MC at 6 wks. DH says no more kids.

[goldenlight]

Hi. I just wanted to share our situation because I really don't know how to resolve it and I was wondering if there was anyone else out there who has been through/is going through a similar situation.

I am fortunate enough to have 3 wonderful DC and a husband I completely adore. Our two eldest children are close in age (8 and 6) and we have a little one who is nearly 1. After no 3 was born we discussed whether we wanted any more. I said that I did, as with a considerable age gap between DC2 and DC3 I felt that a 4th would make a lovely companion for DC3 growing up. DH was unsure but didnt want to make any decisions yet.

Then two months ago we unexpectedly discovered we were expecting no4. It was a lot sooner than either of us would have planned, but once we found out, although I was nervous about how I would manage with 2 DCs at school and 2 DCs under 2, I was delighted at the idea of having the little ones growing up so close together. I began to visualise us as a family of 6 and somehow it seemed to me we would be complete. My DH was shocked at first but he told me not to worry and that we would manage - he rolled off a list of all the ways this child would be a blessing to us. Then at 6 weeks pregnant, just as we had started to get used to the idea of 4 DCs, I miscarried. This was my 3rd miscarriage, but what got me through the heartache of the previous two (both happened before our 2 elder children) was the prospect of TTC again. This time however, my DH has told me that he doesn't want to give me false hope, that he strongly feels he would like to stop at 3.

I'm devastated. I would have been disappointed enough at this news but now that I came so close to having 4, I worry that I will always feel there is a gap in the family, like someone is missing. What makes it even harder is that I know rationally that I should be grateful for the family I have, and I really am. Just this MC has made DHs decision very much more painful for me. Throughout our relationship my DH has been the one to turn to and has helped me tremendously through my previous MCs. Now I feel I cant discuss my grief with him as I worry that he will feel pressured by guilt to change his mind, but I'm also scared that if he were to truly understand my pain and still not want to TTC, I will feel somewhat resentful. He is a wonderful, very sensitive man and I know he loves me very much so I really don't want this to come between us. We have always prided ourselves on our ability to talk things through and compromise, but this time we seem to be poles apart and no matter what we do, one of us will not be happy. What should I do?

There is no possibility of compromise on this decision, and if either partner decides x is enough you really can't force the situation where you have another even if he was coming round to the idea. How old are you? Is it something you can let lie for the moment and come back to later? It must still be pretty raw for both of you.
I really feel for you, I think for most people trying again is an important part of recovery from MC and it would be very tough to stop after a failed pregnancy and not always sense the gap. I hope you can talk him round at some point in the future.

Hi, I am not sure I can help in one sense, but I do understand how you are feeling.

I have three children. I had an early miscarriage before my last child. Then when my last child was a few months old I had another miscarriage. At that stage my children were age 6, 5 and 1. My dh had initially wanted to stop at two children, but loved number 3 and was ok with trying.

But that stopped after a couple more miscarriages. It was hard trying to persuade him of my feelings that our youngest needed a playmate, like his older siblings. I just felt that we should have four children, we had said we would before we got married.

I found that my dh took my miscarriages harder than I thought. It was not so much the grief for the miscarriage, although there was a little tiny bit of that, it was more what it was doing to me. He hated seeing me upset and did not want me to go though it again.

We did however go through it again, and again.... After 12 miscarriages (11 after the last child), I realised that the age-gap had become too big, that the idea of a playmate for my youngest was no longer a possibility, it would be another child for me to have a round number of children, no a benefit of close playmates. I had to let go of the dream of a fourth. It was a long slow process, one of which I still struggle with at times even now. My youngest is now 5 years old and even if I got pregnant next month they would be 6 years old before the baby would be born. There is a gap in my family, someone missing at the dinner table, but I am now happier with my three and can look at the advantages it brings rather than all the negatives.

As a word of encouragement, my three now play together wonderfully, something I never thought would happen. They also pair off to play, but I don't have the problem of one feeling left out all the time as I feared would happen. I love seeing them all play together, they are growing up closer than I ever dared dream.

I hope, truely hope that your dh comes around to the idea of a fourth for your family and that you get your family of six as you hope. But if you don't then I just want to say I understand where you are at.