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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Mmc at 16 weeks :-(

7 replies

jnl0612 · 30/05/2013 15:33

Found out last week (16 weeks) that my baby died at approx 14.5 weeks. I'm absolutely devastated.
I had a ERPC as I've had previous sections so they didn't want me to labour.
I can't stop crying, I tried to go back to work to get back to normal and I cried whenever anyone spoke to me.
I just want to be at home with my girls and my husband, the thought of venturing outside makes me panic, I feel like I'm cracking up.

I'd had a bit of bleeding early on in the pregnancy so I'd been scanned about 4 or 5 times so I'd really bonded with this baby, the sonographer said each time the baby was bigger and stronger than before. Then comes the scan next week and nothing Hmm just gutted.
The hospital were vile. Scanned me then put me in a room alone for almost 2 hours, then told me I'd have to wait over a week to have the operation, I managed to go private the day after which was my saving grace.
I think my husband is getting fed up of me breaking down all the time, he doesn't understand that I didn't do my job properly and our baby died whilst I was supposed to be looking after it Hmm I'm gutted. Just wanted to vent a bit I'm sorry

OP posts:
Huffpot · 30/05/2013 15:45

I am so so sorry for your loss.

I had a MMC at the beginning of March. I was 18 weeks and baby had died at 13.5
I had an induced labour.

My experience wasn't positive either and I had to wait over a week from the initial scan to delivery which was horrific.

I understand completley what you are saying about it being your job to protect baby as I felt the same.

It was the most difficult experience I've ever had to go through and my 2 DC got me through it.

It does get easier with time but you still get great wallops of sadness when you least expect it

Huge hugs to you Thanks

Huffpot · 30/05/2013 15:47

And my DP sounds the same as your husband - he just wanted to get it over and done with and move on - its just not that easy is it? Confused

cerysmax · 30/05/2013 15:48

Jnl....everything you have mentioned I have felt.

My baby died at 9+2, so not as old as yours, but all your feelings are completely normal. I can completely empathise when you say you just want to be with DH and DC. I kept mine off school for a day and then they went to their dads for the weekend. We missed them so much and ached for them that when they got home, I kept them off school for another 2 days as could not bear to be apart from them.

My loss was 15 days ago and I am truly sorry you have had such a terrible ordeal. I was 'lucky' in that I had a complete miscarriage. But still having positive HPT and ms...just doesn't seem fair. But, you will feel better every single day.

I haven't cried for 2 days but spoke to my best friend today (first person I have spoken to) and wept buckets. I feel bad that my body let me down and that I was supposed to be looking after our baby but didn't.

I would say that everything you are going through is completely normal and time WILL help. It won't completely heal because you will always remember your baby, but it will help.

I am pretty sure your DH is not fed up with you. He too is probably gutted but men express their feelings in different ways. Try to talk to each other and give each other time, interspersed with hugs. Good luck and sorry for your loss. Words just aren't enough. xx

dk75 · 30/05/2013 16:23

I am so sorry for your losses. I had a MMC a 16 weeks almost 8 weeks ago. Have had a section before but they gave me induced labour but took 4 hrs to deliver baby - then placents wouldn't come out so I had sugery then a blood transfusion. I am devastated like you and for first few weeks tearful whenever anybody spoke to me. i went back back to work too early and they sent me home again for more time off.

It does start to get easier. I even dreaded going into my local chippy and finally braved it this week! People do care too and will only be concerned for you. I am still getting emotional when I see somebody again for the first time since it happened.

Iti s not your fault this happened. Try not to think that you did not do your job properly. I find it easier to think that there was something wrong and this was natures way of dealing with it. Other friends have said maybe there is another baby who is supposed to be with me instead and needs me.

Take care and rest lots with your husband and daughters. You will get through it xx

jnl0612 · 30/05/2013 16:56

I'm glad that I'm not abnormal and there are other people that feel like this. Really sorry about your babies Hmm
I feel like a really need to pull myself together.
I also got sent home from work for more time off, got a holiday coming up next week too, really don't want to go but they girls will love it.
My husband is convinced its what we need and ill be fine afterwards.
Can only give it a go

OP posts:
Bakingtins · 30/05/2013 20:55

You're completely normal. It's a terrible thing to go through and not something that can just be "shaken off". I hope you have a lovely holiday and it may be a welcome distraction, but it's not likely to magically cure your grief and your DH needs to be more realistic about the process of grieving and healing that you need to work through.
I agree with the others it's very unlikely to be your fault, particularly if you've previously carried to term. Even if it is a problem with your body, and not something wrong with the baby, that's not your "fault" is it? Do you lay blame on someone who has kidney failure or chronic colitis? Being angry, usually with yourself, is a natural part of grieving but you also need to have the little voice saying that it's not actually your fault at all.
A week is very early days. Be kind to yourself, arrange some pampering and R+R with your family. Expect to have bad and sad days for some time to come and accept those feelings as normal and right, because you have suffered a loss and you need to gradually come to terms with it. Think about doing something to mark the baby's life, plan some positive things for the coming months to look forward to, and be kind to yourself.
You might want to look at this Miscarriage Association leaflet and see if it's suitable for your partner to help him realise that you are not over-reacting.

WworthMummy · 30/05/2013 22:46

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, it's devastating. Not only the loss of the pregnancy itself but the future you'd started to plan for.

Dk75, sounds like a not disimilar experience! I lost my baby at 16+6 last November; started leaking amniotic fluid, went for a checkup then went into labour that night. Delivered the next morning. Also had placenta accreta so major surgery & massive blood transfusion followed.

I couldn't stop crying over little things for weeks. Chatting to a counsellor was a godsend - I was utterly convinced it was all my fault, I'd let my husband & family down by doing something 'wrong'. She helped me come to terms with that sometimes, it's just really, sh*y, bloody bad luck.

I too went back to work too soon (determined to show everyone I was strong!) & ended up taking longer off! Take the time to be ultra kind to yourself & truly give yourself a break. Don't do stuff if you don't want to do it, be that laundry, seeing friends or going to work.

Also I'd recommend making sure you have a follow up appointment with your consultant - having it all explained to me two months later meant a chance to ask questions in a calmer setting and of about the future and trying again.

Best of luck, best wishes.

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