coping with seeing my pregnant sister

[EeyoreIsh]

I lost my baby in February. It was a really longed for baby, after two years ttc. i'm due to start ivf in a few weeks.

I'm seeing my sister tmw, she got pregnant about 8 weeks before me. She managed to get pregnant with dc3 in her second month of trying. It's not been an easy pregnancy for her, but things are going well for her at the moment.

I've seen her twice after the miscarriage. I just about coped, but she can be a little bit thoughtless about what she says.

I'm being silly in getting upset at the thought of seeing her and her bump, I know. But I'm worried about not being able to cope without crying. (we are the type of family that never gets upset in front of each other.)

sending un mumsnetty hugs ((((eyoreIsh))). I think you should cry in front of her if you need to.

I'm really sorry to hear your story. But don't be too hard on your sister unless you know she's deliberately trying to hurt you. I didn't know but my younger sister had difficulty conceiving - and had to go through my pregnancies listening to my mother's constant updates. And I used her favourite names - without knowing in my defence - as well. Fortunately she went on to have two lovely children and is very happy. I wish you the same outcome.

Thanks both, I appreciate the thoughts.

my sister isn't deliberately nasty, she just speaks without thinking. As I do sometimes! I can't cry as it's my mum's birthday, I shall be all stiff upper lipped!

If she makes you need to cry, then cry. Might make her a little less "thoughtless" in future. If she can't appreciate this is hard for you she must have skin like a rhino.
I hope your IVF has a very happy outcome - all the best.

Can you take her aside before hand and say something like "Look I am still really upset, it makes me cry when people talk about birth etc' I can't help it... I appreciate you'll want to talk baby stuff can you do it while I'm not right in the conversation?" - If she's just a bit thoughtless perhaps this will help her not put her foot in it! I have had similar with mates, they were understanding - one even postponed a weekend visit till her latest DS is "off the boob" (she is the opposite to me... lovely lady can't help her fecundness ... loads of textbook PGs, pops them out in 6 hours flat etc' - her DH is saying no more, with my dark humour I once asked if they could swap our insides one day, everyone would be happy then)- she and my sis discussed it and gently asked if I would prefer that which was kind.

What helped me after my miscarriage holding my new DN (who was born the day I had the miscarriage - fabulous reminder of that horrible day for me in our family forever now) was to think the baby I was missing wasn't this child, as lovely as DN is, I don't want that baby, I want my baby, that's the one I'm missing.

so the world can carry on having hundreds of babies, but the one I want is the one I lost.

I am now pregnant again, but this baby hasn't replaced the one I lost, I still was grieving that baby.

The way I've been looking at it is I never want other people to experience what I went through (although sadly they will) and I can't begrudge anyone else their happiness. It's not that I wish they hadn't got a healthy baby or weren't pregnant its just that I wish it was the same for me too.

I actually enjoyed cuddling my friends newborn the week after my miscarriage. Although it did make me feel very sad it reminded me of what a lovely thing I'm working towards.

((Hugs))

It will get easier I promise.

Fluff Yes I am the same as you. Although I get a feeling on 'why me, life is not fair' it isn't focussed on any parents or babies/bumps, it's more of a general idea. I tend to become a downer/worrier more than anything to pregnant people!! Treat them like a Victorian "Don't stand up/breathe too hard/do anything/here let me check the ingredients...

Sadly on some parts of the internet (never here or the Miscarriage Association) I have been made to feel like I'm not "sad enough" because I am not actually angry with other women (I'm always aware that when I feel jealous, that is my psychology and other women aren't 'rubbing my face in it' ... it makes me terribly sorry for women who are in so much pain they don't get it, birth is celebrated and that's OK, that's how it should be, it's sad for us but the reason EVERY culture is happy about is is that every baby means someone has beaten the risks of miscarriage or infertility!).

So what I do is I am totally open, but careful to explain to preggers ladies "It's me not you, I've had MCs and no kids yet, I can find baby talk upsetting" ... usually results in a hug and often a disclosure e.g. "Oh how sad, I had 2 MC before this one and he's here on aspirin..." which is more of a comfort than the hug (selfish me!) for obvious reasons.