3rd pregnancy loss and people are saying the most unhelpful things

[rainbows3]

I am just going through my 2nd miscarriage in less than 9 months and I feel pretty much like crap and I am full of rage. The worst part is that I feel like when I talk to people they just say the most unhelpful things. This is my third pregnancy loss - my first was a ruptured ectopic (2007), a miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks (2012), now a miscarriage at 6 weeks. When I had the ectopic pregnancy I told everyone who asked how I was. This was a brilliant way to find out that most people have no idea what to say when presented by this type of information. Unfortunately there were also lots of people who said things that really hurt. Now I am more careful who I tell but I still don't know how to cope with the unhelpful comments. I really want to tell them to &*%$ off or at least out them for saying things that hurt me but I really don't know how to say anything. And it is not just random people who say things that don't help. For instance, my doctor (who knew we were ttc and that we had even consulted a fertility clinic before conceiving on our own) said "at least we know you can get pregnant." How is this supposed to help! and honestly I don't think it should count as a pregnancy if I only know I am pregnant for 2 week. A successful pregnancy ends with a happy healthy baby otherwise it is a failure and a doctor should have the sense to know this. Then there is my Mom. Usually I would turn to her for support on anything but she is a total failure when it comes to supporting me through my miscarriages. Last time she just kept telling me how she conceived after a miscarriage. This time she just told me that she was "sorry for me but she was also sorry for herself since she wouldn't get another grandchild." NOT helpful! I really need advice, how does one cope with these unhelpful comments? What can I say to people to make them understand? I don't want to just isolate myself but honestly I am feeling more and more like I can't talk to anyone. I don't even think that my husband would be able to understand all the crap going through my mind right now. He is very loving and supportive but he worries about my well being and I think it would scare him to know the thoughts in my head. Anyway, I would love to hear how others have coped with this.

People really can be rubbish can't they. I remember getting everything you've been told after my second mc at 18 weeks. People do it because they don't know how to deal with the situation and instead of just saying how sorry they are and giving you support and a hug this happens.

2 pregnancies in 9 months is rough going! The way that's helped me over the years is thinking that although my baby's were lost at a young age (10 weeks and 18weeks) I was honoured to be able to have them for simply that short time.

It's taken me years to get to this point! Be kind to yourself. Tell your mum her comments aren't helping and you need her support. Nobody knows what's going to happen and how things are going to turn out.

Take each day as it comes. As you've worked out by now somedays are better than others

I found sarcasm helped to relieve my feelings at the time. But probably not always appropriate.

I also found buying a small token, in my case a crystal angel, for each lost baby helped. I have 3, different crystals, slightly different sizes (for each length of pg - 6, 9 and 5w) and they are on my mantelpiece. No one else knows what they signify but they bring me some comfort.

My DH wasn't particularly sensitive or helpful through my 3 MCs, and also said some truly spectacularly crap things, the worst one probably being "So you weren't ever really pregnant then" !! He learnt his mistake.

Sorry for your losses - it is hard to deal with, especially when other people make it more about them (your mother).

The only thing I will offer you that I believe may have helped me to have my DS2 finally is to start taking vit D. Get your levels checked first if you want to, if your GP will do it - but you can buy vit D from a health food shop easily enough, and taking 1000 IU/day won't hurt you at all and could really help. Vit D insufficiency is linked both to infertility and miscarriage, and once I'd got mine up into "normal range", that's when I got pg with DS2 and kept him.
Of course, if you've already taken this step, then this is a useless piece of info and I apologise.

Sorry to hear of your losses. People can be crap.

The thing is, they are saying things that are helpful to some people at some point and at some point someone might hit quite by chance on the one comment that chimes with you.

I'm so sorry Rainbow

I had a MMC discovered at my 12 week scan, had seen heartbeat at 8 weeks so told everyone we were expecting - it was horrible to have to 'un-tell' everyone. I agree with Horry that what comforts one won't comfort another - I have seen many people on this board and others talking about how although the miscarriage was devastating, at least they know they can fall pregnant so some obviously find it comforting.

