How do I tell a friend who's going through her 2nd miscarriage that I'm pregnant?

[Olihan]

I'm really hoping there are some mnetters who have been through this and can offer me some first hand advice.

I have a friend who I met through antenatal classes with our first children who are now 2.5. There's a group of 10 of us altogether and we meet up fairly regularly.

My friend lost her baby at the end of last year at 15 weeks. It had taken her almost a year to get pregnant and she was understandably devastated.

She's now pregnant again (12 weeks) but was taken into hospital on Saturday with very heavy bleeding. A scan yesterday showed that the baby was okay and still looked viable so she just has to wait and see. However, after last time she is obviously feeling very negative and is convinced she will miscarry again.

The dilemma I'm facing is that I am also pregnant with my 3rd baby and my dates are only a day out from hers (I'm 26/12, she's 25/12). I haven't seen her to tell her as she's been working fulltime and I didn't want to announce it in front of the rest of the group knowing that she was having problems conceiving. I also haven't told the rest of our group of friends about my pregnancy as I wanted to tell her privately first so she didn't hear about it secondhand.

I now don't when the best time to tell her would be. I don't want to make the waiting any harder for her by telling her about my pregnancy but equally I don't want to make her recovery from a (god forbid) second miscarriage harder too.

My instinct and a couple of our mutual friends think it's better to tell her now as finding the right time post - miscarriage would be even harder, or even worse, it runs the risk of her finding out through the grapevine. However, another friend thinks it would be better to wait until she's had another scan next week and we have a clearer picture of what's happening.

Is there anyone who's been in my or her situation and can you let me know what you think? I'd really appreciate any advice you have.

poor you

yes I have been in a similar situation to you

Personally I would keep it a secret until the risk of miscarriage was past

Thanks Enid.

I really really want to do the right thing by her and not make a difficult situation worse. I'm going round in circles in my head because I have NO idea what it's like to have a miscarriage or even just bleed in pregnancy.

Hiya,
Just wanted to say that I've been in your friends shoes, a friend from work and I had two children that are the same age and then I had a miscarriage after we both conceived within two days of each other, she got really upset when I miscarried because she hadn't told me she was pregnant yet. To be honest I was too wrapped up in myself to feel much about it. I was just pleased for her. I conceived three weeks after my miscarriage and I had a beautiful healthy baby girl as does she and we're still great friends.
Do take her to one side and tell her but do it as soon as possible and explain that you've been worried about telling her. She's your friend, she's got a lot on her plate but she'll still be pleased for you. also congratulations

Thanks Rosebea, the stupid thing is, I'm feeling really guilty for getting pregnant so easily and having such easy straightforward pregnancies when she's going through all of this. I know she'll be pleased for me, that's the sort of person she is. I'm just very conscious of causing her more heartache IYSWIM.

I've been through this with a few friends. i would tell her before it goes through the grapevine. so if you're telling other people, tell her too. but alone and accept she'll be upset.

i found it really difficult when pregant for the 3rd time, telling a close friend who had 10 rounds of IVF and was desperate for a second child, while i just got pregnant without any problem at all. it's still difficult with her, she's very lovely and generous but I know it makes her unhappy being round families of several children.

Hi Olihan - you do sound like a lovely friend to have I must say. I had a miscarriage in April, similar to your friend I was bleeding heavily for days, a scan found a heart beat, but I miscarried 2 days later.

If a friend had told me she was pregnant whilst I was bleeding and a threatened miscarriage was occurring I'd have thought it bloody insensitive to be honest. Not meaning to be harsh, but that is how I would have felt. After having a M/C you are actually advised to stear clear of babies/baby talk for a while so it's going to upset her, but I think you are best telling her when she knows if she is having a baby or not.

Don't forget, she is your friend and she will be happy for you, but mostly she will be very sad for herself that her hopes and dreams are not happenning just yet.

I have been in a similar situation to your friend...its rough on both of you. My honest thoughts are that if she does miscarry (I hope she doesn't!) she won't be thinking about you or your baby for a while...and if I was her, I'd not want to be contacted specifically to be told, but I would want to be told if we were chatting anyway - or part of a group.

When two of my best friends were pregnant during my third and fourth miscarriages (I was childless, and utterly depressed at the time) the one that handled it best was the one who was honest, and was also able to hear my envy, anger, and pain without taking any of it personally. I didn't want her backing away, that was the last thing I needed - but had no idea how to manage my pain around her - she helped me do it by asking lots of questions, and hearing the answers. She did that each time we spoke, and then I would be able to ask her about her pregnancy and respond with genuine interest. It hurt, but losing my friend would have hurt twice, IYSWIM.

On the other hand, that was a close friend - it would have felt 'wrong' for her to back off or keep quiet. I'd say if you're telling the rest of the group, tell her too (if you see her with the others or happen to talk to her before her scan, don't seek her out specially). Or if she's a close friend, tell her and acknowledge its crap for both of you being in this situation.

I would say tell her when you next see her. Slightly different, but when I was completely devastated after a termination for a lethal chromosonal abnormality in our baby, I met up with a friend a few days later. I really appreciated the fact that she told me she was 12 weeks pregnant rather than pretending otherwise. It is hard when people around you are pregnant, but personally I would still rather be told. I guess it is very personal though-some people may react differently.

