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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Work colleague sad news

11 replies

sparkleshine · 13/07/2013 22:33

At work we were informed the other day that our colleague had some awful news at her 20 week scan. It seems their baby isn't developing sufficiently enough to allow the pregnancy to continue. We believe she is having to give birth to her baby sometime this weekend.
Obviously we are all devastated for them and have the greatest sympathy.

We don't know when she will return to work. Would a collection for flowers be appropriate? What do we say when she returns? Better to not mention it unless she does or give hugs and sympathies all round?

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 13/07/2013 22:50

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fengirl1 · 13/07/2013 22:53

Perhaps collect for a voucher they could use to plant a tree or shrub to remember their baby?

fengirl1 · 13/07/2013 22:54

Not sure i worded that the right way, but ykwim.

LunaticFringe · 13/07/2013 22:58

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EeyoreIsh · 13/07/2013 23:01

How sad for your colleague Sad

a card would be appreciated, I'm sure. flowers can be difficult to receive as they die, but I was really touched by the flowers I received when I miscarried. I especially liked the fragrant ones.

In terms of when she returns to work, I imagine it'll be a little while yet. It would be nice if someone asked her how she wants to be treated. I wanted to forget about everything and focus on work, but everyone is different.

Irishmammybread · 13/07/2013 23:03

Hi sparkle ,what sad news, your friend must be devastated .
If you go on the Miscarriage Association website there are some good downloadable leaflets,one is for friends and family, another relates to the workplace and will help you support your colleague.
I found it really helped when people let me know they were thinking of us and acknowledged our loss.I appreciated getting flowers ,cards, text messages , nothing anyone could say would take the pain away but it made me feel supported and less alone to know people cared.
When I went back to work I found it hurtful when some people didn't mention anything and carried on as though nothing had happened,even though I know it may have been with the best of intentions, not wanting to get me upset, or possibly because sometimes people don't know what to say so say nothing. Sometimes there are no words but even just a hug makes a difference.
(My DH on the other hand had recently started a new job before our first miscarriage so didn't tell anyone when it happened, he found it easier not to talk about it or think about it at work.)
The other thing to bear in mind is that after a pregnancy loss the grief goes on and certain dates like the due date will be very difficult for your friend. I found after a period of time a lot of people expected me to be over it. Just letting your friend know you remember and are thinking of her over the coming months will make her feel supported.

sparkleshine · 14/07/2013 00:35

Thanks for your advice and suggestions. I will pass them on at work on Monday give that website a look. I'm sure it will come useful as we try to support her through this.

My only experience is my SIL who miscarried at 6 wks and we all found that emotional so cannot imagine my colleagues pain right now.

We have another colleague who is actually only 1 month ahead of her in her own pregnancy and of course this will be more difficult I'm sure when she returns to know her baby is growing when she won't have her own. So very tough.

Also I'm so sorry for your own losses ladies. Never posted in this section before and reading some posts puts a lot of things into perspective. I find it so brave that you share your stories to help and support others when you have been through it yourself Thanks

OP posts:
FluffyDucky · 14/07/2013 21:10

Hi Sparkle
I returned to work this week just gone after a 15 wk termination, we found out our baby wouldn't survive. TBH I think I would have been uncomfy with too much attention like flowers or a card. I have had quite a few staff come up to me to say sorry for my news and give a wee hug etc.. That has been nice. Some just haven't talked to me (I think they don't know what to say) which I understand but feels weird, most just carried on as normal.
When she comes back she will be building up to it and anxious. I suppose my advise would be don't draw lots of attention to it but chat to her.The fact you want to do something shows you care :)

Nobhead · 15/07/2013 21:03

I miscarried my baby girl at 19 weeks in Feb this year and to say I was devastated would be an understatement. My colleagues sent me flowers and text me to let me know they were thinking of me and that they were sorry. I was really touched and it meant a lot. I returned to work 7 weeks later and nobody really mentioned it apart from one lovely colleague. She gave me a huge hug and still talks to me now about it, she asked me when my due date was and said she knows that day will be difficult for me. Another colleague who issue a week after I would have been came into work last week with her big bump which was difficult and then another colleague brought her baby in on the same day too. I had a wobble and went to the loo for a little private cry. My lovely colleague knew I must have been feeling pretty shit and gave me a hug.
I would have been due this Weds and I am starting to feel pretty sad about it TBH. When your friend returns to work talk to her and ask her if she feels comfortable talking about it, remember her due date, make she's OK when others bring their babies in to work this is when she will probably feel crappy IMO.

2beornot · 16/07/2013 22:43

Definitely mention it. I found it so hurtful that friends of mine didn't even ask if I was ok. And yes she will prob cry but just listen and give her a hug if that's her/your thing.

Oh and flowers always brighten things up.

Helspopje · 17/07/2013 09:31

I had a MMC discovered on 20/40 scan last year and work was as best as could as been hoped for. they gave me as long as i needed and were v supportive. they also let me be sad at times and listened to my fears for the future.

that said, noone remembered the due date. i should've taken it as leave.

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