FWIW the best thing that one friend of mine said was simply "I'm sorry" then immediately logged onto Just Eat and ordered me and DH a take away as she knew we wouldn't eat otherwise - far better than any so-called advice we received!

Definitely find a way to mark the memory of your lost babies, I have a painting which is symbolic to our family, someone on one of the other threads said she has wind chimes in the garden, maybe plant a rose bush? It is tough but you will get through it. Will your dr refer you for testing as you've had 3 miscarriages?

So sorry for your losses rainbow, it really sucks.

I've kinda learnt a lot about people over the last month following their reaction to our MC news. People who I thought would be solid friends have at times hurt me more than aquaintances with their cliches and unhelpful comments. My best friend simply said 'you need to go out and get pissed' and then carried on talking about Herself and the fact that she was annoyed the sun wasn't out and as couldn't get a tan. She's quite lucky I didn't smack her one!

I went back to work on Saturday. It turned out to be quite funny. Colleagues were approaching me treading on eggshells. Some able to speak, others not knowing what to say. One of the guys said 'sorry to hear about the erm, erm erm' I simply looked at him and rather than filling in the blank i waited for him to say 'miscarriage' which eventually came after the 5th erm!

When I came back from my 2nd scan confirming MC my mum was here making the 84th cup of tea as they do. I could hear her talking to DH cliche after cliche. Then I lost it.

I really don't think anyone knows what to say unless they've experienced it. Try not to take comments too personally. It's a crap time and a very personal journey. Keep posting on here because we all know how you feel and understand xx

Thanks for the kind words. I hope I will find the words to tell people that what they say hurts. Luckily right now I am taking some time off work (still haven't figured out how long tho). I just wish that I knew why this happened.

I tried everything to achieve this pregnancy - maca, vit D, baby asprin, progesterone supplements, and a few other supplements I can't even remember. Oh and my DH even had a sperm test - it came back top notch so he was happy. I feel like my body must be broken. Do I have rotten eggs or something!? I am so angry and frustrated right now. Thanks for understanding.

Hi rainbow, sorry for your losses. You've had a terrible time.

At some point I realised just how confused my feelings were, especially in the first days and it made me appreciate how hard it must have been for DH/anyone else to know the right things to say.

A lovely friend told me this week that i gave a very good impression in the first couple of days of being absolutely fine (which I really wasnt) so she thought it best to carry on as normal. She is a caring person, just didnt realise how badly I was coping.

I decided that i wouldnt make judgments over things I have found so hurtful over last 3 weeks as its just too emotional a time to think clearly.

I find it less hurtful to think some people are better in a crisis, find it easier to say the right things, rather than think others don't care.

I think its a good idea to try and tell your Mum how certain comments make you feel. And chose which friends are the best ones to be with at this time.

I hope this isnt too long winded but its something I struggled with too. Its really unfair and rubbish to have gone through another loss and you have every right to rage.

xx

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. What I found really annoying after MC number 3 was that everyone became obsessed with testing, as if I was a problem that could be fixed. I didn't want to be tested, I wanted to have a normal pregnancy.

Hope you begin to feel better soon.

Hi Rainbow. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I honestly think it is very hard for people to understand at all unless they've been through it. really it is so crap that the only thing that helps is for people to acknowledge what a shitty thing it is and to say they are sorry. The rest is just them trying to find a positive when there aren't any.
I think some of the things people say have some truth " you can get pregnant" "it's nature's way" "maybe you can find out why this is happening" but none of them are helpful in the first shock and grief of it all. You need to find any positives for yourself as part of a process of grieving and healing.

I agree. Early on, if I told people, it is because I wanted the agony acknowledged. I wanted people to say "how dreadful; isn't life shitty sometimes", that kind of thing, because it really was.

It was only later on, months later, that I was able to talk about it with any kind of logic or future planning.

