Talking to friends about your miscarriage: the good, the bad and the inexplicable

[boldlittlebird]

I miscarried our first at 10 weeks, a little over a month ago. Going through that feels like coming out into a new world; I've changed, and I've found out lots about my DH and my friends and family. One of the revelations has been finding out how my friends deal (or don't deal) with talking about big, real-life stuff.

We hadn't announced generally, so only a handful of people knew: my two best friends, and DH's best friend and his wife (all sans DC).

Friend 1 (known for 13 years, though not always very closely), turned out to be an absolute gem. She was understanding, supportive, matter-of-fact and reassuring. She rang me regularly for several weeks afterwards, in a non-intrusive way, to see how I was doing. It's actually brought us much closer as friends, and we speak a lot now.

Friend 2 (known for 15 years, very closely), dropped out of contact for two weeks, then when she resurfaced had an hour-and-a-half conversation with me in which she didn't mention the miscarriage, or ask me how my DH or I was, or respond to things I said relating to the miscarriage . She seems to be completely freaked out by it. We still haven't spoken about it. It's the elephant in the room.

Wife of DH's friend (currently trying to conceive their first) laughed when I told her about being admitted to A and E.

I'm just thinking it's curious how people react to miscarriage: even friends who've been through a lot with you can turn out to have 'blind spots', or just no experience of dealing with death and loss. You get some really weird reactions, which you don't expect at all. Often people seem to want to help, but just have no idea how to talk to you and so end up completely ducking it. Other times they're clueless as to how painful an experience an MC can be. Often it seems it's actually your job to reassure other people about what's happened, to tell them it's OK, they can ask about it or not, and there's no need for them to worry about bringing it up.

How did anyone else find talking about their MC?

Vital. My first pg was a missed mc. ERPC. Grim. Just grim. I really appreciated those people who acknowledged what had happened, shared experiences or just left the door open for me to talk to them if I wanted. (One woman at work wrote in the card my work sent me about her own mc. She said she would always talk to me if I wanted. Never did but knowing I wasn't the only one helped more than she will ever know.)
At times it was all I could talk of. Other times I couldn't deal with talking about it. Needed lots of hugs. (Sorry MN!)
PS. Now have 2 kids. No it doesn't mean the hurt never happened but hope lives on.

Oh dear. Just realised I never actually ever said I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. (Self centred much? Sorry!)

I had a MMC last February, I found out at my 12 week scan.

Its changed me forever.

Only dp, my best friend & sister knew I was pregnantl.

My best friend was a real disappointment she has experienced a mc but expected me to go back to normal after I had the ERPC.

My younger sister was amazing. Her support & care really helped.

My mum & older sister, who both have had mc, hurt me by their indifference & lack of compassion. They didn't even bother to call me.

Im pregnant again but the mc changed my perception of my mum & sister forever.

Take care of yourself op. Its hard but it does get easier.

I have never spoken to anyone about my mc or how I felt or feel about it. Even typing this out is making me cry...

Talk to people its not good keeping it in. I didn't have anyone to talk to.

Thanks Wolfiefan and Shellywelly. Wolfie, no worries, you didn't come across as self-centred at all! And I'm sorry that it happened to both.

I think some people just aren't emotionally 'heavy-duty' enough to be able to support a friend or relative after something so massive; but you don't realise that until it happens, and they disappear. Other people have just never had anything really bad happen to them, so don't get the kind of impact it has.

It really does show people in a new light.

I think people generally tend to be more sympathetic if they have experienced it themselves. Otherwise it's hard to imagine how you feel - it's not just the loss of an albeit very small baby, it's the loss of a future you thought you were going to have, and the hopes and dreams that went with that. It's also a loss of innocence and naivete to some degree. The friends who don't mention it probably either don't want to upset you or don't realise that you will be still hurting and grieving for a considerable time afterwards.

I'm sorry you had to go through it.

Oh Shellywelly, I'm so sorry. It doesn't really go away.

Is there anyone you could talk to? Your sister? I'm sure she would understand and want to listen . . .

Thanks boldlittlebird.
So true biscuits. I was 13+ weeks and the thoughts of all the things I would never experience were overwhelming.
Shelly. If you need to talk we are here.

Biscuits, you're absolutely right. I don't think anyone's deliberately being insensitive; it just freaks some people out. Others are simply oblivious.