I had a miscarriage and my friend who got pg at the same time went on to have a healthy baby

she told me when she told everyone else, after her first scan. It wasn't her fault I miscarried. Of course I was a bit upset, but you haven't done it to make her feel bad. I appreciated that she didn't try to keep it from me. Your friend should be pleased for you even though things are not going too well for her.

and the next time I got pg I had bright red bleeding early in pg and had a bed put aside for me to go miscarry in. But I didn't need it because dd was just fine. It's not over till it's over, as they say in their cliched little way

Thanks, Northerner. I don't think you're being harsh at all. That's why I wanted some mumsnet words of wisdom because I just have no idea how she will be feeling and what the right thing to do is. If the worst happens (and I am praying so hard that it doesn't - she does not deserve it) how long do you think I should leave it before I tell her or is that avery stupid question? There's only a limited amount of time before it'll be obvious to the world and his wife that I'm pregnant and I'm terrified she'll find out through somebody else.

Hi Olihan,

Youve already proved to be a good friend by worrying about this so much.

My SIL found out she was pregnant the same week I m/c at 16 weeks. From my perspective no particular time would have seemed any better or worse for her to tell me. I'm glad it came from her and not anyone else and I know she was gutted to have to tell me.

I was genuinely happy for her and I didn't compare her situation to mine as she is totally different.

I think the best thing you can do is say to her you want to tell her something and you hope it doesn't upset her too much but you wanted her to hear it from you.

having a m/c is a terrible time - it may take her months to get over it - by which point she'll be able to see for herself your expecting. You never know - she might welcome some good news. I'd tell her now to be honest.

hi Olihan,
I had a mc earlier in the year and found it difficult when an aquaintance told me she was pg so I definitely see the problems. I think if she's only a week away from another scan then I would wait till after then. Hopefully she will have good news though I doubt she'll be able to begin to relax till she passes 15 weeks.

what I mean is, she's going to be too preoccupied thinking about miscarrying at the moment to appreciate your news so I don't think you'll achieve anything by telling her now before she miscarries (obviously, really really hope she doesn't). If she knows you're pg and she does mc it will make those first days horrible for her. At least you'll hopefully be able to wait another week or so.

Hi Olihan,

You are clearly a good freind for caring so much about her reaction. I had a similar thing happen with me. I miscarried just as one of my close freinds got pg. In all honesty all talk of her pregnancy hurt like a knife everytime she mentioned it or I saw her as she got bigger. Nothing you can do can take away her pain. She will hurt when she hears your news, although I am sure that like i was for my freind she'll be happy for you, but still it will be painful.

If she is your freind will it really do any harm for you to hold off from saying anything for a short while while she gets through this period of not knowing? Its a small thing to do I think. If (god forbid) she has lost her baby her own greif will be magnified by your news. It depends on the kind of person you feel she is as to when to tell her once she oes know. I'd go with the person who said don't contact her specifically to tell her. And try to do it somewhere where she can excuse her self if she needs to have some space.

I hope she is well and its all a fuss over nothing.

I can see where all 3 of you are coming from - thanks so much for your input. I don't mind when I tell her, I haven't told any of the rest of our mutual friends apart from one so I know at the moment she won't hear it from anyone else. I just want it to cause her as little upset as possible. Tricky, I know in the circumstances

Most of all don't beat yourself up over it. She would want you to be happy and she will be happy for you. If you are as caring as you sounds you should be able to be there for her too when she feels down and doesn't want to talk about new babies.

You sound like a very good freind.

Thanks everyone for all your help.

I've just heard she's been back to hospital this afternoon with another heavy bleed but the baby is still okay on the scan. I have no idea whether that's a positive thing or not. She was told at yesterday's scan that the bleeding wasn't from the baby or from the placenta - is that a good sign or can they really not say?

Any glimmer of hope/words of advice would be appreciated.

I'm sorry Elibean, majormoo and cappucino, I didn't acknowledge you earlier. I think your posts must have appeared as I was replying to Northerner.

Cappucino - you've made me more hopeful, Elibean and majormoo, the point about telling her along with everyone else is a good one - doing it without making a huge point of it. I'll bear that in mind as I was thinking it would be better to tell her quietly on her own but that would mean seeing her specifically to tell her. So, thanks again.

Yes, that does sound good....not from baby or placenta is as good as it can be. I had lots of bleeding with both my successful pregnancies, and none with my four miscarriages - so bleeding can be ok, even normal for some women. But if its really heavy, its going to be worrying - especially with a history of late miscarriage. Fingers crossed for your friend, and best of luck to you - I really do feel for you both. xxx

Just wanted a bit more reassurance from people who have experienced threatened miscarriages but have gone on to have successful pregnancies.

My friend is still bleeding, although not as much. She hasn't mentioned being in any pain and the baby was okay at a scan on tuesday. The docs are still saying the bleeding isn't from baby or placenta but no one has said where it is from. Is this a good sign, or is it really still just a case of taking it day by day?

Hi,
If its any help, I had 'unexplained' bleeding with my first son and he is a healthy happy boy. Really keep my fingers crossed for your friend.

Unfortunately I had to terminate my second pregnancy (a boy) due to a fatal abnormality and during this time a friend (from antenatal classes) told me about her pregnancy in a little card sent to my house. I think she found it easier that way as she could say how sorry she was for our loss and tell me her news. I appreciated it as I could read it without anyone looking at me waiting to see how I would handle the news. After a few moments of heart breaking sadness, I felt really happy for her and felt I could congratulate her properly when I next saw her.

Again, its a personal thing, and I dont think you could do it wrong as you obviously care a lot about it. Good luck and fingers crossed!