Processing the shock of a first miscarriage

[alice989]

Hi, I'm 24 and new to the online discussion of miscarriage. A bit nervous. Over New Years I've had a miscarriage, from what I've learnt since in research, probably at 4-6 weeks. Had no idea I might have been pregnant, thought I'd just been ill for four weeks with a virus. I've always had heavy, irregular periods, but this one was considerably more painful with back pains, sore breasts, etc. Admittedly i've never been into babies, I was the girl that feared making someone else's cry. At first I was practical about it - said 'it's nature, I'm young'. As time's passed the reality set in and... I'm in pieces about it. Overwhelmed by this ocean of grief in the face of my own ignorance. Bewildered by the silence in the real world and the many experiences shared online. How do I look someone to confide in in the eye and talk about it? So invisible, intimate and fragile. I'm successfully spooking myself out, let alone my partner who doesn't know what to do other than hug me, bless him. Any advice you could offer in terms of grief please?

Miscarriage association have a wonderful telephone helpline.

Hi Alice I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I think sometimes if you didn't know you were pregnant it's even more of a shock - you have to process all the emotions about being unexpectedly pregnant, and then not being, all at once. The reason forums like this are so helpful is it is difficult to talk to someone who has not experienced it, there's still a bit of a conspiracy of silence around miscarriage even though it is very common. If you do open up about what has happened you'll probably be surprised how many women you know have been through it at some point. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger though - either on a forum like this, via the Miscarriage Association or your GP can help you access counselling.
I have found it enormously helpful to have some sort of tangible way to remember the baby and say goodbye. It might help you to write it all down in a letter, or buy a piece of memorial jewellery, or plant a tree, release a helium balloon, have a special candle you can light...whatever seems meaningful to you.
Keep posting - there are so many of us who have been through something similar and can understand, you don't have to be alone with your grief.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

For both emotional and physical (your hormones are likely to be all over the place) reasons it's a tough time but it will get easier - though I don't think it's something you ever can or want to forget.

Thank you so much for your words and support, it's helped me calm enough to find sleep. That makes a huge difference. Although the bleeding's stopped I'm still experiencing lower abdominal discomfort, think I ought to seek a GP's opinion. A tiny bit of me wants to blank this, but I'd be lying to myself and that doesn't heal. In terms of commemoration, the candle idea could be just the thing bakingtins; have always lit candles for loved ones. A piece of jewellery also makes room for creativity and personal expression. With a bit more time and courage a phone call as suggested is definitely on the horizon. You're incredible women. X