Trying again after mc, how did you feel?

[spinningirl10]

Hello,

I've been hanging around here for a couple of days after having an early miscarriage at 4w+5

I feel a bit of a fraud because it was so early but we still feel absolutely devastated that our bean is no longer with us.

Some of the stories here are heartbreaking.....I am so sorry for any of you who have suffered a loss, it's so hard to understand.

It would have been my 3rd child and my dp's 1st. My other dc are 17 and 7.

Yesterday I asked my dp about trying again and he didn't answer so I asked if he thought I should go back on the pill and he shocked me by saying yes

He said he thinks we should try again later next year!!!

I know it's very early for us and we're still coming to terms with our loss but this has upset me so much!

I'm 41 so we really don't have the luxury of putting it off. I know how upset he is at losing our bean.......but I've spoken to the midwife and the doctor and both said there is no reason for us not to try again as soon as we feel we want to to and there is also a good chance of this not happening again.

I think he's scared of going through this again as am I, it's heartbreaking......everything changes doesn't it when you get that bfp......you can't help but makes plans for the future and then it's suddenly taken away

I would really like to hear your thoughts and maybe some positive stories form older ladies who have gone on to have a baby after mc.

[HollyBen]

Hi spinningirl10. Sorry to hear of your loss.

I had a mc followed by an ERPC in September. I already have one DD who is 2 and a half. When I started bleeding at 5+2 I thought we wouldn't try again. I am 39 and had it in my head I wanted DC2 before I hit 40 - I would have been due 3 months before my birthday. It took another 4 weeks for the MC to be confirmed and I went through the whole range of emotions. We decided not to wait and continued to DTD (when I felt up to it) without any contraception whilst waiting for AF to return. I had convinced myself I might be pg but after a couple of BFPs I am now waiting for AF to return so we might have a better chance of knowing when to DTD.

It is a very personal think decide when and even if to TTC again. For me, we would love another DC so don't want to wait as there is no knowing how long it might take. When trying to conceive DC1 it took us 8 month to get BFP#1 (which ended in MC at 11 weeks), then just a month to get BFP#2. This time it was 2 months. Both times I wish had started TTC earlier.

Not sure any of this helps you. I'd say you need to talk through with DH what his fears are if you want to start TTC straight away

[HollyBen]

Sorry that was quite long and rambling - I was distracted by Dr Ranj singing about where poo comes from on Cbeebies

[firsttimekat]

Hi, sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Although I can't answer from an older mother perspective I wanted to share my story. After about a year of trying we got pg, first for both of us so you can imagine how excited we were! MMC in August should have been 11 weeks but bean had stopped growing at 8/9 weeks. ERPC followed along with a whole range of emotions including never feeling like I'd be able to try again.

After the bleeding stopped, we started DTD without contraceptives but without the same intent, just letting nature take its course if you know what I mean. That has sort of eased us in and I can't believe how differently I feel even a short time later.

This week we found out we are pregnant again! Completely skipped AF. Now on a whole other roller coaster of emotions, but to be honest I don't think that would have changed if I'd waited a year, although part of me was tempted.

[spinningirl10]

Thank you HollyBen and firsttimekat

I'm sorry for your losses and congratulations firsttime on your bfp, keeping fingers crossed for a sticky bean for you this time.

Hollyben....hope you get your bfp very soon :) I've been lurking on the Dec bus so maybe i'll see you there!

I have spoken to dp today while we were walking with my 7 year old ds.....it's hard to talk with him around as he doesn't know. Dp working long shifts now until Wednesday so most of our chatting will be via text!

He says he thought about waiting because he's worried about me.....I'm having a tough time with my ex dh at the moment.

So anyway we had a good chat and I think we probably will try sooner rather than later. I know it could take a while...my doc had said allow 8months+ and we got our bfp only 2 months later but there's no telling it would happen so quickly again! I have heard that you're more fertile after a mc....do you know if there's any truth in this or just an old wives tale?!

[HollyBen]

I too have hear you are more fertile for 6 months. I the instance of my first MC it was the case and seems to have worked for Kat (congratulations btw) but as with everything I don't think there is any sort of hard and fast rule. Some people seem to quickly get a BFP and it can take others many, many months.

I have tentatively boarded the Dec bus. Fingers crossed that whenever you do decide to TTC again you get a BFP quickly and have an uneventful pregnancy.

