Don't know what to do!

[Lilimum2be]

Well after 11 weeks of waiting for my 12 week scan letter to come through I have some light brown bleeding...call emergency midwife and am reassured its normal....next day heavier brown bleed call emergency midwife again and wait 2 hours with nothing... Go to a and e... Wait wait and wait! Told to come back for a scan again on Thursday and that morning after a shower a lot of red blood streams from me (tmi) I run to the toilet and a large clot comes out into the bowl my reaction is to reach for it in floods of tears believing the clot is our baby! My boyfriend rushes me to the car and drives me to hospital, bleeding so much and feeling it I can't stop crying. Into the scan we go and on the screen is just grey fuzz!!!! I'm empty, holding my boyfriend I feel so uncontrollably guilty! The drive home was silent I couldn't cry anymore. He has been an angel. I don't want to go back to work, I keep cleaning the flat and myself, doing stupid things, very snappy and quick tempered and just want to try again. My man has now decided he wants to use condoms to prevent hurting me like that again. When will the emptiness fade? Will I ever be normal again? I'm just so empty and heartbroken

[PinaColadas]

I'm so so sorry for your loss, I was 12 weeks too, it was a horrendous experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Here I am almost 4 weeks on and I promise it does get easier every day. Don't feel guilty for crying, just let it out. Take your time going back to work, you're grieving and it's normal to feel how you do. Take care

[phantomhairpuller]

You will feel normal again, it just takes time. I had 2 mc's and an ectopic before I was blessed with my boys.

Keep your chin up

[Bakingtins]

Lili I'm so sorry you lost your baby. It's a horrible thing to go through. It is still very early days for you, everything must feel so raw. I promise you it does get better. Someone said recovering from a miscarriage is like the book "Going on a Bear Hunt" - you can't get over it, you can't get round it, you just have to go through it. I think that's very wise. Let yourself feel all the emotions that come with the grieving process - you lost not just a baby but all the hopes and dreams you had for it and for your new life as a family. I have found it enormously helpful to acknowledge the loss in some way (plant a tree, write a letter or poem, release a balloon, light a candle, choose a piece of memorial jewellery) and it also helps to plan in some treats for yourself as you recover and some positive things for the coming weeks and months.

[Lilimum2be]

Thanks ladies, the idea of a memorial gesture is great. My boyfriend and I are going on a caravan holiday next week and will think of doing something then. The support you have given means so much x