One year on, having a wobble.

[HawkeyeInChaosNC1]

I feel a fraud putting a thread in this section, but am feeling a bit low at the moment and wasn't sure where else to go. I want to start by apologising to anyone I upset. I really don't want to do that.

I have one dc, and last year was trying for a second via ivf. The first treatment failed, but the second worked. I just knew it had worked even before testing, and I knew there was more than one. When I went for a 7 week scan, there were two fetuses with heartbeats. My mind was a whirl. Over the next few weeks I tried to work out the logistics of having twins - would the car be big enough, can you carry two babies in a sling, how could I afford childcare?

At 12 weeks I went for my dating scan. I was worried about the NT tests, but nothing else. There had been no problems, no cramps, no bleeds.

At the scan they told me one of my babies had died.

I know I am lucky. The other survived and was born in the summer. I know so many people would give anything for that. I am being ungrateful. But, to best guess, it is one year this week since my little boy's twin stopped developing. And I loved him.

I'm sorry for my self-indulgent ramblings. I just needed to talk to someone because no one in rl gets it.

I don't know why you feel a fraud - you lost a baby just like anyone posting here, and you need to have space to grieve that loss. I haven't had experience of losing a twin, but I would think in some ways it makes it more difficult to have the freedom to grieve. I'm sure everyone encourages you to focus on the positive and the baby you still have, but you can't just dismiss the loss of a baby you have imagined a future for. Did you do anything at the time to honour the loss? Might the anniversary be a good opportunity to do something if not?

I'm sorry for your loss OP, you are not a fraud.

I'm not very good with advice but can offer you a handhold as Tuesday will be exactly one year ago that I was told my baby had anacephaly and would not survive, it's also DS's 6th birthday so will be a tough day.

I agree with pp about honoring your loss. I planted a a beautiful flower in my garden on what would have been my due date. Maybe something like that would help you?

Xx

I didn't do anything to honour the loss Bakingtins. He only exists as a few lines in my maternity notes. I didn't even get a photo at the 7 week scan. I don't know how to honour him.

Even at the time, no one understood except the midwives. Family and friends just said "at least you've still got the one," or "you would have struggled with two." They just didn't get it.

I am so sorry MonsterMunchMe. It must be awful to have DS's birthday to cope with on such a day.

A flower would be difficult as I'm not a competent gardener. It would feel like letting him down twice.

I think there are lots of things you could do, it depends what feels meaningful to you.
Buy a piece of memorial jewellery with his birthstone? Plant a tree? (harder to kill than a flowering plant!) Light a candle on the anniversary? Write a poem or account of what your memories of the time you were pregnant are? Release a helium balloon or lantern? Buy a baby related charity gift? Make an entry in the hospital book of remembrance?(contact the chaplain) Attend a Saying Goodbye service?
I'm sure others will come up with other suggestions.

A charity gift might be the thing.

Thanks for the support Bakingtins and MonsterMunchMe. Thanks for listening, understanding and not calling me a fraud.