Advice on missed miscarriage

[Tinasan]

Hi all,
I am hoping someone can advise me - one of my closest friends found out at her 12 week scan today that the baby died at 7 weeks. She texted me to let me know (I was one of the few she told she was pregnant) but said she can't talk at the moment. I've texted back of course but I don't know what to say or do for her - I really want to try to comfort her and do the right thing. I'm a bit anxious about calling round as I'm 19 weeks pregnant and I don't know if that will make her feel worse. Does anyone have any advice at all? Also, since she hasn't had any bleeding or anything will she have to have a D&C? I'm really shocked as I thought this was fairly rare but having looked it up on the web today, obviously not.

Thanks in advance
Tinasan

Hi Tinasan. I had a missed m/c last August at 11 weeks and another in March at 6 weeks. From the huge numbers on mumsnet who have been through the same thing, it seems to be very common.

Your friend will be given the option of letting nature take its course or going in for a D&C (ERPC). I chose the op both times because I couldn't stand the bleeding, which went on and on, and the uncertainty of perhaps being at work/ the shops/ away from home when the miscarriage passed. As it was the second time I had most of the loss very suddenly a few days before I was due to go in but they did another scan and there were still retained products so I went in anyway.

There isn't much you can do really. Be there for her and let her talk. I don't think she will have a problem with you being pregnant because you were before she found out she'd lost hers.

Hi Tinasan, I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. I've just had a missed miscarriage myself, at 10 weeks, so it's all horribly fresh to me.

What I needed from people was sympathy, pure and simple. When I told my sister she said 'I'm so sorry' again and again and again. She took it seriously, as the grave and distressing loss that it is. (She's since come up and spent the day with me several times; she's on maternity leave, I've been off work - also wonderful). You wouldn't believe how many people tell you that it's really common, that it's a dud baby (), that they know someone who's had it worse, that we can always have another. I need people to treat it as the death and bereavement it is. As for you being pregnant - I wouldn't try and second-guess her feelings about that, but just try and be there for her.

Hi,
I found this poem and have since sent it to a friend who had a MC at 11 weeks and it is lovely:

"an angel wrote in the book of life my babies date of birth,
Then gently closed the book and whispered "too precious for this earth"

Try to remember the date she was due and send her some flowers and a card to say you are thinking of her on that day, that would mean the world.

Just be a friend, listen and hug her, thats all you can do. x

Echo everything thats been said. Worst thing in the world if people ignore it. Don't really need to say a lot, just be there to hug and listen.
And please try to remember the due date. It will be a painful day for your friend but a hundred times worse if no-one acknowledges it. A simple card with a thinking of you message.

Thanks everyone - you've been really helpful. Littlefrog - I can't believe that dud baby comment that is so nasty. As soon as you find out you're pregnant it's a baby in your eyes isn't it? I will remember my friend's due date and mark if for her - unfortunately though, she was due on Christmas Day so I just hope it doesn't mar that for her for a long time to come.

Thanks again and I wish you all the best in dealing with your own losses.

Tinasan

A friend just came over all the way from Paris to spend the day with me today, and her kindness is something I will remember for always. I don't know your friend's situation, but it has been so good for me to have friends come over since my husband has gone back to work. Could you do that for her? Even if it means a day off work?
The dud baby comment is all the more extraordinary because it was meant to be comforting. And it was my mother who said it... I have tried very hard to see it as supportive, but I do struggle...

Agree with all the comments - just say how sorry you are and let her know she can count on you to be there for her when she needs to talk about it. It took me a few weeks before I needed to talk, I think it can hit you at different times and in different ways and from what I've read from other mumsnetters you can struggle to come to terms with the loss for a long time.

The comment I have hated most is "at least you know now you can get pregnant" as though my lost baby was a trial run . I know people say it as an attempt to comfort and because they don't know what else to say, but I got really sick of hearing it.