How long until you stopped feeling sad?

[MabelMay]

Hey all - that question is it, really.
I have had two MCs this year - one at 7/8 weeks, naturally - then a MMC at 9 weeks pg - in late July. I was heartbroken. Still am. But I thought I'd be feeling better by now. Everyone else expects me to have moved on - after all, as I keep being told, I already have two lovely healthy boys (aged 5 and 7). But I just feel so sad so much of the time. Sometimes struggle to muster much enthusiasm for anything.

I just wonder, is it only when you managed to get pregnant that you stopped feeling that sadness/loss? Or am I just finding it tougher to get over than most?

thanks.

sorry for your losses - there is no right and wrong. Would it help to think of it in two parts - the physical/hormonal part, and then the emotional part? I found addressing the physical aspects easier as these were more under my control, and the emotions just sorted themselves our over time - no need to rush it

So sorry for your losses.

There is no right way to grieve - people often don't know what to say so say daft stuff to fill the gap. There is no need to 'get over it', you will have to heal which will take time.

If you have 2 DC, you will be busy. How much time have you got for yourself?
If you feel really low, find your sleep/appetite/concentration and your ability to enjoy things you previously enjoyed affected, then it may be worthwhile seeing your GP to figure out whether you might be depressed.
Being depressed is a bit 'more' than 'just' sad - hard to explain, and can affect you physically as well as mentally.

FWIW, I had 4 MMCs (and have 4 DSs) all of which I found easy enough to recover from physically, but I still think back of them a bit whistfully, even now - the first one happened 14 years ago .
Pregnancies after my losses did not make the lost pregnancy any less sad tbh, but maybe put it in perspective a bit?

I hope you feel better soon.

17 years later, and I still think about it from time to time. But then, if I hadn't miscarried, I probably wouldn't have had DD2...

I totally understand what you're saying. Like you, I had a MMC in July at 12 weeks. I have a 6 and a 4 year old. It is 8 weeks since my ERPC and I think about it everyday (frequently). Nobody mentions it anymore and that makes me sad. I thought being back at work would be the answer but It's not. I have little enthusiasm and am preoccupied with becoming pregnant. I never envisaged it being this hard. It is tough and at times quite overwhelming. I wonder when it gets easier?!

To be absolutely truthful I think getting pg again did help me recover. I have had 4 MCs, all heart breaking. Each time I got pg again quite quickly. I have 2 DC now, one after the first MC, then another 3 MCs, then I had my DS.

DS is now nearly 4, so my last MC was 5 years ago. And still I get tearful when I think of it, I think it's a grief that will never completely go. And I sort of don't want it too either, because then it would feel like those babies didn't matter. And they do matter, very much.

I hope you start to recover soon Mabel. Are you going to try again? It's so scary to think of maybe putting yourself through it again, isn't it?

Having woken up crying yet again I was wondering exactly the same thing . It's only been 10 days since my mc started and 5 days since the hopsital confirmed my worst fears, but I just can't see an end to it right now.
I don't have any children, this was my first pg after 2 years of ttc. I am surrounded by pg women and newborns at home (next door) at work and socially. It makes me want to hide from the world .

oh Barking how horrible for you. It must be so much worse when it is your first and you have been trying for so long. like a previous poster said - be kind to yourself. It is okay to hide away, do whatever makes you feel comfortable and forget about what anyone else might think. Sending you a hug.

Barking it is very early days for you and completely normal to be feeling like this. I don't think it really hit me until a week after the event. I had days like that and still do except they are getting less. I had days where I did hide from the world and I think that's what you need to do sometimes. It helped and then when I had a day feeling stronger I'd go out and do something, it may have been the shopping and I probably saw a pg woman or newborn but I felt better able to cope. Be kind to yourself, it is huge what you are going through both physically and emotionally, don't underestimate it.

