its a club i never thought id join.

[mrspayne7438]

This time two weeks ago Iwas in bed holding my ttummy thinking in a weeks time I can tell everyone I'm having another baby.

Now, I'm explaining to everyone the reason i burst into tears when they ask me if I'm OK, I'm apologising because I've had a miscarriage.

You see I went for my scan 10 days ago and the lady said "I'm sorry to tell you, your baby has no heartbeat". "Pardon" I replied. She repeated her sentence and said she would go and get her colleague to confirm her findings. In came another lady and confirmed the "no heartbeat" sentence. ERM hello. Do it again. I'm was sick this morning, I smelt the petrol so bad when I filled up on route. I can't bere coffee. Do it again.

Mrs Payne, I'm sorry I can confirm that your baby stopped growing at 7.5 weeks.

No. Maybe I'm not as pregnant as I thought I am.

Mrs Payne, your baby has no heartbeat, it is measuring 7.5 weeks. We are sorry, can you get dressed and we can discuss your options.

I have had no bleeding, I have symptoms to this day.

You need to get dressed and go in the other room.

You can take some tablets on Thursday, I'll book you a bed for Saturday and you'll pass the pregnancy in hospital. You might see "things" you don't want to see.

No thank you. I can't take those tablets, I can't be the one to remove my baby from my body.

I'llbook you for a d+c on mMonday then. If you takethe ttablets you might have to have it anyway. OOK. Its not ideal but at this point in time this is my only option.

I then ring my husband who is really not expecting this news. I told him not to come. We have two beautiful boys already. He's self employed. It only a confirmation. I need you at the 20 week scan. We've done this before. Go to work. I'm fine.

If ever I needed him, I needed him then.

No. I'm not going

Oh, Mrs Payne I'm so so sorry.

Thinking of you Mrs Payne.

:( Sorry Mrs P

I'm so sorry Mrs Payne.

I was in exactly the same position on September 18th.

Happily pregnant with third child, two boys already.

Went for 12 week scan, told DH not to come as he could look after the boys while I had it done. Just a routine scan, I said, you have to come to the 20 week one though as this is when we can know whether baby is a boy or a girl.

Was a little worried about DS or there being twins... then I saw the baby come up on the screen as the sonographer commenced the scan. Phew, I thought there's only one... Sonographer asked if I had had any problems, any pain or bleeding. No, I said... Sonographer said 'because I can't see any blood flow... and there's no heartbeat... I'm so sorry, will have to get someone in to confirm...'

So shocked. Did not expect my baby to be dead, was still feeling slightly queasy and completely off coffee, no pain, no bleeding....

Had ERPC two days later.

It really sucks doesn't it And the worst of it is that I am desperate to try and conceive again but DH is very reluctant... I think he doesn't feel he can go through this again and he is just grateful for the two healthy boys we have... I am also very grateful and aware of just how lucky we already are... but I feel like there is a great gaping hole in my belly that only another pregnancy and baby will heal.

and hugs to you Mrs Payne.

Thank you ladies.

Nutcrackerfairy, we are living parallel lives. I don't know were to go from here. I can't do this again. The pain is unbearable. I don't know how women cope who go through this and have no other children to focus on. The d+c was horrendous. It brought a bit of closure. But everyone says "oh you'll be pregnant again soon". I will never say those words to anyone again. They are not helpful. X

Thinking of you Mrs Payne. You're so right - those words are not helpful x

My heart goes out to you. The hurt feels unbearable, I know. I will be thinking about you

Have been there. My heart goes out to you. Please give yourself time to rest and recover. I think the world forgets or doesn't understand what a trauma this is physically and mentally.

People mean well but say the crassest things. We are very dismissive of miscarriage in this country. I've had several and each one was the loss of a baby that I'd been excited and happy about. I have also been blessed with having 4 beautiful DC and every now and again when the 14 year old slams door or 1 year old wakes me up all night it helps to remember how very lucky I got.

Take care

Parallel life here too. June 13th last year. Two beautiful dcs already. No don't need anyone to accompany me to 12 week scan, done this before, just a short procedure. Can fit scan in during work lunch break and be back at work within the hour. Belly swelling nicely, got all my maternity clothes last night, ironed them ready. No adverse signs at all.

As soon as scan came up on screen I knew (as have had 2 12 week scans previously with other dcs). "the baby's dead isn't it" I said to sonographer. Yes. Had to go back to work as had something to do I could not possibly miss. Erpc the next day whilst dcs at school/nursery.

It absolutely devastated me so I can very much sympathise with you and sending out a big hug. Have no words of wisdom other than what I did myself, grieve, go easy on myself. I told lots of people (bizarrely, as am usually a private person and HATE fuss) which strangely for me made it easier for me to acknowledge it and 'get it out there' and receive support and not have to suffer in silence. But everyone deals with these things differently. Strange how many people came out of the woodwork and admitted same had happened to them.

Nutcracker, my dh also very much against having a third. After grieving and partially healing my heart (but never forgotten) I did get pregnant again, and now feeding twin babies at 4am.

mrsp so sorry you're going through this. Well meaning people say the most hurtful things. In my case it was my first baby and it had taken 22 months to get pg. I can't tell you how many people told me "But it's good news really isn't it? You know you can get pg now!". "It'll just take a little longer."
"It was for the best." "You know up to 50% of pregnancies end in mc? It's perfectly normal".