[LouisaJF]

I really don't think the length of the pregnancy has any bearing on how you are entitled to feel. You will grieve just the same.

I had an MMC a few days before my 12 week scan. I handled the loss quite badly and my DH was also reticent to try again as he was worried about me and how I would handle another loss. We talked and I felt the only way I would ever feel better was to be pregnant again.

I fell pregnant 2 months later. DS is currently tearing up my living room and I'm pregnant with DC2. For me it was the best thing I could have done but this is such a personal thing that you both have to talk it through. It's understandable for DH to want to protect you. They are very much on the outside for the pregnancy and the loss so this is how they feel they are helping.

[Ruggle]

Hi Spinningirl10

Similar to LouisaJF I also had a MMC just before my 12 week scan. I was devastated, and literally cried for two weeks solid. Trying again was the last thing on our minds for at least 3 weeks, but as I'm almost 39 and not yet had children I didn't want to wait too long, and now, 3 months later, I've just got a BFP, and am over the moon, though quite hesitant to celebrate until I've had a scan and actually seen a heartbeat (which I never got to see the first time around).

So sorry for your loss!

[spinningirl10]

Thank you Louisa and Ruggle,

I really feel that I want to get pregnant again asap and I think my dp does as well.....he just says he needs time to accept what has happened....we both do! It's a crappy thing to go through :(

It's been so helpful having MN to come to.....no-one else knows irl and I don't want to tell anyone. I just want to stay shut away indoors really but my gorgeous ds is a good distraction from my misery!

Wishing you both a healthy pregnancy xx

[spinningirl10]

Oh Katatonic that is exactly how I feel with regards being pregnant again before my due date of July 4th!

I'm already dreading all the milestones like 12 weeks which would have been just before Christmas and we were excitedly looking forward to telling people at this time.

I know my dp is worried about even having sex again, we hadn't dtd since getting my bfp ( hope not tmi!) and he is really worried that we could go through this again. It is very hard for our partners to see us go through this when there is little they can do to help us.....but just him being there for me has helped so much for me.

But I also know that in time we will both be ready, my bleeding has now more or less stopped and this morning I have done a pregnancy test which has of course come back not pregnant. I didn't want to take it but I needed to see for myself that it really is all over!

I'm sorry for your loss but thrilled for you that you are now 17weeks pregnant!! I can imagine it must be hard to not to worry constantly when you conceive again so it must be lovely to be at your stage now! I wish you a happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy and nearly time for that exciting 20 week scan

[Taffeta]

I had a MMC at 36 yo, ( 7 weeks possibly) then pg with DS 3 months later.

Tried for 2 months then another MMC (8 weeks) then tried for 11 months and pg with DD. I was 39 years old when I had her.

It's awfully hard and very stressful in those early days of pregnancy when you've had a MC. All the best.

[B0b03]

Hello spinninggirl
Im so sorry you have lost your bean. I miss-carried in July at 6wks & like you this would have been our 3rd baby and would have completed our family having two gorgeous boys already. We decided to try again but every month since there's been disappointment, im 38. Everything does change and the sadness never leaves, just left with continuous thoughts of why?
I'm hopeful that we will get pg again as there's no medical reason why we shouldn't but im very anxious that it may happen again.
I wish you all the best and look after each other as its not an easy situation to work through.

[Countmyblessings]

Hi all - so very sorry for your losses! It's so hard when happiness turns into sadness so quickly!
I have had a few losses and my last one resulted in removing a tube! And as I laid in the hospital bed the doc told me I may need help if I wanted to try again!
3 months on and with only 1 tube I fell pregnant without even trying and my beautiful baby girl is 8 months now!
I guess I'm trying to let you know it is possible even when everything seems to be against you!
Best wishes to you all trying in the future!
Try not to be obsessed with it all, your body works better when not under pressure!

[spinningirl10]

Thank you ladies for your words....so sorry for your losses.

so pleased to hear that Taffeta and Countmyblessings went on to get your precious baby.....escpecially with only one tube!

Bob03 I hope that you get your bfp very soon, it must be so hard every month for you.

Today I've bought folic acid which I wasn't taking before but the midwife advised it.....at least when we're ready to start trying I'll feel like we're giving it our best shot.