Any teachers with advice re work & mc?

[Hessy]

I would be twelve weeks but today have found out that the baby died at seven weeks. I'm a bit befuddled about all the info the epau gave me and very overwhelmed and teary.

I understand it'll be different for everyone but is there any advice about calling in sick to work? I'm a teacher and the impact on my students and colleagues if I don't come in is huge. I have exam classes to prep, a mock Ofsted in a couple of weeks. I teach a practical subject and if I'm not there, the students go to classrooms to do written work.

Equally my stress levels are through the roof at work. My first thoughts when I heard the baby died at seven weeks was to work out this would have been the week in August I went in to get the exam results and discovered they were the lowest in years - I'd cried for days about how I'd failed my students and how I would be hauled in front of the head to explain myself.

I have only light spotting at the moment so I know the worst is yet to come. I know I could take a tablet to speed things up but I don't feel ready to make that decision yet.

My instinct is to call in on Monday and say I won't be in all week. Can anyone reassure me that I'm not being selfish/melodramatic by doing this. Whenever I've called in sick before I've spent the day wracked with guilt.

I wish I was strong enough to put myself first. I'd really welcome anyone's advice. X

You poor thing. You need to take the time off to recover as much as possible. I am a teacher too and know that there is no down time. With some jobs you can just put your head down and quietly get your work done. One of my colleagues took a week off after a miscarriage and we all totally understood. It sounds like you should do the same Hessy.

I'm so sorry

My advice would be take a week (or more if needed) off and look after you. Your colleagues will understand. I know what it's like when you feel like you are letting everyone down but they will be worried about you, not pissed off.

I remember going back to work the day after my mc and I was no use to anyone. I found keeping busy helped me which is why I went into work. I ended up taking some work home with me and done it if I needed my mind taken off things. Is this something you could do? Take some stuff to do over the week?

Thoughts are with you

The worst thing about being a teacher is how guilty you feel when you need to take time off.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I hope you know it's not because of anything you did. You didn't have a miscarriage because you were upset.

Thank you all so much. I really am so grateful for you taking the time to reply.

I wrote this before reading the thread on practicalities for mc. I had no idea at all how bad it could get. I don't know that I imagined - a bad period I think. I'm really scared now.

I realise how little people talk about miscarriage. I know people who have miscarried but knew nothing of the weeks of bleeding and the physical toll. I completely get the emotional side but was clueless about how even an early pregnancy mc is a massive physical endurance.

You stay off for as long as you need to. School will cope and your well being comes first. Sorry for your loss x

I'm a teacher and a HoD. We recently had a member of the department who unfortunately suffered a miscarriage. I can reassure you that my primary concern was for her and her wellbeing. I told her to take as long as she needed. Yes, teaching is a job in which it is difficult to take any type of time off without feeling guilty. However, it is that, a job and sometimes you have to put yourself first. We all rallied round and taught her GCSE classes ourselves with some timetable.

I am so sorry you are going through this but you should come first not school.

Sorry to hear your sad news OP.

I'm not a teacher but do have a job where taking time off has big implications and I always feel terribly guilty if I take time off.

I had a MC last year and took 3 weeks off - first week was whilst waiting for the ERPC and the remaining 2 were just time I needed to process things. The hospital actually automatically gave me a sick not for those 2 weeks so seems like a 'standard' time.

As another poster said, take as much time as you need, at this point you're the most important.

I also found that people sometimes struggled with what to say to me afterwards so please use MN if you find the same, talking to others who have been through it really helped me x

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Hessy

I have no practical advice to give regards taking time off a teacher but I would say please try and put yourself first at the moment as you need to take time to heal both physically and emotionally.

I have also just had a miscarriage. On Wednesday I went to my 12 week scan and discovered that baby had no heartbeat. I went by myself as I thought it would be routine, I had no pain or bleeding and so didn't suspect for a moment that baby wasn't alive. Instead I was a little worried about the possibility of there being twins or the risk of downs [I am 40] but felt these were issues I could cope with... However the sonographer saying immediately that she was so sorry but there was no blood flow or heartbeat was just not something I was prepared for Baby measured just over 11 weeks and sonographer said they died sometime over the past week... you do start to drive yourself crazy trying to think what caused it... was it going to the gym, the glass of Pimms I had at that bbq, etc, etc. However all medical professionals said it was very unlikely to be anything I had or hadn't done, more likely to be a chromosomal abnormality and nature took it's course. Doesn't make it any less difficult of course...

Hessy, I have been posting on the miscarriage board and have got such kind and supportive advice there. I truly think they have kept me sane over the past couple of days.

Had ERPC yesterday and feel okay... might this be a possibility for you, just so you are able to manage the situation in practical terms rather than wait for nature to take it's course? However this is a very personal decision and if you're not ready to take that step then you must listen to yourself.

Hessy, take care of yourself and just take it easy over the next week or so. I think that your head teacher will have to find a way to manage in your absence [and I'm sure they will]. You need rest and time to recuperate, that is the priority now.

Hugs

Hi Hessy. I'm so sorry you are in this position. I am not a teacher myself but my husband is a head of dept also in a practical subject and even he has taken three days off to be with me this week. I found out on Tues that there was no hb at what should have been 7+2. I phomed my DH after I had the scan in the morning and he came straight home to be with me. He also stayed home the next day because like you I had read the preparing for m/c threads and I was terrified of being alone in case it started. He had yesterday off to come with me for my ERPC. His colleagues were completely understanding and told him to take all the time he needs. You really have to put yourself first in this situation. Having a week off will not be the end of the world for your students or your school. You will be of little use anyway if you are panicking about bleeding etx. Not to mention the emotions that come with m/c that can hit you at any time.

