Feeling very low after miscarriage

[LittlePolly]

Hi I had a miscarriage nearly two weeks ago and had to have an ERPC. I was almost 12 weeks pregnant, but the hospital said the baby had died about 3-4 weeks earlier. I'm still bleeding quite a bit and not sure if this is normal, but the worst thing is that I just can't stop crying. I'm 37 and it was my first pregnancy and we were so delighted and just taking it for granted that things would be fine. Now I'm desperate to be pregnant again, but really frightened of the possibility of getting 12 weeks down the line and having to go through all this pain again. Finding it hard to talk to friends because most of them have children and have not been through a miscarriage themselves. I can't explain that although I know it wasn't really a baby yet, it (she - we both thought it was going to be a girl) was completely real to us.
In floods of tears right now and wondering when I will ever feel ok again. I know this probably sounds very self indulgent because I know there are lots of other people on this site who have been through much worse, but I just needed a shoulder to cry on.

[twocatsonthebed]

Littlepolly, I'm so sorry - and I completely understand you how feel. I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks almost exactly a year ago when I was 39. It was my first pregnancy too and I did feel absolutely awful too, for quite a long time.

And it was a baby, and of course it was real to you, and you should mourn this loss just as much as any other - so just ignore anyone who says any different.

I was also absolutely desperate to get pregnant again - and did manage it after six months. But don't worry about going through the same thing again- I got referred for an early scan at 7 weeks for exactly those reasons (and some EPUs, especially in London, will let you come in for a reassurance scan whenever you like if you've had a previous miscarriage).

the only thing I would say, is do try to talk to your friends. It's hard at first, but it did really help me (even though my two closest friends were 6 months pregnant at the time). And you'll be surprised how many people have had miscarriages, even though they don't talk about it. I felt as though I had been admitted to some secret club, although one I had no particular desire to join.

You'll find loads of other people in a similar situation, so do keep coming here - I've found mumsnet an incredible support through all of this. And cry as much as you need, and look after yourself. It is hard.

Hope this helps. tcx

[gingernut]

LittlePolly, sorry you're going through this. You're not being self-indulgent, the feelings you describe are perfectly normal and understandable. I had a missed m/c with my first pg and was very down and prone to crying for ages afterwards. If you get pg again, ask for an early scan (I ended up paying for mine but some people manage to get them on the NHS).

It's so hard when you have no one to talk to, but you will find lots of support here.

Thinking of you.

[toadstool]

LittlePolly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a missed mc 6 weeks ago, and had an ERPC - Not much to add to what the others have said. It's normal to cry, to feel rage, to feel ups and downs. I thought I was OK again, but had to leave a staff party today, just to be alone - no other reason. Be kind to yourself, and you will find that other women (and men) who have been through the same bereavements themselves will be completely understanding.

[Tommy]

so sorry you're feeling like this.
I think only women who have miscarriages really understand although nothing anyone can say can help - that's how I felt anyway.
Thinking of you.

[bubble99]

Sorry to hear this.

Keep posting. There's always someone here to listen.

Bubble XX

[LittlePolly]

Thank you all for your kindness - it really does help to know that there are other people who feel the same. I'm so sorry for you though that you have had to go through this too and I send you hugs.

Feeling pretty awful again today. My husband has gone back to work after four weeks at home with me - the first three were holiday to work on the house and start getting things ready for the baby, the last week was compassionate leave after the miscarriage - and I'm feeling totally empty. In such a short time, the baby had become the whole point of our lives and I think it is going to take a long time to refocus.

I'm also regretting having the ERPC. I feel like I was rushed into having it - I thought it meant I wouldn't have lots of bleeding afterwards, but i still am, and it just feels such a brutal and clinical end to something that was so joyful and precious.

[twocatsonthebed]

I'm sorry you're having another bad day. And the sunshine somehow makes it worse - or at least it did for me, when all I wanted to do was go to bed. But it is a bereavement, and it will take a long time to refocus.

