Just want to write it down. Sad and scared.

[OttersPocket]

Hi all,

I don't really know why I'm posting here, I guess I just want to put it down somewhere and have a bit of hand-holding from those who have experienced similar.

At what should have been exactly 8 weeks today I had a second scan. After a happy scan at 6 weeks where DP and I saw a heartbeat, today was awful. I went on my own thinking it would just be a routine appointment (I have regular scans due to Type 1 diabetes), but sadly it turns out that there was no further development and that there was now no heartbeat. I'm devastated. This was a desperately wanted baby conceived after six rounds of clomid.

I had my 12 week scan booked in for just before Christmas and DP and I couldn't wait to share our news. But now it's all over and I'm undergoing medical management (at home, which terrifies me) on Wednesday.

I can't stop crying. I feel like it's so unfair. I never thought this would happen to me. I also feel selfish for feeling this way as I know many, many women experience the same everyday.

I'm sorry for the self-indulgent post. My head is spinning and I'm scared of what Wednesday will bring. Thanks you so much for reading.

OP.

OP there are no words out there that will make any of this better, so I'm sending you a big hug. I really hope that you and your DP can grieve together and whilst you'll never get over it or forget, you'll move on because you have to.

Was this your first pregnancy? Had you told anyone beforehand? Does you DP know yet? Honestly don't worry about being self indulgent - that's exactly what you should do right now.

Have you had your options discussed with you? You don't have to go down the route of medical mngt if you don't want, but if you have decided its best for you then I'm sure someone will be along to reassure you soon (I has an ERPC).

More big hugs.

Thank you so much 2b

Yes, it was my first pregnancy. When I drove home from the hospital (I'm not sure how I managed that), I called DP who has spent the day with me and he is being brilliant.

We hadn't told anyone else yet. The reason I've opted for medical mgmt is that I'm going on holiday on Thursday with a group of friends (without DP) for a long weekend. I feel that I need to have the worst of it over as soon as possible and before the trip (which for various reasons I can't cancel), and the hospital couldn't offer me an ERPC (which I would have preferred) until next week Actually thinking about it, it's all horrific timing and it's going to be hard to keep it all together.

The sad thing is I haven't experienced any bleeding or pain or any indication that anything is wrong. And I still feel pregnant which is a cruel twist.

I really do appreciate your kind words. It does help (in a very, very sad way) to know that other women have gone through the same.

You poor thing. Sorry to hear about your loss.

I had an ERPC so can't offer and experience regarding medical management, but like you I was going away therefore I actually waited until I was back for the ERPC.

I was bleeding the whole time, but the wait actually was a good thing for me. Medical management can take a while so it's possible it wouldn't be over before you see your friends. Can you cancel your plans?

Sending lots of love

OP, huge hug being sent your way.
I very recently had a similar situation to you and there are simply no words that will make the hurt lessen but I have found it somewhat therapeutics offloading here so don't you worry for even a second about being 'self indulgent' - there is no such thing when dealing with a MC. Same goes for feeing selfish. True, MC is a horribly common occurrence, but this was your baby.

I went through a natural MC last week, which is basically what medical management ends up as, and I'd just say that I wouldn't recommend that you pressurise yourself with social engagements if you possibly can avoid them. I know it's scary and I also completely get the feeling of wanting it 'over and done with' so to speak (a feeling I now recognise as part of the grieving process), but for your own comfort and support, allowing some recovery time at home with someone who can support you through the process is a good idea.

If you really can't get out of it, then can you at least confide in your friends what's going on? You're going to need their understanding and support if you do go away, please don't keep it bottled up!

There's a useful thread here on what to expect (i found the nhs less than forthcoming on what might happen).

Lots of love

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. My hospital have very kindly arranged for me to have an ERPC on Wednesday at a different hospital which isn't too far away. DP will be with me the whole time so I'm thankful for that.

I feel completely drained and I cannot stop crying, I'm upset that my own body doesn't seem to realise it's all over. I feel just as 'pregnant' as I did when I heard the heartbeat at 6 weeks

I going to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow I have to go back to my own hospital to pick up my maternity notes and to have blood taken. Wednesday I need to go in for the ERPC at 7.30am. I will see how I am feeling by the evening and make a decision about the weekend. I may confide in a friend but the reason for the short break is to support another friend though a period of grieving so I don't want to make too much of my own sadness.

