Miscarriage

[sunny83]

Hello

I have been wating to write a message and ask for advice for a long time but have only just been able to do it. I'm sorry for the lack of abbreviations but I am new to this.

I had a late miscarriage with my first baby in Summer 2013, I was nearly 24 weeks. My 20 week scan was fine and baby had a healthy heartbeat. At about 23 weeks I couldn't feel as much movement so I asked some mums for advice who told me to get it checked out but that it was probably nothing to worry about. I went to the hospital a few days later and they couldnt find a heartbeat and told me my baby had passed away so they gave me the pills to induce me and I gave birth to him and when he was born the lady in the room next to me gave birth at the same time and while her baby cried and cried mine was silent while I held him in my arms. It was the saddest time of my life and I want to say to any of you who have been through any kind of miscarriage or stillbirth or anything I am so sorry for you all and my heart goes out to you. I was so naive I didn't even think about this before it happened to me. In fact it was the last thing I was worried about when I was pregnant.

Two weeks after delivery I had to have an ERPC as they thought something was still inside me as I was in a lot of pain. I then waited for the post mortem results (they didn't find anything conclusive) and myself and my husband wanted to try again but we thought we should wait for the results. I still feel awful and even though the pain is gradually getting less day by day, it is still so hard.

I feel like the only thing that will help is to get pregnant again and wierdly when it happened for us before it was totally unexpected and a lovely surprise as my periods were nearly absent. (I have had the tests for PCOS and although they say more than 20 cycts on each ovary during an internal scan a second scan was clear). And know it is all I think about I just want to get pregnant again and I am so scared that it will never happen because its all I think about. I wish we had tried straight away as I read you are more fertile and know I feel like we missed our chance.

I just wanted to see if anyone else is in the same boat or if anyone has any positive stories. Do you guys think that it is true that if I am trying too hard it wont happen? Or do you think there is no harm in trying a bit harder and thinking about it too much? I'm so sorry for rambling and thank you x

Hi sunny. I am so sorry for you loss. I have had 2 miscarriages but both were before 12 weeks. Actually having to give birth must have been so hard. After my first ERPC I conceived my DD (darling daughter) within 2 cycles. I am waiting for my first AF (period) after my second ERPC so we can try again. You are supposed to be more fertile after a pregnancy so fingers crossed it you do decide to try again. Not really in the same position but couldn't just read and not reply.

Hi Sunny, I am sorry to hear of your loss and what you have been through.
We lost our baby at 15 weeks in June and all I have thought about it being pg again. I finally feel it is about the right time to start trying again but am so scared it won;t happen or something goes wrong again (we don't have any fertility issues that we know of) Like you we wanted to wait for our follow up appointments to be done before trying but I have been too scared to try since then.
I wish it was easy not to try and not to try to hard, but if you are like me, every neg test is a blow! But apparently trying to relax and not 'try' helps! xx

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear of your experience, I can't imagine what it must have been like.
I just wanted to reassure you on the 'trying too hard' thing. In my personal opinion the 'just relax' stuff is bllcks. We tried to conceive for almost 2 years before getting pg then I had a mc at 7 weeks. I can't tell you how many well meaning friends told me I just needed to relax and not think about it. If all I needed to do was relax I would have been pg in the first year of trying as I hadn't expected it to happen quickly so was not getting stressed about it when it didn't. Disappointed each month, yes, but not worried or stressed. When we finally conceived we were on holiday. I ovulated the week we had 36 hours of travelling, flights to the US, staying with MiL beforehand, sleeping in a tiny tent or on an airbed on a mate's floor. But I was taking clomid (fertility drug) and we had to make every effort. Believe me this was the most stressful and pressured week of sex we've ever had, but it was the one that worked! I'm still waiting for AF to return so we can start trying again.

Hi Sunny,

Although I can't really give you any advice I know exactly what you are going through. My little boy was also stillborn 7 weeks ago now at 25 weeks and I am now desperate to conceive. In fact I am pretty much stressing about it already. I have had my first proper AF so I guess we're on the TTC road.

There is a thread on the conception forum 'remembering our angel babies' which although I don't post on, frequently lurk. Reading it does give me a bit more confidence about trying again as there are quite a few ladies on that thread that are pregnant after losing a baby.

There are also posts and threads on the Sands forum about trying to conceive after a late miscarriage/stillbirth where you will be able to get lots of support from others that have again been through the same as you.

I'm sorry for your loss sunny.

What you are feeling sounds natural and can very much symphathise with wanting to get pg again and the stress around it. I am currently monitoring my ovulation for the first time since I had my second MC last month and also want to make use of the higher fertility as it took two years to fall pg trying for no 2. I'm not sure how long fertility is supposed to be higher but I don't think you've missed the boat. Also it must be particularly hard to deal with a late MC so it was probably no bad thing to wait a little.

There's also a TTC after MC and PG after MC (when the time comes - I'm sure it will) threads (sorry I don't have links) which you may find helpful.

Sorry for your loss. I understand how strong the desire to get pregnant again is as I lost my first baby suddenly at 4 days old last year.

Sands has good support forums and a TTC group where you will get a lot of support.

Wont say try and relax as it can be nearly impossible. Hope it does not take to long for you. It took us 7 months but I am now 21 weeks with our rainbow.

I lost my first DC at 20 weeks. It was awful, I felt like my body had betrayed me. It almost made it worse that the doctors could find no reason for my DC dying. I understand your loss and I am sorry that you have had to experience it.

I didn't want to wait to try again, I needed to do something because in my head I was about to become a mother.

I fell pregnant again about 5 months later. We tried for DC1 for 18 months and for DC2 for 2 months. The pregnancy went fine, although I fretted for the first 24 weeks or so. DS is now taller than me and is my pride and joy. I never fell pregnant again, although all the tests could not find a reason... But I don't mind (sometimes).

My advice is do what your heart tells you to do, but try and enjoy the baby making. Don't make it all about getting pregnant, make it about being intimate with your DH, that is an important part of the healing process for both of you.

Good luck and stay strong.