barking it is very early days, it must all be horribly raw. At that stage, hide, cry, watch DVDs in your jammies, you don't need to be facing the world.
Mabel I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I had a MC 4 years ago then a successful pregnancy. Getting pregnant again made sense of the loss and it was a comfort to realise I wouldn't have had my DS had the MC not happened. I also found the grief lessened significantly after the due date had passed. 3 yrs on I still thought about the baby I lost from time to time, but just a wistful moment rather than overwhelming sadness.
Fast forward a few years and I've lost 3 babies in a year trying for a third child. The second loss is devastating. Easy enough to accept one as bad luck and find the courage to try again as it's such a common experience, much harder after two, and the grief is compounded by each loss, pregnancy is not the healing experience you hoped for. You have all the worry about underlying problems, but nobody is offering any tests.
I have found some comfort in being proactive about finding a cause ( and I now have a diagnosis) and have taken up running which has helped me feel more positive about myself, but I can really identify with you saying you feel the grief is taking over and paralysing you. Sometimes I can't muster any enthusiasm for anything. I think some counselling for anyone in our situation is probably a good idea. We are embarking on TTC again for absolutely, positively certainly the last attempt but I think with either outcome I would benefit from some help to come to terms with it all.
Sending ((hugs))

I don't think you ever stop feeling sad... But you find a way to cope and get on with daily life because, well, you have to. And time really is a great healer.

I remind myself that if I hadn't had two mc, we wouldn't have DD and (possibly) all the other great stuff in our lives. I generally have a "things happen for the best" outlook.

I second the suggestion to look after yourself. It's all so much harder when the wider world doesn't know what has happened, isn't it. I remember going to work to speak at a high profile conference shortly after my first mc, and I really wasn't ready to do so and I should have given myself permission to grieve and recover.

Everyone keeps telling me it'll happen, as if this is all I want and I'll be fine once I get pg again, but they don't seem to understand I'm upset because I just lost something amazing, not because I've lost hope.

families that's exactly it, I was at a wedding last night that was incredibly painful for me anyway due to bumps and babies, but the hard thing was that people didn't know, so I felt like I had to pretend everything was ok when I just wanted to tell everyone why I was falling apart on the inside .

I think families is right - you don't stop feeling sad, but it does become easier to cope with. I found due dates and other milestones very very difficult first time around, but easier as time goes on. (I've had 3 mc, two of which were ectopic, so am now infertile and about to start ivf.) For me, becoming pg again wasn't a cure-all though I can see that a c

... Continuing pregnancy might help.

I find talking about it really helps. I haven't told many people but most who know have their own story about mc or infertility to share, and I take inspiration from the many strong women who keep going despite the sadness. Something else that helped me is to read up on the stages of grief and to try to recognise and name the emotions as they come. Everyone grieves different and at different rates but it helped me to know that it is an experience many share and helped me feel less alone. (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry, Mabel.

I have two children, aged 8 and very nearly 6. I had one mc before the first was born and a further two between the first and second. With those, getting pregnant again, which happened rather quickly each time, certainly helped. Last year, four and a half years after dc2's birth, I got pregnant - not planned but very much wanted - and miscarried again. Then this year mc no. 5. Due to past history I have had investigations; clotting problems have been found and there is likely to also be a genetic issue which very much worsens our odds. The results of that should be reaching us in the next couple of weeks.

The grief of these two mcs, particularly the last, has hit me very hard, tbh. I'm four months on from the last mc and still very definitely grieving, yet, as you also experience, everyone around me expects me to have moved on. The intangibility and invisibility of the loss to others does us no favours. I am also frequently told to be grateful for what I have, which annoys the hell out of me, as it assumes I'm not and also assumes the babies I lost are something easily discountable.

It does get easier, incrementally, but it is not a linear process. I am fortunate enough to be having excellent therapy (for another reason) and talking about the losses has really helped me through the darkest time, so I would second bakingtins' suggestion of counselling.

Hey all who've replied. I'm so so sorry it's taken me so long to respond to all your thoughts and shared experiences. It's been one of those weeks, but I sat down and read it all yesterday and it's just a big comfort to know I'm not alone feeling like this. I have to go and do some work for a couple of hours (I'm in a different time zone from GMT) but when I'm back I'd like to properly respond to all of you and also add thoughts I've been having the last week. Until soon. MM.

mabel I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this .

