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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

So sad & no-one to talk to.

20 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 30/06/2013 11:50

Am sat in gynae ward at hospital as have had extreme & abnormal bleeding since my periods returned 2 months after after my MMC in Feb. I was admitted yesterday as blood was literally dripping out of me.

I wake up to find a text in my phone from a friend telling me she is pregnant, that's the 7th pg annoumcemt since my MC. I rang DH in floods of tears, just for a friendly ear & he told me I should be happy for my friends & to stop crying as I'm just making myself feel worse.

I have no-one to talk to & I feel so alone & heart broken. I miss my baby so much.

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FattyMcChubster · 30/06/2013 11:54

Im afraid I have no advice but I can offer a hand hold?
Sorry this is so shit for you.
Thanks and try to be kind to yourself.

sugarandspite · 30/06/2013 11:57

I'm so sorry. It's so shit and so unfair that you should be going through such a long and difficult recovery from your loss.

Your DH is wrong. You have every right to feel however you feel. And of course you're not 'over it' yet! You're still going through it!

And I really understand that pang you get when someone else announces a pregnancy. I don't think its rational, its a deep primal emotion - jealousy, anger, grief and fear all mixed up together.

I promise though, it does get better, the sharp edges soften and whilst you won't ever forget the baby you loved, the rawness of the grief subsides and you stop connecting your loss with other pregnancies.

For now, is there someone who loves you who can be with you? Your mum or a friend?
icklemssunshine1 · 30/06/2013 11:58

Thank you. Feeling a bit lost at the moment & there doesn't seem to be anyone to talk to. I understand no-one remembers the miscarriage apart from me but when I try to reach out for help I'm told to "just get over it".

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icklemssunshine1 · 30/06/2013 12:04

Thanks sugar unfortunately there's no-one I can call. My mum is in a care home & we've never really had a mother/daughter relationship as I was a young carer til she was taken into social care. My BF would be at church at the moment but I'll call her later. No-one in my circle of friends has lost a baby & because they see me smile & get in with things they assume I'm okay. MCs run in MILs family but she's of the generation that you just get over it & TTC ASAP. Getting a bit sick of being asked when we're trying again - feel like saying its hard DTD when I'm bleeding so heavily my mattress is soaked :(

So scared that I'll never be able to have another child.

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sugarandspite · 30/06/2013 13:35

Oh ickle (hugs)

Do call your friend, she may not fully understand how you're feeling but I'm sure that knowing you we're scared and in pain she would want to be with you and support you.

Of course you won't be thinking of ttc whilst you're still going through all if this. And presumably all those people with 'helpful' suggestions about trying again have no idea about the reality you're currently going through.

I know my MIL was telling DH that we 'mustn't dwell on it' and we have to sart trying again soon - whilst I was still actively miscarrying! Some people just don't understand or try to be helpful but can't go beyond clichés or tactless comments.

For what it's worth, your chances of another miscarriage is no worse than they were in your first pregnancy (forgive me for assuming this was your first pregnancy). Of course you'll be anxious but really, the likelihood is that you'll have no problems.

I have just had my second mc. (1st at 10wks, second at 12wks) and honestly for me, the second was a lot easier to cope with. I think maybe becasue it wasn't a shock like the first one was and because I understood what was happenning to my body a lot better, I felt more in control. It was still hugely sad of course but a very very different experience.
But I did find it took a good few months from physically recovering from my first mc before the yearning for another baby outweighed the fear of another mc. And you haven't even had chance to physically recover yet!

I do hope you're getting the help you need in the hospital today. Be kind to yourself and try to let those that can, support you x

RainbowConnections · 30/06/2013 17:02

Oh ickle, so sorry. Sounds like you are having a tough time. Sorry your DH wasnt helpful. That must have made you feel lonely. My DH was rubbish when I had first miscarriage and it was so hurtful. I found a lot of help on MN and have posted here whenever feeling bad.
Hearing about pregnancies is difficult. You are not alone in feeling like you do. Do try and talk to your friend and get some support. You will get through this. Sending you a hug. x

Bakingtins · 30/06/2013 17:22

Hi Ickle horrible to be stuck in hospital and to feel this is dragging out for months. I hope you are getting some clarity on what the problem is and some help to resolve it.
Pregnancy announcements are hard to deal with and particularly when you must be feeling vulnerable and low.
I'm sorry your DH is not being more understanding, it's not something you can just pull yourself together and "get over".
Someone posted in the last few days that recovery from a miscarriage is like the book "Going on a bear Hunt" you can't get over it, you can't get under it, you just have to go through it, one step at a time. I thought that was very apt. You are taking steps to get yourself sorted out physically, maybe you also need someone who does understand or at least has been taught to listen non-judgementally (counsellor or similar) to allow you to recover emotionally as well. The hospital may be able to put you in touch with someone locally. My EPU gave me a list of local counsellors last time I was there.

icklemssunshine1 · 30/06/2013 18:12

Thanks for all the words of support.

Sugar the MC was my 2nd pg, I have a 23 month DD which actually adds to the lack of support as everyone keeps telling me to be "thankful for what I have". I am! It doesn't mean I miss the baby I lost any less though.

