A mixed up bag of emotions, swinging from stiff upper lip I'm fine and holding it together to a nervous whaling wreck with a load of guilt mixed in for good measure.

[davidtennantsmistress]

Today is the day of our d\c, we found out on Tuesday that at 8+3 our darling poplets heart stopped beating, confirmed yesterday in a scan at the epu.

I've opened for the d c today as I know emotionally I can't handle seeing everything coming away again. This is my second mc at this stage the first like this was horrendous. There has also been 3 chem pgs at 5 weeks.

Rationally my brain is thinking it's for the best, if there was something wrong, yesterday's doctor says there would have been a heart at some point so it brings comfort to thing that the angels wanted it back sooner, but likewise I think why did it happen, was it a girl? What if I can't carry girls, I have two boys. I know it's silly but from the off I had a feeling it would be a girl.

Anyhow I feel guilty I'm putting dp through this, for his part is like a mother hen and thinks he's not doing enough, I feel guilty at ds1 -7 knowing, over heard fil congratulating us and he's been so excited. He's crushed there's no baby, I feel so guilty at the self pity I had when I found out sil was expecting 4 months ago, and more so as at 10 weeks she had the exact thing but naturally, was in a bad way emergency d c transfusions the works.

Guilty that a friend who's dd is the same age as ds2 is expecting again and she feels guilty that it's ended this way for us, and that I wouldn't want to see her again.

There's just to much in my head, I know I need to be strong and brave for dp, I wish he never had to go through this, he doesn't deserve this, we have two healthy boys for this I'm greatful, I've upset dp saying that when I had the last cm at this point it was with xh, and within a month he walked out on ds1 and I with some flossy, I lost my home marriage best friend and baby. It was an out loud comment not intended to hurt, but all he keeps saying now is we're in this together I'm not leaving.

Apparently if I can't get a bed in the ward I will be in day surgery where do can't be with me so directly after for 4 hours I will be alone, which I don't want, I want dp with me. But I need to control this as otherwise it may happen in work or the shops or something dp's worry then is if he's in work and can't get to me. I know deep down we are meant to have three children but how many more times can I do this? A chemical pg and now mmc within 4 months is just too much. I feel like I'm going mad.

It's just such a mess. Sorry for rambling and thank you if you managed to get to the end.

Hi dtm I have no helpful advice but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's just so hard isn't it? I am so blessed to have 3 beautiful dcs but a few months ago my 4th was stillborn and since then I mc at 6 weeks. I totally understand the having a head full of thoughts with them going round and all the guilt about so many things. I'm sure you know all this is normal. Not that knowing that helps all that much.
One day at a time, or, particularly today, one hour at a time. You will get through this. You don't have to deal with all of those thoughts and worries and concerns right now.

Im so sorry mistress, you have had an awful time, you have to give yourself time to grieve, let your dp look after you, its sounds like he is really trying to reassure you, hope all goes well today, sending you a hug x

Thank you, I just don't know if I have the strength, and light again, but I must for the little one be strong, smile and keep faith.

Hi DTM I'm so sorry you lost your baby. I have 2 boys, 6 and 3 yrs old, I had one MC between them and then 3 in the last year trying for DC3. It's very hard to hold it together and not upset them more than necessary. I totally identify with your mixed feelings that you feel like you are meant to have three children but it's so hard to put yourself back in the firing line. We have looked into adoption but it doesn't seem like a good option for us at the moment.
Have you had any tests? I'd really push for investigation, even if you don't strictly qualify for the 3-in-a-row (not sure what pattern your MC have followed) particularly genetic testing on the baby. I have heard so much bt about bad luck and chromosome issues, it wasn't until 4th MC was tested and found to be perfect that I investigated the NK cells angle to it all, which turns out to be my problem.
I know it's probably the last thing you want to be thinking about today, but whereas blood tests, scans etc can all wait, if you want the baby tested you need to say so before your surgery.
Hope it all goes smoothly, thinking of you

Thanks baking, I'm home now and alive! What's nk cells? I've had no tests however here as standard they do test what's taken away to see what's what.

Dp is a mother hen off to get me celebrations, I've had drugs, didn't like the woozy drug, but mostly feeling ok with crappy tv cuddled up under the duvet on the sofa.

I've had a bit of a tear, and I'm sure it will hit again soon, but currently being a bit detached and clinical is helping both dp and I to survive, this week has been such a roller coaster.

