Talking to friends about your miscarriage: the good, the bad and the inexplicable

[boldlittlebird]

I miscarried our first at 10 weeks, a little over a month ago. Going through that feels like coming out into a new world; I've changed, and I've found out lots about my DH and my friends and family. One of the revelations has been finding out how my friends deal (or don't deal) with talking about big, real-life stuff.

We hadn't announced generally, so only a handful of people knew: my two best friends, and DH's best friend and his wife (all sans DC).

Friend 1 (known for 13 years, though not always very closely), turned out to be an absolute gem. She was understanding, supportive, matter-of-fact and reassuring. She rang me regularly for several weeks afterwards, in a non-intrusive way, to see how I was doing. It's actually brought us much closer as friends, and we speak a lot now.

Friend 2 (known for 15 years, very closely), dropped out of contact for two weeks, then when she resurfaced had an hour-and-a-half conversation with me in which she didn't mention the miscarriage, or ask me how my DH or I was, or respond to things I said relating to the miscarriage . She seems to be completely freaked out by it. We still haven't spoken about it. It's the elephant in the room.

Wife of DH's friend (currently trying to conceive their first) laughed when I told her about being admitted to A and E.

I'm just thinking it's curious how people react to miscarriage: even friends who've been through a lot with you can turn out to have 'blind spots', or just no experience of dealing with death and loss. You get some really weird reactions, which you don't expect at all. Often people seem to want to help, but just have no idea how to talk to you and so end up completely ducking it. Other times they're clueless as to how painful an experience an MC can be. Often it seems it's actually your job to reassure other people about what's happened, to tell them it's OK, they can ask about it or not, and there's no need for them to worry about bringing it up.

How did anyone else find talking about their MC?

I told my friends last night - one was lovely - very upset and concerned, the other was horrible - she immediately started making light of it, joked, laughed, compared it to a minor illness she'd had (that was totally unrelated go pregnancy) and then started asking me wasn't I worried that there was something wrong and I wouldn't be able to have kids - and then started telling me about her other friend who is pregnant - I could have thumped her but instead I left.

It's made me re think whether or not I want her in my life as a close friend.

Oh kitkat, that's awful :(

I'd withdraw for a bit if I were you and see how you feel after a while. Do you think you'd be able to explain to her why what she said was so inappropriate and do you think she'd listen?

kitkat, chottie, I can't believe people said those things to you!

(Well, actually, sadly, I can - but they really, really should have stopped for a think before they did).

And kitkat, that sounds very reminiscent of the conversation I had with DH's best friend's wife. She smiled and laughed throughout, didn't once express any sympathy (even just an 'Oh, no' would have done) - it was like recounting the plot of a soap opera to someone. Then she started banging on about how her and her husband (who was a lot more sensitive in his conversation with my DH about the same thing) were TTC and she was worried that the baby was going to take over her life, stop her partying and turn her into someone boring. Then she looked at me for reassurance. I liked her quite a lot before, but that put her in a very different light.

I'm sorry you had a crap reaction. Just hold onto your good friend. You don't find out which ones are the ones really worth having until stuff like this happens.

So sorry for everyone's losses. It's such a tough time. The whole experience changes you as a person I think. I am very lucky to have a wonderful DH and we got through it together, we are stronger now because of the MC.

A lot of my work colleagues knew about the baby as I had to tell them early due to lifting etc. Most of them were lovely, some said nothing and some were just bloody insensitive.
Initially as people apologised for our loss..:I would fill in the gaps as they struggled to say 'miscarriage'...then I got fed up with that and stood silently as people looked for the right words! Guess that sounds hard but I think I needed to hear it.

I lost our baby at work and had a scan straight away (I work in a hospital) and had to come home to DH and tell him. My best friend was staying over at the time and she was absolutely shocking...in the absence of something supportive to say she spent the next hour talking about herself before making excuses and leaving! My best support was an older friend who I hadn't actually seen for months...she just listened as I ranted whatever, whenever.

I can only say that it does get easier in time. I have had 6 months to deal with the most bizarre grief that only a MC can bring. It has helped very much that I am pregnant again no doubt although the worry is immense. Our next scan will be on the due date of the baby we lost and this baby is due the same week as we MC one year on. All a little co-incidental if you ask me! Xxxx

wow, what a thread. Ladies, I am so sorry about your experiences. I can understand your heartbreak totally. i had my 2nd mc yesterday, our 2nd this year. And, you have all mentionned things I can relate to straight away. How the MC at 12wks+ isn't just a heavy period, you are debilitated for several days because you are bleeding so profusely, the clots are so big feel like your insides are falling out and the feeling you get when your baby comes away from you. Just a sad heart dropping sense of despair. My 2st MC at 8 wks wasn't quite as physically traumatic but both MC have been devastating. Reactions from friends and family have been different and I think its because they have/ haven't experienced it before.
Best friend1: she was sympathetic, held my hand and we chatted for 20 mins about it. Then the subject was never mentionned again. Have not spoke to her about MC2
Best friend2: my guy friend was amazing. He is not touchy feely guy, but we spoke about it for 10 mins. I struggled to get my words out, and tried not to cry in the middle of my local burger joint, but in that moment, my whole world went quiet, he stretched out his hand and held mine for a while. And, I felt as if he understood my pain. He is really mindful of me know, protective and he looks out for me.
Friend 3: a fairly new friend, but she lives very close to me and she has been amazing. Always ready to call me, text and I have been catching up with her once a month for girlie time. We talk about babies, miscarriage, pregnancies all the time and for some reason I feel totally ok to talk about it with her. She is honest, open, frank and always has time for me. She has two babies that I adore and they love me too. I'm a bit sensitive around evryone else's babies but her's, I love!
My family: although they live 3hrs away, they rushed to my side, my bro dropped everything to stay with me for a week (my DH was abroad with work and was trying to get back to me but took a few days), they called me every day
My PIL: no phone call or visits. my FIL said the really annoying thing of "you are young", "dont worry, plenty of time". the usual crap people say when they dont know what to say. My MIL said we lived too far away for her to visit (we live 60 mins away!?)

one thing that got me so angry was something my DH friend said to him. DH is a talker and naturally confided in his friend A about our MC, his friend then proceeded to tell him about another friend B. Friend B and his wife were trying for a baby and the wife kept MC, so they tested him and it was discovered he had a gene or his sperm was incompatible and kept causing the MCs. My DH came home and was so worried that there was something wrong with him. I was SO ANGRY! what d1ckhead would say something like this to a friend who has just experienced a MC??