Rainbow, I thought hearing the first pg announcement was the worst (friend due with twins 10 days after my EDD) but each one has for steadily worse. This afternoon my SIL visited & told me another family member if pg, that's 8 now! Just keep thinking why is it so easy for others? What have I done wrong?

Baking I do think I need to speak to someone. I'm finding I can only speak my mind on MN. I try to talk to DH but he says its just dragging up the past & I'll never get over it if I keep thinking about it.

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Bakingtins · 30/06/2013 19:15

I don't think he's right. If you squash the feelings down then they just resurface at some point down the line. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever you do feel on a given day - there's a process of grieving to be gone through which is different for everyone but will contain many of the same stages and feelings. There is a lot to be said for also having a positive focus, doing nice things and planning positively for the future, so if you are having a good day then don't feel guilty about it, but it's not healthy to suppress the negative feelings when they come up.

icklemssunshine1 · 01/07/2013 06:18

I think that's what I've done. I was so strong at the beginning in the hopes "if I pretend everything okay, it will be" that everyone assumed I bounced back quickly & now the grief is coming out. As soon as I'm out I'm going to my GP to ask for a referral or number to a grief counsellor.

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Quodlibet · 01/07/2013 06:39

Ickle I am sorry you are going through this and I think Baking is right. After my MC I tried very hard to forge ahead as normal and it all caught up with me after a while. You can't predict the grief process, you have to make room for it in your life and allow that it takes a lot out of you. Unfortunately many people don't understand or expect a grief process to follow MC so it is very hard at times. I went to see a therapist after mine - only for 5 sessions - but it made the world of difference. I also had very supportive family who were all telling me to slow down and take time to recover (I didn't really listen). Do be kind to yourself - you need time and space to talk, grieve and recover. I am sorry your DH is not helping as he should.

As well as therapy/counselling, I found a couple of books helpful. One was called 'Unspeakable Losses' (can't remember the author) but she explores the grief feelings around all kinds of pregnancy loss. Both DP and I got a lot from it.

Look after yourself and I promise you won't feel like this forever.

icklemssunshine1 · 01/07/2013 09:56

Thanks for the advice Quod. I think I'll ring the Miscarriage Association & see if they know anyone who they would recommend in my area. Was yours a private referral or did you arrange through GP? Not sure how "good" NHS counsellors are, would ideally want one who specialises in this area. Thanks for the tip on the book too.

Feeling a bit better. Having a scan at 11 although how to go onto maternity - ouch :(

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Carmencarmen · 01/07/2013 18:06

I found no one could say or do the right thing after my mc, I eventually gave strict instructions to my dh as to what he should say or do when I got upset. He didn't mean to be unkind just didn't know what to say and wanted to be strong for me. Everyone said to me how lucky I was to have one already too, not helpful!
Hope you find someone to talk to, talking definitely helps. Hope the bleeding stops soon.

icklemssunshine1 · 01/07/2013 20:18

Thank you Carmen. Bleeding is subsiding. Discovered I have an ovarian cyst which will need surgery to remove. Out of hospital now though. Definitely need some counselling, not sure how much more bad news I can take.

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Quodlibet · 01/07/2013 21:44

Ickle my therapy was private, but I know others who have had very good NHS counselling. I was going to suggest Miscarriage Association, it's a good place to start. I remember being in exactly your shoes - sudden onset of first post-MC period starting very violently all over the kitchen floor, and being in floods of tears.
I'm sorry to hear about your cyst - I imagine it's something they can do keyhole? It really can feel like being kicked when you are down.
Allow yourself to wallow in the misery, if you need to. There is no 'right way' to feel after all you've been through. Take care of yourself and feel free to have a good moan on here until you get yourself a RL outlet.

icklemssunshine1 · 02/07/2013 06:35

Thank you Quod. Yes, apparently it's a minor op but they're hoping it'll shrink before I'm scheduled. Not sure if that's a good thing as I don't think I'm OV properly with it & would rather it was just taken out now.

First thing to do today - arrange a counselling session. I just need to rant at someone who doesn't judge. When I try to talk to DH he tells me to "stay positive" & I know it's because he hates seeing me upset but sometimes I just want to sit & cry, no questions asked.

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cluxy · 02/07/2013 10:41

Ickle, so sorry to hear of your loss, and you definitely need someone to talk to - I felt the same as you, that I couldn't even talk to DH about it all. The hospital put me in in touch with a local charity that offer pregnancy/miscarriage/abortion counselling, and they were absolutely brilliant. I've just looked on their website, and they have a link to a national website, Care Confidential and they can put you in touch with a local pregnancy crisis centre near to you - might be worth a look and giving them a ring if they're near you.
Hope this helps x

icklemssunshine1 · 02/07/2013 11:04

Cluxy thank you, I'll def take a look.

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Shellywelly1973 · 02/07/2013 11:18

Oh Ickle, my heart goes out to you. Our paths have crossed many times on MN since February. I should be 30 wks pregnant today. I will always be grateful for the advice i recieved from you & other kind mners last February &March.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself time to heal in every respect.

icklemssunshine1 · 02/07/2013 12:05

So sad isn't Shelly? I should be 31 weeks. My DD was born at 36 weeks so I would've been almost at the end of the pg.

How are you doing?

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