Thank you for understanding ladies and not judging.

NK cells = natural killer cells. They're a normal part of your immune system, a type of white blood cells, but raised levels can either cause or be a marker for problems in the womb lining that cause recurrent miscarriage. The testing of the baby is well worth doing, if it's a chromosome abnormality at least you know the cause, if it was a normal foetus then you need to think about pursuing a reason for the loss. Standard NHS protocol looks for problems with anatomy, genetics of both parents, thyroid, hormone levels and clotting/anti phospholipid syndrome, but in 50% of recurrent MC no reason found. A proportion of that 50% will have NK issues.
It will take several weeks to get results back so time to regroup and consider your options. Take it easy, glad to hear you are being looked after.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about this, I recognise you from the antenatal thread.
I also miscarried, yesterday, and just got out of hospital at lunchtime today. I am also feeling dazed and confused. So much of that is worry about my dd's who know and are devastated. It just feels so unfair-they were so happy.
I can't offer any advice or anything, just wanted to let you know I'm in the same shitty boat.

Big hugs fairy, so sorry you've gone through this,

I'm just so numb it's not real, I keep waiting for the tears, they're not coming I keep waiting for the bleeding to come, it's not.

I'm not sure if I want to know what's happened or not, if the hk cells are the cause, I'm not sure I'd want to know, my body failed me again. :(

How long do I wait for the bleeding to start I was expecting it to be in full flow. Still the sun has risen, my 7 yo is angry and confused, had overheard fil congratulating us. My two year old has is check up today, likewise his nursery review. So a day of stiff upper lip and sitting in the sofa with my feet up when I can.

I think I must be heartless with no tears. :(

Not heartless. You're in shock and you go into coping mode to get through it.
You don't need to make a decision about testing ( other than tests on the baby) now, you have plenty of time to consider whether you want to go down that road.
Fairy I'm v sorry for your loss too.

I would also think you're in shock dtn. I would imagine it not feeling very real without any bleeding yet. I feel v cut off even with excessive bleeding and a hospital stay to convince me so I can only imagine how surreal your life must feel right now.

Just sending virtual to dtm and fairy. Horrible time. I had ERPC a week ago after 2nd MMC so you have my full sympathy. Hope you are out of hospital soon Fairy. I had a couple of days on the sofa watching old detective programmes after my op.

Thanks forester, I'm sorry you are also going through this.
How are you doing today DTM?
Have you started thinking about starting again? I'm thinking it will feel better to be 'ttc' rather than 'just had a mc'. DH thinks its like a Facebook relationship status. I just feel completely lost and listless and need to look forward to something.

I don't know yesterday we had a family afternoon but I did too much as always, it was good to smile, and dp and I haven't agreed to try but likewise haven't agreed not to were just going day by day, he doesn't want to see me keep going through this.

Yesterday I was keen to carry on and try to see what happens, today I'm just a jabbering mess. The tears have finally come, along with the bleeding.

How are you fairy?

It sounds like I'm much the same as you at the minute DTM.
I keep trying to get on with things and be 'better' but I'm struggling to eat and sleep and fall apart every now and again.
I talked with DH a bit today and have agreed its best to have me on the sick list (for work and home) at least until I stop bleeding. I'm going to feel on edge until then as I only know everything has come away if the bleeding ends in 7 -10 days.
I feel better now I'm allowing myself time to recuperate mentally and physically and I'm 'allowed' to be pathetic.

It is horrid isn't it, and huge hugs to all of us going through it. X

I've had a complete pj day today, only getting up to go to the loo. For me at the mo, the bleeding is the worst bit...it just feels like it falls out as soon as I stand - yuk. I know it's a step towards getting better, but still, yuk.

Managed to get to shops for 30 mins yesterday. In the card shop, a customer same up to me as I was dressed all in black and asked me where the baby shower cards were. Cue a snappy, then tearful Joosie.

Not looking forward to running about after 14month old DD when DH returns to work tomorrow!

Oh Josie you poor thing. I wish I'd stopped on the sofa all day.

Fairy you're not pathetic at all, none of us ladies are.

I'm now thinking what if I never have a dd, or the relationship I have with my mum, my youngest pelted a huge car off of his brothers bed this evening cue me in hysterics poor ds1 scared and asking me to be calm and give him nanna's number and me just a crumbling wreck.

Maybe I'm not ready for work yet.

Group hug, very un mn I know but hugs ladies.