In less than 2 years I've lost 3 babies
The first was obivously really hard as I just never thought it could or would happen and no one i knew had ever had one and I'd had a perfectly normal pregnancy when i was 17. So the shock knocked me and I couldn't leave my bed and i was ridden with guilt that i wasn't enjoying my son who was at a lovely age and exploring the world.
I had an ERPC and i didnt get a picture of the scan, I didn't take the offer as I couldn't face it but spent a while dealing with the guilt of that as i didn't have something physical to remember and cherish.
After my second I went for one counselling session but didn't go back. Maybe it wasn't the right person or maybe i wasn't ready to talk.
My third was this summer and I've struggled to get the emotions to pass. Whenever i fall pregnant it always seems someone else falls pregnant at the same time, well it doesn't just seem, they do. This time it was my best friend. A week a part and I had a real positive feeling this time. We were going to get fat together and hibernate through the winter preparing for our spring babies. It was perfect and I was so ready, I had none of the hang ups about not being able to go out or hormones or getting fat i really was 100% content with it all and ready to embrace every minute.
I kept bleeding, but i always have in pregnancies even with my DS. So I tried to not let it throw me into panics. The doctors even started shrugging their shoulders at me, I'd always get sent to the EPU for a scan and each week I'd see my baby grow and then there would be a bleed and I was there weekly but baby was growing perfectly. One morning i rang the doctor and said i was bleeding again - he said he was sure everything was fine as it has been throughout and if i didnt want to drag myself down there again and wait for hours then it probably didn't matter but if i wanted peace of mind to head on down. I had my DS with me and only an hour before they shut so i couldn't get a sitter, but as it kept happening i was sure it would be fine and did just want that peace of mind so i decided I'll take my DS for the first time and this way it will be exciting for him to see his sibling!
But the baby's heart beat had stopped. Measuring exactly the same as it did the week before. Meaning my baby probably died on the day of my last scan. When i remember back to that day it was a horrible day. My DH didn't feel the need to come with me that day and i was scared something may be wrong and i'd have no ones hand to hold i pleaded and argued with him to come and he did and baby was fine but we were not happy with eachother. I was so frustrated with the rollercoaster of emotions and when i got inside i ran upstairs and stamped my feet like a big kid!!!! I can't help but think maybe the stress of that day, or me stamping my feet caused my longed for baby harm.
So there i was in a room with just my DS with my hands over my face in disbelief listening to the sound of my own voice in my head shouting at me not to cry infront of DS.
When they took me into the private room they booked me in for their earliest ERPC. I took the piece of paper and looked at it and just broke down. It was the same date as my DH's birthday and they had no other appointments. So we spent his birthday in the hospital dealing with that. So I was full of guilt because of this too.
and why oh why oh why did i take my DS to witness my pain.
And god, if i ever see a bunch of flowers again it will be too soon. Everyone came with a bunch of flowers and just kind of sat awkwardly on my sofa and spoke about different stuff. I don't know if no one knew what to say the third time around or what. But everyone sort of scattered and no ones ever spoke about it.
I feel like I am still grieving my losses but i am also grieving what i was looking forward to! sharing the saturday winter nights with my pregnant bestie watching rom coms! It sounds silly, but it's true it's all i think about and it's shadowed the festive season so far.
Everywhere I look people are having babies ! Now family members are expecting babies they didn't plan for and it's a big problem! "can't believe im pregnant again what am i going to do with 3!!" And i know this is normal, and they are going through their own shocks and they will soon be excited and admittedly my first DS was not planned and i was wobbly about it. But I'm just finding it tough to hear. Maybe they think because it's my third i'm just strong and i deal with it, like it's almost become expected?
I've thought about counselling but I just don't know how to face someone I don't know, or even face dragging myself down to the doctors and asking for help.
I'm putting it all to the back of my mind plodding along as normal and just hoping it goes away eventually I guess. I haven't managed to concieve yet. I long for another child but could i deal with another loss? At the same time I don't want to wait as our body clocks are only ever ticking and i don't want any other problems to occur. I'm already booked in with a private clinic for suspected emdemetriosis. So I'm just putting my fate in the hands of the universe.
I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for - probably just having a vent or to speak to someone who can unfortunately relate as the 'everything happens for a reason' cliches from others are getting a bit tiring.
x