The loss of hopes and dreams was the worst thing for me, which sounds callous because you feel the worst thing should be the loss of the physical life of the child. It's also the loss of the new you. I was starting to turn myself into a mother, in my head, and then suddenly I wasn't and we were right back at the start with nothing.

And yes, I have a lot of sadness for the loss of innocence. I feel terribly sad for the innocent me, with no idea what was happening, who ended up on her hands and knees on the kitchen floor, shouting at God to make the pain stop. It changes you.

I've had two MMC's and had a few close that I could talk with when they happened and they offered support - though (thankfully) they hadn't experienced one themselves. And DP and DPIL's also supportive though I didn't discuss anything in detail with them. But after a week or so I didn't feel comfortable to keep discussing it in real life. But since my second one in September I've been a frequent visitor to this forum partly because I want to be able to offer support as I found it so helpful when I was going through it - but also because it gives me an opportunity to continue to discuss my experiences with others who have gone through similar - because the MMC's are frequently in my thoughts.

I would have found things much harder without mumsnet.

The thing which surprised me after miscarrying my first pregnancy was how many of the people I told had experienced the same. I think it made it easier to discuss the subject with them but also illustrated how little it is discussed generally as I was unaware that any of them (or their wives) had previously miscarried.

Until I miscarried, I didn't even know that my own mother had suffered two miscarriages. I suppose the fact that she went on to have 4 successful pregnancies pushed them into the background

In my experience the fact my mum, older sister & best friend had all experienced mcs made their behaviour towards me even more difficult to understand & hurtful.

Its a massive taboo & people just ignore it.
I've never spoken to my dp about it as I just cry, even now. He was utterly useless when u had the mc. He didn't even come to the hospital when I had the ERPC. I never tokd my in laws or dad- there was no point.

The only thing that helped me was getting pregnant again. I realise even 9 months later that I've come to terms with losing my baby but what was worse & caused long term damage was the way I was treated by the people who were supposed to love & care for me.

My younger sister is dealing with massive life changing issues it really wouldn't be appropriate to put this on her as well.

I found the Miscarriage Association brilliant. I strongly recommend anyone affected by mc to look on their website. They akso have a helpline to offer individual advice.

Take care...

I could have written your post.

I miscarried 6 weeks ago after fertility treatment and feel like I've become a completely different person since.

So many people were amazing about it and were really thoughtful etc...but two of my closest friends have basically cut me off. They haven't really spoken to me since, they both have children, I don't and I don't think they can handle it. I'm incredibly hurt and think this is probably the end if iur friendship :(

But, it has also highlighted how many amazing people I have in my life and for that I'm so grateful.

X

Thanks everyone for sharing what happened to you.

I think it is a massive taboo, in part because of the biological reality of what happens (modern culture seems to be fine with explicit sexual details of women's bodies and experiences, but completely grossed out by anything real and unglamorous, like miscarriage, birth and breastfeeding [ climbs down from soapbox]). But it's also because it's to do with death, and that's still a huge taboo.

The same friend who was very good to me told me about another friend of hers (call her 'S'), whose mum was dying. My friend called S and asked her how she was, and then how her mother was, at which point S said that my friend was the only person who had asked her that. Everyone around her knew, but they were so scared of talking to her that they'd just been pretending it wasn't happening, which left her feeling lonely and isolated. I think that's what happens with miscarriage often.

If there's one thing I've taken from this it's that I won't be one of those people in future. It's great that people are on here talking about what's happened to them, and supporting other people going through the same thing.

Blackberry, I completely agree. When I was told I'd had an MMC I read up about miscarriage, read the medical info I was given, and it didn't at all describe what happened. 'You can expect some large clots': well, I expected those to be a bit bigger than the ones you get when you have a period. Not something that looked like a big chunk of my insides had fallen out (sorry for the TMI). And the pain was absolutely the worst thing I have ever experienced. The doctor told me it was because the 'products of conception' were stuck in my tightly-closed cervix. They took it out manually, while my lovely DH held my hand and tried not to faint. Then they put me on a drip and kept me in overnight because they estimated I'd lost 2 or 3 pints of blood. That's not a 'heavy period'. People just aren't aware of what really happens.