Hi girls ive had 2 miscarriages and I have a healthy 3 year old ds. My last miscarriage was 9 weeks ago . My gran has no tact at all with saying the wrong thing 2 days after mc my ds was having a tantrum she said to me how would I cope with 2 when I can't cope with one child and saying thank god she didn't loose any of her children as she would of killed herself !!!! Really what I wanted to hear oh and plan a baby for next summer that's a better month

Sorry everyone for your losses xxxx

I'm so sorry rainbow. Each loss in unique and individual to you, each time the emotions that you feel and the process will be different. I'm currently recovering after my 1st MC last week, and even though family, and one set of close friends know, and a few colleagues (two of which who have also experienced MC), and just dont know how I going to cope. I know clichés exist but all i can say is do what feels right for you, and keep getting support that makes you feel better.

Rainbows I am very sorry for your loss. I have also had 3 MCs. I have started telling everyone. Why? Because the reason I think people don't know what to say is because for something that happens to so many women, so few people talk about it. And a lot of people have been through it - some who I assumed would be tactless (or even said things I thought were tactless - I have been told 'what do you know' by someone when sadly I know all too well because what comforted me did not comfort them) has been through it. I agree 100% with what Horry said. Often they are trying to help but what would help them won't help you.

And my consultant is the most tactless guy (English isn't his 1st language and he's very logical) ... he says things which are medically hopeful "most women in your situation are much older" which make me feel a freak - but what he's trying to say is "you have time to have tests etc'" it just comes out wrong. He's great medically. I think it might be a 'doctor thing'!

Take good care- vitamins are vital in the months after multiple loss (like you I had several one after the other) - I think vit D has been mentioned, also Vit B complex and Vit C, and iron.

...sorry a good example is jollyb and me. She finds talk of testing unhelpful ... I find anyone saying "oh well just try again" or "why won't you just try before your tests?" unhelpful. My fear of trying again and maybe having some condition and going through another MC is massive - and when people say to me (meaning 'you've still got a 50%+ chance') to just go for it I find it very upsetting. Whereas as JollyB explained she's coming from the opposite side.

In such horrible circumstances, there is sometimes nothing 'right' that can be said.

I wish the english language was better. I hated hearing "I am sorry" when I had my ectopic pregnancy. You say sorry when you accidentally bump into someone on the metro, why would an ectopic pregnancy qualify for the same response. The one thing that I did find helped was people who seemed to understand how crappy I felt.

My miscarriage was only confirmed last Thursday and honestly right now I can't really process much but an acknowledgement that what I am going through is really ^&*% does give me some comfort.

That's what happened to me

My Doctor said the exact same thing - at least I got pregnant. I wanted to scream.

But in a way he is right

Early mc is very common. 2 are apparently not unusual. After 3 they refer you for genetic Counselling since it is chromosomal problems mainly that cause them. That doesn't make us feel better but it gives hope.

Watch your iron level now. I lost so much blood I had to have ferritin infusions to recover.

There is nothing to say I found. Nothing that made me feel better. Only time. And DH driving us to the mountains to change my mind.

I am now 7 months pregnant. It happened 2 1-2 months after the last mc.

Keep hoping. Get your iron levels checked. Take the vitamins. Try and relax ( ha easier said ). Take time to mourn and don't let people dismiss it as not a real pregnancy.

Sorry- have to pick up on this "After 3 they refer you for genetic Counselling since it is chromosomal problems mainly that cause them." Chromasomal problems are actually pretty rare and by no means the only thing they test for, accounting for only 5% of recurrent miscarriages. There are a variety of causes which they test you for. Many of which are treatable - and many women actually have nothing wrong, just terrible terrible bad luck.

The Miscarriage Association have great information on the causes of recurrent miscarriages and testing.

...chromasomal issues with the parents, I mean. 'One off' trisomy problems are more common, but only affect that miscarriage not future attempts.

There is a very good MN thread on recurrent miscarriage testing and beyond, too.

Hi I had a very similar pregnancy loss 2 ectopics and a miscarriage in a year. The last time I allowed my feelings to flow which made me feel much better and meant people new exactly how I felt at the time. Which threw people but if they said how r u doing they knew how i was really feeling. I also found a great therapist whose sofa I raged on about the situation or people's naff comments, or sobbed curled up in a ball. It stopped me pushing the people closest away.