Parsley, I am so sorry you have so recently experienced this and thank you lighthouse for sharing your story with me. Of course I know I will get though this, it just seems so very hard right now.

I'm so sorry. It's horrid.

I've had four ERPCs (6 mcs), and the physical recovery has always been quite uncomplicated, with any wooziness lasting a few hours tops. I hope you will be able to enjoy your trip to some degree.

Do confide in your friends. I don't think your friend would want you to keep it to yourself.

Thinking of you OP. I had a mmc at 11 weeks and had no idea anything was wrong til I was miscarrying. Baby stopped growing at around eight weeks.

It was, undeniably, hard and I was in pain for at least a week afterwards. If I had known, or got the sad choice in the future I would have an ERPC.

Dont pressurise yourself to go away - so how you feel on the day if you like. Make something up if you need. Be kind to yourself and take some time off work.

Best of luck with the ERPC. Of course you never get over it, bit it does get a bit better with time. I think you are being very brave and a fantastic friend. See how you feel but like others have said be kind to yourself. X

OP I am so sorry you lost your precious baby. Wishing you all the best for tomorrow. See how you feel about the weekend away, but my experience is I just needed to hide away from the world for a bit and certainly would have been in no state to offer support to anyone else. Your friends will understand if you can't face it.

Thank you everyone, your words are all so kind and they are helping.

I only managed a few hours sleep last night and when I woke up this morning it all hit me afresh again. I'm generally quite a stoic person and contain my emotions but I'm finding that I'm just having to go with the grief today. I'm watching rubbish tv in my PJ's with my lovely cat purring on my lap and taking the advice to be kind to myself.

I'm dreading having to go into the pregnancy support clinic later to pick up my notes. It's such a sad place, a small room where they play gentle music and everyone looks so sad because they are in similar situations

I'm also torn as to whether to tell my Mum or not. We have a great relationship but she didn't know about the pregnancy and I'm not sure if I could cope with her being upset iyswim? On one hand I want her support and kindness (and general Mum-ness), but on the other I don't want to be fussed, and I don't want her to be always on the lookout for me being pregnant again. Does that make sense? Or am I over-thinking things? I think I might be going slightly loopy!

Hello OP.

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a heartbreaking, emotional and a confusing time. I've had three miscarriages myself. It is a sad time and sadly it also seems to be a taboo subject sometimes as you do experience grief, but some people do not understand why we grieve. We have lost something very special and something you don't ever really think about until it happens to you. It can be a shock.

If you want support, and general mum-ness - then I would say tell your mum. It all depends on your relationship with eachother.

I've told my mum each time - but the third time she really struggled with my emotions and didn't really let me talk about it - other people can find it difficult to talk about miscarriage because they don't understand, or can't find the words to help. When all we really want is a massive hug!! This can feel hurtful, but if this happens in any of your relationships it's important to remember this isn't because of you, its because they are struggling with it themselves.

• thinking of you and hope things get easier. Take your time. x

So sorry for you
I have had 2 ERPCs (4 mcs) and it's a better clean closure...

Personally I didn't tell my mum about my first 3 miscarriages until after I had a child. I just had my 4th last month but won't tell her about that one... no point...

regarding the weekend away, you will be hormonal and teary, but phisically it wasn't too bad - i had the last ERPC on a wednesday and went shopping on friday (needed to get away) and I needed to sit a bit and was tired but wasn't too bad.

I would tell at least one friend who can distract the others if you need to go away and cry for a bit

OP I hope you're trip to the clinic went OK. I found the EPU equally distressing!
I am also a pretty stoic person, not one to wear my heart on my sleeve whatever is happening and while I have a good relationship with my Mum we don't share everything, but I really wanted to tell her (had a genuine 'I want my Mum!' wailing fit the day after we found out) and I've found her support so important. No platitudes or anything like that, as she's fairly stoic too (surprise surprise!), but always there for a hug or just to sit and be there for me when I'm feeling blue, to talk on the phone about what's happening or to distract me with other stuff when I need a break. She didn't know I was pregnant but did know we had been trying (we let them know when we started exploring fertility treatment after 13 months ttc).
I hope you & DP have a calm and restful last evening with your bean, it's good to say farewell. And keep up the cat therapy - mogs are great for absorbing sadness & tears

Hello OP,

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and hope things work out well for you tomorrow. Be kind to yourself.