I had my mc seven months ago, it was a miracle of a baby and I was devastated to lose it. It was four weeks until I was physically and emotionally ready to work again, and even now I feel sad when I remember our baby. As others have said, the sadness remains but life flows along.

I read somewhere that it's actually quite common to suffer from clinical depression after a mc. In hindsight, that was me. The house got a state, I stopped seeing friends, I'd cry all the time.

The miscarriage association is good. I also found this charity great in putting a human voice to loss and in recognising mc for the loss or is. It's also gave me some hope. The services aren't just for people with faith, it's more about recognising the need to say goodbye.

MabelMay I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. I had six miscarriages and still feel sad at times, especially on the due dates and the dates I miscarried, even the first one that was six years ago, but, it's only at times and isn't the overwhelming sadness you feel now. It will always be with you deep down but not at the front of your mind. Somedays it might creep up on you for no obvious reason but let it, it does get easier I promise. We had our happy ending five years after my first miscarriage our DD was born last March. Although I must admit I'm still scared if I we decide to have another one that it will happen again.

for you.

Hi All
I really apologise that I'm not able to namecheck you all - but know that all your messages and sympathy and shared experiences have been read and really appreciated by me.
barking - I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hope you are feeling okay and not forcing yourself to do too much.

I definitely didn't allow myself space or time to process what was happening/grieve whilst MC was happening and in immediate aftermath (DH was working intensely long hours, kids were on holiday I had NO time to myself at all), so I think this is partly a delayed reaction to stuff I didn't have time to process back in July/August. Also, I'm in a new city, in a new country, with none of my usual support network or close friends, so I really felt very alone. These threads help so much.
chocolatefrog - how are you feeling? Everything you say rings so true for me.

I worry that I'm now going to become a bit obsessed with trying to get pregnant again, so yes iwasyoungonce I'm ttc again already (waited one cycle) - I think partly because I feel like if I get PG again then I won't keep feeling sad about what I've lost and have those thoughts: "I'd have a nice bump by now", "I'd be feeling the kicks and wiggles by now" etc etc. Torturing myself. But then IF I were lucky enough to get pregnant, how on earth do you even enjoy those first few months? Isn't every toilet trip fraught with what you might find in your knickers?? Was that your experience or did you just not allow yourself to invest too much emotionally in the early pregnancy stages?
picardy you put it very well when you talked about the intangibility and invisibility of a miscarriage. Most people don't even know - so it's a very lonely thing. Others seem to trivialise it - partly I think they're trying to make ME feel better - but of course it doesn't. That's why these forums are so helpful.

bakingtins thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I'm so sad for you and hope that you have that happy ending soon.

eeyore thanks for the link I'll definitely check it out.

katatonic, families I agree about looking after yourself and giving yourself permission to grieve. Ithink I've foudn that hard. A lot of time I tell myself to get over it and get frustrated with myself when the sadness takes over or when I want to have a little weep.
fizzyfeet and pacific thanks for your advice x
Everyone who suggested counselling - I know it would help - if I still feel horrible in a few weeks I"ll look into it.

Hi Mabel.

Yes, I won't lie, the early months were very difficult, every twinge, every trip to the loo etc.

I didn't tell anyone (except DH) that I was pregnant with DS until I was 16 weeks. By then I had had a couple of scans - but even then I didn't feel "safe" - because one of my MCs happened at 17 weeks.

However, I did eventually relax. Probably about halfway through the pregnancy. And having my DS did take away a lot of the pain. Especially as I knew that my family is now complete, so I wouldn't ever have to go through it all again.

It's such a cliche, but time is a healer. You'll never forget your lost baby - but then, I imagine you don't want to anyway. You will have times when you will cry, even years later. But that heart wrenching, raw grief will subside. I wish you lots of love and luck.