Is there anyone at your hospital you can talk to - my EPU had a lovely midwife counsellor who you could ring up and chat to, which I found very helpful as she could talk about the medical side of it as well as the emotional. And other people have found the Miscarriage Association very good

But don't beat yourself up about the EPRC - I don't think there is a good way of miscarrying. I was made to wait a week to make sure there wasn't a problem with the dates (even though I knew) and ended up miscarrying with a ton of heavy bleeding on a pleasure boat on the Thames. And I ended up with some retained material, which meant that it took two months before I had AF, and probably held me back in conceiving again.

[LittlePolly]

Thanks, twocats. You are so right about the sunshine. I've got a puppy downstairs that wants to play in the garden and all I want to do is sit in bed and cry. Poor puppy, not his fault that I'm not Mrs Entertainment at the moment. We've been referred for counselling by our local hospital and we're seeing someone in a couple of weeks which i hope will really help.
Your experience sounds really horrible. Poor you. I guess you are right that there is no good way of miscarrying.
You said your mc happened a year ago and you got pregant again six months later, so unless my maths is even more rubbish than I thought, does that mean you are pg at the mo......? How is it going?

[twocatsonthebed]

No, nothing wrong with your maths at all, I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant and, so far, all seems to be going OK. It's been much harder this time round (or we are simply less naive) and I found it very worrying for most of the first twelve weeks. I had to bully the local hospital to give me an early scan (we'd moved in the interim) as the one thing I didn't think I could bear was walking around thinking I was pregnant again when I wasn't. But even then, I still didn't really believe in it, and still don't sometimes. But there's a lovely pregnancy after miscarriage thread on here, full of people who understand about these worries, and that's really helped me.

The puppy sounds like good therapy, even if not quite today. My 18 year old cat died the month after the miscarriage (it really wasn't a great year, all in all) but I now have the two cats of my name, who have been a great consolation on the down days.

And I do hope the counselling will help - it certainly did for me. And really trashy books and chocolate.

tcx

[LittlePolly]

Oh congrats! I'll be thinking of you and hope all continues to go well.

The puppy IS good therapy - I don't think I would have been dragging myself out of bed at all the last few days if it wasn't for him, and he does make me laugh. I've got two cats too (bit of a tongue twister that), but only one on the bed generally - the other one spends his time seeing off all the other cats within a ten-mile radius!
I'm feeling a little better today - big cry with dh last night which helped both of us I think. Bleeding also seems to have stopped at last - hurrah! Planning to start chocolate and trashy books diet today. But need to try to keep fit and healthy too I think for trying again. thanks for the advice.
Thinking of you all. x

[harrisey]

Littlepolly, just wanted to send you some (((hugs))). I've had 3 m/c (2 before I had dd1, 1 in between ds and dd2) and there are times even now when I wonder 'what if ....'.
Your baby was very very real to you and I know what that is like. My Dad has an orchard where he has planted a tree for every Granchild, and he was so nice about letting us plant 3 patches of snowdrops nder the trees (all my mc were in early spring) in memorial of our lost little ones. Maybe doing something liek this would help you to find a focus for your greif.
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this awful time.

[LittlePolly]

harrisey thanks for your message and your hugs - I was just feeling really cr*p so thought I'd come on here and it has made me cry but feel better too, IYSWIM.
I'm so sorry for your losses - I can't imagine how awful it must be to have gone through this dreadful pain three times - (((hugs))) to you too. The idea about the snowdrops is so lovely. It makes me even more sad to have lost my baby at such a beautiful time of year - she should have been growing with the seasons and would have been born just before Christmas. I think maybe we could plant something like a holly tree to remember her. Really not looking forward to December because I'd let myself dream so much about this being the first Christmas with our baby and what it would be like. I'm so grateful for this site beacuse it is so difficult to talk to anyone else about how much this hurts.