It's like taking a bullet

[PinaColadas]

How am I ever going to cope with this, my SIL is the same number of weeks as I should have been, I found out MMC at 12 weeks. She has put her 20 week scan on Facebook tonight and its absolutely been like taking a bullet. I'm so happy for them and that their pregnancy is all ok, I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy, and its nothing against them at all, but its just so painful because I wish it was me. DH's mum wants to arrange a get together in a few weeks and mentioned they're finding it hard, not seen them since MC apart from briefly. I feel awful feel like what If I'm spoiling the whole experience for them. How do I get thought this, how can I cope? I'm dreading this meeting. I just don't know what to do about the situation. Just don't want to see them but know that's not right.

No advice, just empathy. I've been there. Its hard. It hurts. It doesn't stop hurting, you just get better at dealing with it. So sorry for your loss

I had a mmc with my first. My best friend was pg. I'm afraid I was totally honest and told her I was so pleased she was pg but I couldn't guarantee I could come and coo over her newborn. She is my friend. She understood.
(In the event I was pg by the time her DD arrived. My DS is now 10!)
Do what is right for you. You are grieving. No one can tell you how to handle it. It's crap!

Just feel like one day I'm doing great and then all of a sudden something sets me back. I don't want to see them because it will hurt but the longer we leave it the worse its going to get but feel like I have no choice in not going to this family thing, everyone will know I'm a coward.

Pinacolada I've been there it's horrendous my sil announced her pregnancy and the same day I started to bleed with my 2nd mc I then went on to mc twice more before she had the baby it was the darkest time of my life I think the situation sent me in to depression really. She was also very insensitive she rubbed my face in it the whole time like she enjoyed thinking look what I can. do and you cant, I must admit the scans on fb was the final straw I just hid her from my news feed so I did'nt have to see it maybe you could do that?
You are not a coward you need to think of yourself I thought the same but it's you that is going through it I'm sure people will understand, I eventually plucked up the courage to go fo counselling and it really helped to know that I wasn't being awful for feeling like I did about her and it helped me to realise I needed to think about my feelings not what everyone else will think of me. What I will.say is it gets a lot easier once the baby is here, I dreaded going to see them but when I looked in the crib I felt nothing I realised I didn't want that baby I wanted mine and I struggled with the pregnancy because I'd had it then it was snatched away whereas I'd never experienced the baby bit I hope you understand what I mean, sorry for the long post but I want to let you know you aren't alone and what you feel is normal, I promise you it does get better xx

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

If you really feel you have to go to the family thing (and you really don't, nobody in their right mind would think you're a coward), would it help at all to see your SIL before the big event?
I don't know if the initial fear or shock of seeing her might be at its worst the first time and being surrounded by family when you do it would be overwhelming for anyone. Maybe a relaxed meeting at home, just a cuppa and a chat, maybe a private environment to deal with any tears might make that public meeting a bit easier?

they're finding it hard?? Blimey.
You won't spoil the experience for them, if they are any sort of caring they will probably feel a bit awkward about being around you because they understand their happy situation will cause you pain.
Do you get on with SIL normally? I think PrincessK's suggestion was a good one, to meet her without the pressure of a big family gathering. If she's a friend, be honest, you are pleased for her but it's very hard for you at the moment.
I'm sure it will be easier when your niece or nephew comes along, the reality of a little person screaming and keeping them up all night who will be a part of your wider family is easier to deal with than someone else having the pregnancy experience you feel should have been yours.

My SIL is pregnant with her 3rd child, perfect 2 yr gaps, due date a week apart from what my 4th MC would have been, so I have a pretty good idea how you must feel.

I'm so sorry, its awfully hard.

I have had 4MC and in that time my SIL has had two babies....I have visited each once after the birth with presents and been to both Christenings, but that is all I can cope with, I absolutely can't do the popping round every 5 mins for barbecues, face painting, babies first haircut reveal etc.

At the moment I am getting emotionally blackmailed about the fact that I don't want to do a big family christmas this year- but honestly, I just can't cope.

You are not a coward if you don't go, if it is too much for you then you would be behaving heroically in preserving your own mental health- which is your responsibility- their feelings are not.

I am a bit concerned that they can't see anything except their own pov- frankly who gives a stuff if they are finding it hard- its you who they should be supporting and I think to relate this to you DH is really manipulative of them.

Do whatever you need to do. Those who are supportive will understand. Those who aren't, aren't worth your time.

Your DH needs to buck his ideas up here.

He should be protecting and supporting you.

'That is too much for pinacoladas right now' is all he needs to say, repeatedly. He also should not be relaying any nonsense they are saying about finding it hard to you, but should just be firmly pointing out that everyone else needs to suck it up.

Have them over one at a time, meet them individually in the pub etc if a big get together is too much if they baulk at this it is their problem.

Oh love :( please don't feel you have to go. You would absolutely NOT be a coward. Actually you'd be brave, to stand up for yourself by saying "You know what? This is TOO MUCH for me right now."

You can make it clear to them that it is not personal, that you are happy for them, but right now you need to retreat and nurture yourself and start to heal. There's nothing wrong with that at all. xx

I'm sorry that your family aren't understanding. It sounds as though it needs spelling out which is ridiculous but might help you in the long run.

I’m glad I’m not being awful in feeling this way, like I say, I am happy for them but am finding it really hard to cope with.

I had blocked her newsfeed, but last night DH (not knowing this) told me that she had put her scan pic on otherwise I would have been none the wiser. I probably should have told him I’d done that because he felt bad for telling me, but just thought he was being helpful by warning me. I didn’t want him to know I’d done that really because I didn’t want him to think I was bitter or anything.

It was my MIL who told me that they were struggling with it, this was when I text back after the invite to the gathering saying that I didn’t feel brave enough to go, she has been supportive and said I don’t have to go but DH seems to be upset, said to me last night that he feels like he is drifting from his family because he daren’t speak to them in case I get upset, which I appreciate, but I really don’t know what to say to that, I don’t want people to change how they would speak to her and stuff, feel guilty like I’m ruining this experice for them. If I go people will just feel awkward and feel like they can’t coo over her bump, but if I don’t people will be natural and able to enjoy it. Though I feel I’m probably entitled to go as its for my DH’s birthday that this gathering has come about.

I think you’re right PrincessK and Bakingtins I do need to arrange something, it’s going to be so hard though, the thought of it makes me feel sick!

Don’t normally really see SIL, we don’t really have anything in common, they keep themselves to themselves, I tried to contact her a few months back and she didn’t really say much, I giess she just feel’s awkward. They are kind people so I know they will be thinking about my feelings.

Argh this is just a nightmare, I wish I could just crawl under a rock. We are on a 2WW at the moment and I’m so scared of what the future holds, I don’t know if I could go through this again, you ladies are so brave, anyone who goes through this is, you can’t begin to describe the feeling can you.

Thanks again for the support, just reading all of your posts gives me comfort.

WHOA that was a long freeking post! Sorry

So sorry

Don't go to the meeting. Just don't go.

Having had miscarriages, I know it hurts to see pregnant women :(

Be kind to yourself and do exactly what you need for your happiness. They have their healthy pregnancy to be excited about so you would just be torturing yourself.

I have some similar situations with pregnant friends and I just hope I can enjoy their little ones and be pregnant again before my brave smile wears off.

Take care Xx

Thank you ladies, I think i'm going to arrange to go see her next week, might even take something for the baby. I need to get over this for the sake of everyone, Butterfly86 is spot on in saying its not their baby i'm grieving for it's mine I wanted. Its going to be easier to just get it over with. Now just need to pluck the courage up to go!