This is my first time on any kind of forum but I've had a really terrible time over the last few weeks and I thought it might help to speak to people who have had similar experiences.
I found out I was pregnant, for the first time, on 16/11/2013. The first day of my last period before that 17/10/2013. So I knew from very early on. I always knew early stages of pregnancy were risky so I only told my partner and my parents.
My boyfriend is my best friend and although we are in a stable and loving relationship we have not been together for very long so the pregnancy came as a big surprise. I didn't believe it at first and I had very mixed emotions about the whole thing in the beginning. There were a lot of issues in the beginning. My boyfriend and I live together but it is in a shared house with 2 of our friends, neither of us drive and he has epilepsy and is currently out of work. We began to sort out what we were going to do, including giving up smoking, drinking, me learning to drive (he will never be able to) and looking into getting our own place together.
We had bumps in the road. I found pregnancy instantly very difficult. I was very sick, exhausted and very down for the first 6-8 weeks. I felt cut off from everyone. Very few of our friends have children and many are single so had freedoms we had begun to surrender. Through all the difficulties and arguments we were getting excited about the new arrival.
On the 19th December I went to the toilet and discovered very light spotting. I instantly panicked and told my boyfriend and we made an emergency appointment with my GP. All petty arguments about money or living arrangements were forgotten as we worried about our little baby. The GP organised an early scan on Christmas eve. All bleeding in between stopped and the scan showed a healthy, tiny little peanut with a noticeable heartbeat. The scan was dated at 8 weeks and 6 days.
We had a rocky Christmas and new year. I was hormonal and flew of the handle if he had a drink at new year or on christmas. I was very emotional all of the time and confronted him on a few occasions. Things settled down over New Year.
On the 3rd Jan we had our first booking appointment and scan. Things seemed very good. There was a strong audible heartbeat. The baby was dated at 10 weeks 4 days and everything seemed healthy and normal. we returned home with great pictures and decided to make our announcement to the world. The next day we moved into my aunts house for the month to housesit and look after 2 dogs while she was on holiday. On Monday 6th Jan I started getting heavy bleeding. I rang the out of hours doctor who said to avoid A&E unless the bleeding was heavier than a period. I waited for a few hours and then large clots started to come out with the bleeding. I instantly panicked and we went to A&E where I was sure they would confirm a miscarriage. After a few hours of blood tests and waiting I finally had a scan which showed a healthy moving baby with a strong heartbeat. They told me sometimes bleeding happens and sent me home. They asked me to ring back if I had any further bleeding. I had continual bleeding the rest of the week. I rang the obs unit a few times and they said I could come up if I wanted but if it wasn't heavier than a period not to worry too much. My boyfriend and other family and friends assured me that it happens and it was normal but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. On saturday the 11th of January I went back to the hospital. This time I went with my mum. Assuring my concerned boyfriend that it was fine and I just wanted to make sure the bleeding was harmless. This time I had a scan and an internal exam. Both confirmed that my baby was healthy, active and had a very strong heartbeat and was between 11 and 12 weeks. That was the last time I saw/heard my baby.
Over the next few days the bleeding got worse. I was house bound and on my own as my boyfriend was back at our house for a few nights. In the early hours of the morning wed 15th Jan I was awoken by severe abdominal pains which, I am embarrassed to admit now, I thought was severe trapped wind as I have been very constipated. I went back to sleep eventually and felt fine the next day. There were a few more instances of clotting and bleeding that day and when my boyfriend came back he asked if i wanted to go to the doctor but I had been on the phone so much and been reassured by midwifes, who made me feel a bit like a hypochondriac, that I told him not to worry. I went to bed with a bit of light pain which within an hour had turned into violent cramping. I told him hospital was pointless as it was trapped wind but eventually the pain was unbearable. He rang a taxi and we waited for ten minutes. In this time the pain had gotten so severe I was throwing up and I was on the toilet trying to go hoping it would relieve pain. Suddenly there was a loud gush and I heard a splash in the toilet and there was blood everywhere. I knew then what had happened. I was inconsolable on the way to the hospital. I knew what had happened but the look of hope in my boyfriends face will haunt me forever. As he explained the situation to midwives and the doctor on call I could see that he thought things might be ok. I knew differently. I was given gas and air to relieve some pain and to calm me down so they could do a scan and exam. They confirmed what I already knew and what my boyfriend feared. We both collapsed. I have never felt pain or heartbreak like it in my life. I cried for what felt like hours. There was a blur as they told me what had happened, how they had removed my baby, that I had to take pills to remove the rest of the placenta. It all happened so quickly. the midwifes, nurses, doctors and assistants were great.
I ended up staying in hospital for 2 days. The consultant said that as I had been through so much they wanted to avoid surgery but after 24 hours of fasting and taking tablets it was obvious I could not pass the rest on my own. I had a D&C and was released from hospital. I am still bleeding now, a week later and the emotions are really starting to come out. My boyfriend has been so wonderful. He slept on a concrete floor in the hospital for 2 days and didn't leave my side. He is devastated too but he is holding it together. I can barely get out of bed. I can't stop thinking about the stress I put myself under, or the million different ways in which it could be my fault. I feel guilty that he didn't see the baby the last time with me. I feel like I let him down. I feel like I should be back at work and getting on with things but my heart is broken in two. Our closest friends found out they are pregnant with a baby and we had the exact same due date. I can't face them even though we are so happy for them. We are not planning another baby any time soon, I feel like this means I never wanted this one because it was unplanned. I don't know how to face the world and I want to find someone or something to blame because I did everything by the book and I can't see how this could happen to me.
So sorry for the life story but I needed to vent.
Thanks for listening.