Having a visual has traumatised me

[emogirly6]

Hi,

I am sorry if this seems a bit shocking but at the moment I am so phased I don't know what to do.
I am currently going through a misscarrige i have just come out of hospital with painkillers and am being looked after by a friend. My friend I am staying with knows I am miscarriying. last night she invited over the girls to cheer me up and it did.
However in the early hours of this morning I passed the embryo and was able to see it clearly. For about two hours I just sat on the floor sobbing not wanting to flush it. In the end I did but I feel so guilty I just didn't want to torment myself much longer.
My friends could see I was red eyed I just said that the cramps were bad but I couldn't tell them about the embryo it was to intimate a moment. I told my partner when I got home and he has been so wonderful.
I just feel completely lost right now. I have had a previous misscarrige at a younger age which was okay to deal with because there was no visual there. I just worry this will haunt me now and in a way I wish I hadn't looked but it was one of those natural human things you can't help it out of curiosity.
I know this sounds extreme and horrifying.
I'm just torn right now :(

Hugs. Miscarrying is hard enough without that. I'm so sorry you had to go through it on your own and had to try to hide your feelings from your friends.

I have miscarried twice. I am able to be philosophical about the one that was "just" bleeding etc, but I can still remember the trauma of seeing a something. Like you, I wasn't at home and had to make a quick decision about what to do. I also flushed, which seemed wrong, but realistically what else could either of us have done?

It doesn't get better, but you get better at dealing with it.It sounds like your partner is switched on and can offer you support while you're suffering physically, and you can support each other emotionally now and beyond.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to be sad, or angry, or whatever it is you need.

I am so, so sorry for the loss of your baby Emo. I can imagine how horrific the experience must have been. I'm so pleased you have supportive partner and friends in real life.

My miscarriage was two months ago. I am still wracked with pain over flushing my baby away. I didn't see anything as the toilet was already filled with blood. I had nothing to compare the experience to and was in so much physical pain I just flushed. It was only afterwards that I realised what I had done. In some ways I wished I had seen.

I am sending much love. Try to be kind to yourself over the next days and months. I found talking to the Miscarriage Association and posting here great comfort. Take good care of yourself x

I'm sorry about your little Emo

I lost four but never saw anything. It must have been traumatic and sad for you

Thankyou for all of the support on here xxx it's nice to be able to talk and get things out xxxxxxxx

I found mc very isolating. Having other people say "yes it happened to me too and isn't it horrible" is surprisingly comforting.

We are here for you

When I spoke to a friend about this, she said she had always thought of her lost baby as a little fish and flushing it had sent it back to a river and onto the sea which I a risky thought was really lovely.

I hope one day you will feel that you had the opportunity to say goodbye to your precious baby, to hold it and then let it go with love.