You are all such lovely people and I thank you all so much for your words and support. Having this space in which to vent my emotions truly is helping me cope with this and making me realise I am not alone. to every one of you.

The EPU wasn't too bad an experience this afternoon. There was only me and one other puffy eyed woman in the waiting room - we shared a knowing look and both went back to reading our books and desperately trying to ignore the depressing music they insist on playing in there (Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah - I mean really?)

Anyway, I filled out some forms and I've been told that I'll be well looked after at this different hospital tomorrow morning. I need to be there at 7.30 am and I've been told I should be sent home early afternoon assuming my diabetes behaves itself.

I'm feeling a little less hysterical and a bit more in control now. The nurse weighed me earlier and I was horrified at how much I have gained over the past couple of months. So I'm treating myself to new gym wear and a personal trainer next month to get myself back to some level of fitness and feeling good about my body again. I will take it very slowly but I feel more positive about beginning to move on.

One day at a time....

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I've had two MMC's and the first time I wasn't even aware there was such a thing so can sympathise what you are going through. I also opted for ERPC both times and while it's not exactly how I would choose to spend my day in the circumstances they weren't so bad. There are a few threads that talk about in more detail what to expect when you have an ERPC if you want to know a bit more. Don't overdo it physically for a few days after the op as that can increase your risk of infection.

I was also on clomid for the first one (I do have a DD so not in the same situation as you) and one thing that helped afterwards was the midwife telling me that your fertility is higher following any pregnancy - even one that hasn't gone to term.

Good luck for tomorrow.

Hi everyone,

Thanks yet again for your messages of support. I had the ERPC this morning at 11.30 and that's me just home now. Apart from a few cramps I feel physically okay and it all seemed to go without a hitch. Emotionally I'm not sure where I'm at - I don't feel upset which I'm finding very odd. I think I might just be a bit numb

Anyway, thanks again - talking here has helped me immeasurably.

Otter did they give you any info on counselling?

I never followed it up until this time (after MC4) and today had my first session and it was great. hard to talk, but great...

They didn't tiny. I didn't even get the correct info leaflet about post procedure. They couldn't find one so gave me one about happens after a hysterectomy

Is it counselling organised through the NHS?

Awwwww feel for you. The shock and the actual feeling of loss is overwhelming isn't it. All your thoughts and plans just gone.

After my EPRC I was physically fine after a few days and actually conceived again the following month. Focus on getting better. I planted a little plant for my LO and if it suits do something to remember them. Let a balloon go or whatever. It might help.

Just take care of yourself. I ended up needing 5 weeks off work as felt so low and the rest really helped me get better emotionally.

OP, so sorry to hear your news.
When I went through this, I felt as if my body had 'tricked me' and for me, carrying on feeling pregnant even though the baby had died was very hard to deal with. (We usually trust our bodies to tell us what's going on, don't we?)
Feeling numb is totally understandable. You've been on a merry-go-round of emotion.
I'm pleased for you that you were able to get the ERPC in the end.
For now, just look after yourself. Go with how you feel.
FWIW, we planted a climbing rose that is now a huge sturdy plant, with beautiful flowers. It was hard to see it at first, but a nice way to remember the baby I should have had.
Sending you a massive hug.

Oh my goodness, you are NOT being self indulgent.

Miscarriage is a dreadful shock and bereavement. I know the sorrow so well.

Be kind to yourself and take lots of time to grieve.

Oh Otters so sorry, yes it's NHS, at my local hospital, on the same floor as the EPU and also Maternity Ward

Maybe ring your EPU and ask if they have any info...

I am now in my wait for AF after ERPC (mine was on 30th October) and then will try again...

There's nothing I can say to help, but just that I'm so sorry for your loss xx