can think about, not to mention I’ve got a feeling my partner is going to propose after 3 years together and I just don’t feel I can be happy about anything right now 😪