It still breaks my heart...

[killpeppa]

I have two DC but before I had DS1 I had a miscarriage.

It was a missed miscarriage- I went to the EPC one night after work as I just had a feeling, I was 11 weeks and had a bump, I can remember joking with the Dr scanning me about it maybe being twins because my bump was that big- I will never ever ever forget the lack of response and the look in his eyes.

I ended up being in hospital for 4 days, waiting for a d&c as i kept getting pushed down the surgery list.

Theres not one day that goes past that I dont think about it.

It will be 3 years in march, my other childrens birthdays are the 17th march, the 20th march and my D&C date is the 22nd march. emotional roller coaster.

Has anyone any words or ways to help me deal with my still breaking heart

I have been so lucky not to have experienced this.

I have no words that are wise enough, but will offer my virtual hand to hold.

I had several MCs (all very early) on my journey to having my family. I know how much it hurts and how those feelings can return and surprise me even when I think I've put it all in the past. I'm so sorry that you are also going through this bereavement.

Over the years, I'e done several things that I found helpful. I don't know if any of them will appeal to you but I'll write them down and you can see what you think.

1. I wrote myself a long letter detailing everything about the first pregnancy I had which ended in a MC. I wanted to remember all the facts in the right order, how I felt etc. I didn't set out to right such a long letter to myself - but once I started I couldn't stop (I did cry a fair bit too). It as very cathartic.

2. I bought myself a small, special piece of jewellery to commemorate my lost child. Subsequently when it had happened several times, I started to add a charm to my old charm bracelet. One charm for each child, the living and lost ones.

3. Last month I went to a "Saying Goodbye" service, which are special services to remember babies lost in pregnancy, childbirth and infancy. I'm not religious at all, but found it very comforting to be surrounded by people in a similar position. The music and surroundings were beautiful and I was surprised at how emotional I became. Again, it felt necessary to me. You can find out more about Saying Goodbye here.

I think that in my case, taking steps to actively remember (rather than feel like everyone was trying hard to forget) really helped me start to process how I was feeling.

Good luck, killpeppa, and a wee hug and a hand hold.

Apologies for the awful spelling and typos.

killpeppa, would you consider some counselling if your loss is still affecting you that much after this time?

I had 4 MMCs and consider myself v lucky that I always felt them to be lost pregnancies rather than babies IYSWIM. Apart from one I cannot even remember the EDDs anymore .

There is no right or wrong way to grieve of course, I just felt your post sounded so sad and upset and it seems a shame to have your existing children's birthday's tainted by something that happened a while ago.
Is there any MC support in your area?
The Miscarriage Association can be a good start.

I am wishing you peace and that you find a way to manage your pain x.

There was a nice analogy used on here (sorry can't remember who, so can't credit it) about grief being like a heavy stone you have to lug around. What should happen is that over time it diminishes and becomes a pebble you can slip in your pocket. Sometimes you take it out and remember, but most of the time you carry it without being aware of it. It does sound like yours is still weighing very heavily on you.
I had my first MC in 2009 and was devastated. I've since had another 3 and I can see both previous posters points of view - the need to acknowledge and commemorate the loss, and the detachment as it becomes a repeated experience. I loved the first baby I lost utterly and completely from the moment I saw the line on the test. The others were no less wanted but that awful loss of innocence meant I detached a bit to protect myself.
Miscarriage can be a lonely experience and perhaps you felt under pressure to be back to normal at the time and never processed your emotions properly. Counselling would be one way to do that.
I offer my ways of commemoration for your consideration, not that you should do the same as me, but perhaps start a thread asking for other suggestions to see if any appeal to you? With the first MC I had a forget-me-not charm on a necklace. In the end it felt a bit like that was symbolising the grief more than the baby, so I chucked it out to sea at a beauty spot. I've planted up a corner of my garden with a plant chosen for each baby, connected to remembrance or to a name I'd been considering, and chosen to be in flower or fruit at anniversary and EDD. On the EDD I buy a charity gift connected to helping a newborn.
You shouldn't aim to forget because your baby was important, but neither should it taint your enjoyment of your living children. I hope you can find a way to move forward.

Hugs from me too. I can't add much to the eloquence of previous posters, but there are two little things that have given me a little lift through the last 2 MCs I have gone through. First was this article which, if it is true, means that cells of you lost darling baby are going to stay in you for ever, and that they will also have been passed into your DCs. Thanks, I think to Bakingtins for posting this article in an old thread.

And also, just thinking that if I ever get lucky with DC3, I will not be holding the particular baby, and being able to love that particular baby unless I had lost my two little beans. You wouldn't have your two DCs without having lost your first one.

You will never have a day where you don't think about your baby and don't feel guilty about it. That baby was created by and a part of you and mightn't be here physically but will always be in your heart.

I lost my first baby at 11weeks as well and it broke my heart, especially as no-one seemed to understand that it was as much a baby to me as it was if I had of went full-term. I eventually took a breakdown and the main thing that helped was counselling as it helped me rationalise all the guilt and anger and hurt and all the other thousand emotions I just couldn't process.

I felt from the begining it was a boy and named him and that helped as well. My local church has a shrine dedicated to all the lost children and on the anniversary of the loss and my due date (or his birthday) I leave flowers or a small token.

He would be five now and thankfully it does get easier and eventually bearable, so hang on in there x

Bakingtins analogy is a beautiful one.
The memory will always be bittersweet, but I hope, in time, less painful.