Happily, Shelly - it was a real shock for me to find out just who could and couldn't deal with what happened. It has permanently distanced me from my former best friend. We'll still be friends; I just don't feel I can put my trust in her as much. I'm sorry to hear that what you went through meant you lost those relationships. It's so sh*tty becaue that's when you need them most.

Sorry for the essay . . .

I'm really sorry for your loss

I also found lots of friends (and family) pretty useless. I do think as a culture we are (on the whole) just collectively crap at dealing with grief and loss full stop. I think people are scared of seeing another person crying and hurting - misguidedly thinking that means they have upset them (whereas of course it's the actual loss they are upset about) - and therefore are unsure of what to say and hence don't say anything.

To be fair to my friends, they didn't have children and weren't trying to have them either, so I just think they weren't in that zone iykwim? So they couldn't really understand that I was grieving.

My dm came out with pretty much the full list of things the MA suggests NOT saying to a woman who has miscarried. She meant well - she likes to deal with things by thinking they could have been worse - and it's true, they could have - but I just felt like she was rubbishing the way I felt. I'm still rather shocked tbh, although she was much better after my second mc as she saw me go through it, including being taken to A&E in an ambulance! (Slight overreaction on the part of the OOH GP's part imho) We don't live near each other and I didn't see her the first time, just spoke to her on the phone.

I had one lovely friend who had small children who totally got it and she was fab. Otherwise I felt a bit isolated IRL - although I did join a miscarriage forum and am still in touch with some of the women from it - we formed a close bond going through mc and happily, subsequent successful pg and babies together.

MMC in July aged 39, 9 weeks gone but no hb on an early scan. ERPC a week later under local anaesthetic with my partner holding my hand.

I had stupidly told far more people than I had intended, admittedly a fair few guessed. Everyone was lovely, but I did get heartily fed up of people saying 'at least you know you can get pregnant', or 'you're not too old, my aunt/sister/colleague had a baby when they were 45/51/56'.

It had taken ages for us to conceive and I was so excited at the prospect of giving birth a month before my 40th birthday, best present ever. I don't care that I might be able to conceive again, I wanted that baby.

Actually, tbh, I wouldn't really expect too much from people irl, mainly because you don't know what their own experience of mc is. Online support, both here and on another talkboard was far more helpful for me personally.

When you talk about the loss of innocence bird that really struck a chord with me.

Watching friends announcing they are 2 minutes pregnant with wild abandon made me jealous for want of a better word. I knew that I would never feel that confidence that they felt. I have gone on to have a child but something is ripped out of you when you lose a baby, that innocent joy.

My dad was going through chemo when I lost my first baby and he said something that stuck aswell. That people can make the right noises to you but in the end It's you stuck in your own head and you are quite alone at the end of the day, having to deal with it yourself.

I'm sorry for your losses everyone.

I still don't talk to 2 very close friends 8 years on because they told me it was about time I got over it (it was approaching what would have been my baby's first Xmas).

Some people were amazing though. I have cards some of my friends sent which are too painful to read but they really understood the loss of hopes and dreams, not just the foetus.

So sorry for your losses all

I'm so sorry for your loss OP xxx

I've just had my 2nd mc in 6 weeks - both were very early - 5wk + 4 and current one about 5wks.

I didn't tell many people but the people I told were the ones that I knew would give me the support I needed - and these weren't necessarily my closest friends.

The best support has come from a friend of about 6 years who I actually met online via another hobby forum - we'd actually had a bit of a fall out last year and become friends again this year and her support has been invaluable - even just the text messages to ask how I am.

My friends that I see most regularly don't even know I was pg - I saw them about 3 days post mc when I'd been admitted to hospital - they didn't ask what I was admitted for, show any concern for my health and have never mentioned it since or responded to any mention I have made of being unwell - I was really disappointed and when I see them this weekend I won't mention a thing because clearly, they don't care.

I think it's important to have the right type of people around you at theses times - and these aren't always the people you are closest to!

Please cut all toxic people out of your life, at this time you need a cocoon of support around you.

Some people may say they don't know what to say, but I don't think that is any excuse. Did anyone else get told 'it's nature's way of getting rid of something abnormal?' It's such a crass and uncaring thing to say....

OP - I am so sorry to hear of your loss x.

Thanks Blackberry, I had three consecutive miscarriages 30 years ago and I do have two DC, but some comments cut deep and I have never forgotten those comments even though it was a lot of years ago