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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Feeling very sad, it would have been my due date tomorrow

12 replies

cluxy · 28/05/2013 22:09

Just that really - I need to get it off my chest and am really struggling to tell anyone IRL how I'm actually feeling. We lost our baby girl at 19 weeks in the early hours of New Years Day, and it's been such an awful rollercoaster of emotions since then. I feel we made some terrible rash decisions at the time and have been struggling to come to terms with them - I didn't see her when she was born, we let the funeral go ahead without our input or attendance, and we didn't opt for the post mortem so we never got any real answers as to what happened, and now I regret it all - I was in such a state that I don't think we were in the right mind to make those decisions on the spot.

Tonight I have finally managed to open the envelope containing her hand and footprints and seen them for the first time and I was just so shocked at how tiny they were, it's really really upset me, and I'm home alone as DH is at work.

Tomorrow is going to be a very tough day, I was brave enough a few weeks ago to phone the funeral company and the crematorium and found out where they scattered her ashes so my DH has said we can go up and take some flowers tomorrow (not that I'm sure he really wants to come, but at least he is being supportive).

Sorry for rambling on but I do feel better for telling someone at least...

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Bakingtins · 28/05/2013 22:20

Cluxy I'm so sorry. Due dates and anniversaries are very hard. I think your idea of going to visit the crematorium is a good one, it helps to mark the significance of the day.
Don't beat yourself up about decisions in the past, you were in a horrible position and you made the best decision you could in the circumstances. With hindsight I'm sure we would all have made different choices.
Be very kind to each other tomorrow. I hope the day passes peacefully for you. If it helps, I have found the EDD going by is another step towards healing. I hope you find some comfort in taking your daughter some flowers.

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petra27 · 28/05/2013 22:24

I am so sorry for your loss.

I just wrote a long reply and I think it has disappeared, but apologies if two somehow appear from me, but I didn't want this to go unanswered...

I lost my baby boy at 20 weeks and his due date was 1st June so the date is creeping up on me.

It is very hard to live with those decisions isn't it? I think it is all just such an enormous shock to lose one that late that I wasn't in my right mind to make any decisions.

I didn't see our boy when he was born and also didn't opt for an official service or burial and now I wonder if I let him down by not doing so.

The only thing that has helped me cope with these feelings is another MN telling me that I have to accept that I made the decisions that seemed right to me at the time, and that although I might make different ones in hindsight, I have to accept they were right at the time. Somehow this has helped.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Hang in there.

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NappyHappy · 28/05/2013 22:30

Hugs to you Cluxy. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Xxx

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Tomkat79 · 28/05/2013 23:23

Thinking of you tomorrow cluxy x

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racmun · 28/05/2013 23:44

Just mirroring what someone else said, you did what you felt was right at the time, please don't beat yourself up you don't deserve it.

Whenever you are mourning someone you will have the what ifs, buts and maybes and I think that is natural.

You have gone through the most heartbreaking few months and are looking at things from a different perspective, there is no way you could have had that perspective back in January.

I hope it goes ok and I'll be thinking of you

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mikkii · 28/05/2013 23:50

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't have any great wisdom to impart, but wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you. I had a miscarriage and was grateful that I had not had to go through what you have done.

Treasure your hand and foot prints.

Each day is a step towards healing.

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cluxy · 29/05/2013 08:27

Thank you all for your kind words xx

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PicardyThird · 29/05/2013 09:56

Cluxy, I am so very sorry for the loss of your little daughter, and petra, for the loss of your son.

My thoughts are with you both in these painful days, and I hope and wish you can be very kind to yourselves and have others be kind to you.

Much love.

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Bakingtins · 29/05/2013 12:17

Thinking of you today Cluxy

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GaryBuseysTeeth · 29/05/2013 13:16

Sorry for you loss Cluxy.
Hope you've found some beautiful flowers to lay & today passes peacefully. x

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cluxy · 29/05/2013 21:39

Thanks everyone, it's been a really tough emotional day - I actually thought my heart was going to rip in two being at the crematorium but I'm so glad we went, I felt like we could finally say goodbye after all this time.
Maybe it will be easier to move forward after today.

Thanks again for all your support, I'm sure most/all of you on this board have been through this too, and my thoughts are with you all.

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petra27 · 30/05/2013 09:07

Hi Cluxy, I'm really glad to hear that going to the Crematorium brought you so comfort. I hope you find things a bit easier now and wish you every happiness.