Have you considered ERPC as opposed to natural m/c? As nutcracker said you have to make a decision that is right for you. I found that having a definite end date for the physical side helped me a lot. The not knowing where or when a natural m/c would occur frightened me more than the thought of surgery. I also understand that some people need to do it naturally to see it happen for themselves. It's a rubbish choice to have to make but know that you are not alone and there are many people on here who will 'hold your hand' and support you. X

I had to have over a month off following mmc at 12 weeks. Yes I felt guilty for those i was letting down at work. But this was your baby and you have to grieve that loss :(

As others have said you must look after yourself. I have always been such a workaholic. In a second my life turned upside down and my only priority was me and my family.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and please just think about what's best for you right now.

Hi, I am a teacher and found out at what would have been 11 weeks that my baby had died at 7 weeks (3/4 months ago). Very similar to your situation. I needed three weeks off mentally and physically. I eventually had an ERPC 2 weeks in.

I am a primary teacher, so a little different, but you need to look after yourself. Take the time you need. Your school should get suitable cover for what your pupils need at this time. It isn't just down to you that your pupils succeed, especially at a time like this.

You need time to grieve and come to terms with your change in circumstances.

Thinking of you.

I really am so very grateful to you all taking the time to reply. It's been such a great comfort and support today.

And I've barely given work a thought. The way I've felt today there's just no way I'm going in next week - honestly, thank you so much for helping me see sense.

I've lain in bed all day. Mid-morning I had horrendous pains - as bad as labour pains - felt dizzy, sick, and eventually passed a huge clot. Possibly the sack. Lasted about an hour then I slept and felt fine since. I am hopeful I am over the worse but have no plans to leave the house anytime soon just in case.

Thank you all once again xxx

Sorry you are going through this experience - it's horrible.

But try not to let yourself feel guilty - being stressed is not believed to be a trigger for miscarriage. If it was there would be no healthy babies following women having miscarriages as the worry women have in a subsequent pregnancy is right up there (as the pg following mc thread on these pages will testify).

And take as much time off as you need - from an emotional rather than physical point of view.

I had 1 day off when I had a mmc and let nature take its course. And then another 2 days 10 days later when it all got too a bit grizzly and I had to go to hospital. It wasn't anything like enough and I can't understand why I did it. Tell them you won't be in for the week.

Hi Hessy. So sorry you are having to go through this. It's horrid and so unfair. Have you someone close to share your fears and feelings with, who can support you through this in RL?

I am a primary teacher (although not working at the moment as am a SAHM) and I know how stressful it is yet how ones identity can be so tied up in the job. I took a loooong period if sick leave years ago for a reason unrelated to pregnancy/mc and the school and my class coped really well without me. I realised from then on that I had been living to work, not working to live, and I changed my outlook on my job. It quickly became my job, and just a job.

I too had a mc last week. I'd planned to have an ERPC, but nature decided otherwise. I know that I'll be taking it easy for at least another week, and more if I need to ( well as easy as I can with a 14 month old!). You really must call school, put them in the picture and then let the supply teachers and management do what they are paid to do. Your first concern must be yourself, both physically and mentally.

I hope you've had time and chance to get your head round the choices you have now about how to manage the rest of your mc experience. It sounds like you are listening to your body and resting up when you feel you need to, so that's a great start.

I found these boards so helpful mid-mc last week, so don't hesitate to keep reaching out and talking...I've found that really helpful. Hope you do too x Look after yourself x

I am a teacher. I went back too early. I took 5 days off from when I started bleeding and was still wearing pads when I went back. My first day back was out of class and I just sat in front of the computer in my office doing the simplest jobs I could find whilst sobbing on and off all day. The second day was in the classroom and I didn't cope very well. Spent all day clinging on and not wanting to speak to anyone. Hated being there (and I usually love my job, well, the classroom bit) and was snapping at the kids. I ended up running out of school in tears as soon as all the kids were gone and I took another 4 days off. I went back today and coped a lot better. I was no use to anyone the first time I went back and I shouldn't have gone. School have been very supportive. I decided to be honest with them about what was happening as a colleague is pregnant (a few weeks ahead of where I would have been) and I knew that I would find it difficult so wanted staff to be aware.

I'm so sorry for your loss :(

I'm a teacher and I went back too early I think. I miscarried at 12 weeks a year past Easter, right in the middle of the 2 week holidays so I stupidly thought that just that one week off would be enough. It wasn't. I ended up being sent home a few times because I just wasn't coping and that's much harder for people to cover than if they'd known I wasn't going to be in. I felt incredibly guilty about leaving my exam classes to supply teachers so close to their exam, and they were the reason I stupidly kept going in (they couldn't have cared less about their exams though).

Take your time. At least a week off, probably more like 2 or 3. I really do think I would have been much more practical use if I'd taken the time off that I needed.

So sorry for your loss.

I work in a school and have now had a total of 11 days over three separate occasions because I kept trying to go back too early. I miscarried naturally over 5 days at around 6-7 weeks.

Everyone will understand and be supportive. This is a very sad, painful and exhausting experience for you and you deserve as much time as you need to recover.

Best wishes for the future Xx

I can't express enough my huge gratitude to you all for tak

Bloody phone!

For taking the time to reply and give me such love and support.

I emailed work, including the Headteacher, and (of course) they have been incredibly supportive and told me not to give school another thought. Easier said than done but I am grateful for it being said. The Head inferred he'd had personal experience of mc and told me to take as long as I need.

I'm doing well both physically and emotionally. Taken so much from the stories shared on here. Thank you all so very much for sharing xxxx

It amazed me how many people talked to me about their exprrience, at work. More than I could have thought MCd later. I had a lot of understanding and took three weeks leave.

Make sure you have a good few days bed rest. I foubd I felt physically as bad as after a 40wk labour for a week aftrt my mc.