None of these help, they all make me want to scream at the person saying them. It would have been my 12 week scan in just over a week. DPs best friend has just told him his wife had the 12 week scan this week. We've now got to watch her bump grow as mine would have. It only took them a couple of months to conceive. Life seems so unfair.

So sorry and sad to hear your news too Mrs P. I went for my 12 week scan last Monday to find the same - 7 week baby with no heartbeat and no growth. Started miscarriage process naturally a day later. Still bleeding lots and passing clots in waves. Going back for second scan on Monday to see if miscarriage complete. Its an awful traumatic process that no one seems to talk about outside of these forums. So glad we are all on here. It feels very isolating and frightening. Was glad to find website www.sayinggoodbye.org as that helped me a bit listening to the spoken word on there and reading stuff. The pain is deep. You are not alone. We all stand together grieving our lost babies whose lives were far too short. hugs x

Im so sorry mrsp

So sorry Mrs Payne.

I never thought this would happen to me either. I already have 4 beautiful daughters, this pregnancy was unplanned and I suffered the worst morning sickness yet.

It was just beginning to alleviate slightly at 12 weeks (though not significantly) when I went for my scan on Tuesday.

We had just got over the shock and were really beginning to look forward to having another baby when the scan informed me that the baby died at 10+5.

I was completely blindsided, that the baby might have died was not on my radar, the scan was about discovering size/due date, just a confirmation.

I was on my own for the first time, the appointment was at 4pm so DH had to do the school run, they put the scanner on my tummy and said 'there is your little one'.

I was so busy peering at the screen looking at the baby that I didn't spot the silence but it was only about a minute later when the sonographer said 'sorry there's no heartbeat'. I hadn't noticed the baby wasn't moving.

The baby died at 10+5, but the hard thing is I am still experiencing nasty nausea and chronic fatigue. I still feel pregnant.

I had an appointment at the EPAC on Thursday and am booked in for medical management in Wednesday. All options terrify me, but especially surgery although I've been informed its still a possibility if the medical management doesn't go to plan.

They didn't seem all that keen on conservative management due to the size of the pregnancy, but I'm terrified of what's to come. Apparently it's very painful, just hoping they give good pain relief. They said that they will insert a cannula just in case fluids etc are needed but this way we get a certificate of loss which means we can do something with the remains which is important for us.

It still all feels surreal, last week I was having a baby, we'd just told the 9 year old and 3 year old and now we've had to explain.

Always thought this kind of thing happened to other people, I've been lucky never to suffer infertility or miscarriage. The sonographer said the baby "didn't look right" and there was a lot of fluid, suspecting chromosomal problems but that isn't much of a consolation. It was our baby and we loved him or her regardless. Yes I have 4 lovely children but that doesn't make losing a fifth any easier. We still wanted this one and even if there is another pregnancy (not sure I could ever face it) it wouldn't replace this precious little one.

My heart goes out to everyone, miscarriage is devastating no matter what gestation it occurs and regardless of how many children you do or don't have.

Finding out via the scan when you have no clue anything wrong a dreadful way to discover. TBH I thought the sonographer brusque "sorry there's no heartbeat" but no easy way to say it I guess. EPAC were lovely though. I thought I'd have another scan but I guess as it was confirmed by 2 sonographers it's pointless. Apparently 10+5 later than usual for this to happen?

I'm so sorry for your loss, Moreteavicar. It is such a sad, sad thing, at whatever gestation.

I found the thread below - tips on the practicalities of miscarriage - really useful preparation as I couldn't take in all that the EPAU told me when they broke the news.

Take good care of yourself xxx

Sorry to hijack the thread... but Beaches how did you persuade your DH to try to conceive again?

Congratulations on your twins by the way! I know they are not a replacement for the baby you lost... but what wonderful additions to your family. Absolutely heart warming, thank you for sharing your story.

So sad for you; it's miserable experience.

Mrs Payne. It's awful. I'm so sorry for you. The next few weeks will be especially tough. Be kind to yourself - your body, mind and spirit. It's fuxking shit really. I know, I've had two this year (I also have two DSs) - and finding out at the scan was a horrible, lonely experience (like you, DH wasn't there).
Feeling for you. Take care.

Sorry that you've joined this club MrsP. I was also unaware that there was such a thing as a MMC so was totally unprepared. And also sorry for your loss Moretea.

It's a dreadful time so hopefully you have good support.

A year after my mmc I am still brought to tears by the experiences on this thread. I agree that finding out at a clinical experience like a scan is a brutal experience. I have found it particularly upsetting when friends' babies were born the same time as my LO was due (which is irrational I know) and how quickly my dh and family forgot all about my mmc/LO - no-one remembered when it was my due date or the one year anniversary of the scan. The LO's memory is in my heart only. Crying even typing this even though its 16mths since it happened, and have given birth to twins since, you would have thought that this would have healed me but never.

Nutcracker, didn't convince dh, he was totally against a third, but pregnancy was apparently an 'accident'... :) After the mmc, I found the pregnancy an extremely anxious experience especially each and every scan (despite me having two healthy pregnancies before mmc). My kind doctor booked me in for an early scan at 7wks due to previous mmc and some early cramping, and sonographer went silent again. Was hysterically crying as thought history was repeating itself until she said 'there are two in there'. Mouth open moment. This doesn't detract from previous pain, but hope it shows that there can be happiness after such a horrid experience.