How can I help my friend - 9 months and no heartbeat

[marmitelover]

My friend has been told that they can't find a heartbeat. She's c 38 weeks. I don't know all the details as she is out of the country but she did say she'd gone for a check because she wasn't getting as much kicking as she had been.

Is there any way that this is going to have a good outcome? Can it be an error or do I have to brace myself for the worst news and is there anything I could ever do or say that would ease her pain? I've had 2 MCs this year (both under 12 weeks) and was of course devastated but I cannot begin to imagine the trauma of getting so far and hearing the worst - especially as up until recently (high sugar levels) she seems to have been fine.

Just wondered if anyone had any experience of this they would be willing to share?

Unless something has been lost in translation that sounds like pretty terrible news. I would think if they couldn't find a HB with a doppler they'd have put her on a CTG machine or done an ultrasound scan to check.
I've no experience directly of such a late loss - it happened to a friend of mine many years ago and I remember feeling so helpless that I couldn't do anything to make it better. I don't think you can say anything 'helpful' except how sorry you are that it's happened, and do some practical things to help. Flowers, wine, chocolate, offer to cook or to do some childcare? Remember the baby's name if she chooses to give one and the anniversary of the loss. Point her in the direction of SANDS
What a horrible thing to happen.

Thanks Bakingtins. I only got a short message from her and she lives abroad so I'm not sure exactly what has been confirmed to her. They sent her home to be induced tomorrow so I have to assume that they've given her some time to come to terms with what has happened as I would have thought if there was a serious concern, but yet still hope they would have kept her in for monitoring?

As you say - I'm not sure there really is anything I can do other than let her know we're thinking of her. I just cannot imagine how hard her grief is going to be.

Oh dear god, how utterly heartbreaking. I can't see how there will be a good outcome. Your poor friend. Just be there for her in whatever way you can given how far apart you live, that's all you can do. Poor poor lady

Thanks. I'm desperately holding on to the hope that it has all been some horrible mistake, but like you say I just cannot see a good outcome from this. Just wish I was there to be able to give her a hug

Im so sorry for your friend. ...I couldn't read and run.

That's every pregnant woman's worst nightmare. Sadly I dont see how there can be any mistake im afraid with a full term baby, their heart beat would be easily picked up on a doppler. I hope she gets the love and support she'll need in the agonising months ahead.

So very sorry again.

Hi marmite my son was stillborn in September last year, I felt like my world had been destroyed and I didn't want to live, it is the most horrific thing I have ever been through and I am still (almost 9 months later) trying to come to terms with it. A lot of friends have fallen by the wayside, but I am so grateful for the couple of good friends that have stuck around and been supportive. My closest friend sent me a text every day, she didn't expect me to reply and very often I couldn't. I found it hard to speak on the phone but I knew she was there for me. Asking to see pictures of her baby if she takes any will help her to feel that you realise her baby lived and is a huge part of her life, remember the babies name and significant dates (fathers day, due dates Christmas etc etc). Probably most importantly try to be thee when everyone else is gone and expects her to be "over it" this is a very long grieving process and there will be ups and downs for a long time. We have a "Rainbow babies" thread on the conception pages, although it is intended for people who ae trying again after loosing a baby if she feels up to it she can get support from others who have been through what she has through there. I'm sorry I can't do the link thing. The Sands webste is useful for both your friend and for you to understand what she has to go through. Some other countries have Sands support groups, but if there isn't one where she lives the information can be useful nonetheless. I'm so so sorry for her loss, it is utterly heartbreaking.

Hi Marmite, I am so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through.

my son died last year after a very premature birth. And I agree with Star, the friends that meant the most to me were the ones who kept talking. They will say my babies name with me, understand when I get upset or find things hard, talk about him. Most important of all, there will be no set timetable for grief. Take your lead from her, ask her what she needs if you are not sure.

You sound very kind and caring, I am sure she will be grateful to have your support.

Thanks everyone.

My heart goes out to your friend and everyone else who has known this pain, as sadly I know it too. Star and Rainbox have given you great advice. Don't give up on your friend, even if she doesn't want to see you or can't answer you. Always remember her baby as a real and important member of her family, talk about him or her by name, and as time passes keep showing that you have not forgotten him or her. If she goes on to have other children, never suggest that they 'compensate' in any way. Even if she ends up with six living children at home, she should have had seven. I also find it useful not to have people saying things based on what they imagine I must be feeling. People do it because they are trying hard to empathise with you in some way, but it's really impossible to imagine anyone else's unique experience of the life and death of their child, so let her tell her own story when and how she wants to. Just ask her if you aren't sure what's right. I have never minded that, in fact I have always appreciated the opportunity to talk about my son in a way which feels true to our particular family story, because he was a unique individual and deserves to be thought of as such.

It is a very good thing that she has a friend in you, thinking properly about how to help. That in itself shows that you are already doing better than many do when faced with something so devastating. A lot of people just hide, which is very hurtful. I will be thinking of her and her baby.

Reading this thread with interest as a friend of mine has just had a stillborn baby at full term. I am totally struggling with what to say, I would not say i am really close to her so do not want to intrude yet, have just popped a simple card through the door. Thanks for the pointers of what might help further down the line

I'm very sad to hear that this has happened, horseymum. I will be thinking of your friend .

Thank you all for sharing your advice. Sadly, my friend's daughter passed away shortly after I last posted. I think it's right to give her both the space she needs but to let her know we're thinking of her and that we're here should she need. So so totally heartbreaking.