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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

to talk or not to talk?

15 replies

emsyorkie · 04/04/2013 17:05

I found out i was pregnant at 3 weeks. The type of job i am in we have to tell management as soon as we find out. I then had heavy bleeding and got taken for a scan to be told that everything was ok. Went for a scan 2 weeks later, i was told that there was no heart beat. I was absolutely distraught and wasnt coping with things. I couldnt decided if i should have ERPC or try doing naturally. After waiting 3 weeks the hospital advised me to have a ERPC. I am now 9 days post ERPC and my emotions are still everywhere. I have decided to tell people at work as im on reduced hours and to stop gossip. I have had a couple of remarks from people saying that i shouldnt be telling people etc...i just wondered what people on here think. Personally i need to talk about it as its not a dirty secret i have and im grieving =(

OP posts:

SherbetVodka · 04/04/2013 17:12

So sorry that this has happened to you OP.

Why on earth shouldn't you tell people?? You've been through a traumatic medical procedure and you've suffered a major emotional blow. That is quite a big deal and it's totally understandable (one would have thought!) that you'd want people to know, if only so they'd know why you're not your normal self at the moment.

Hope most of the people you've told are behaving with a little more empathy than that.

vix206 · 04/04/2013 18:21

Sorry you're going through this. I miscarried last week. I definitely think you should talk, that's what you feel like doing so there's no reason not to. Take care x

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/04/2013 18:27

If you are ready to be back at work (and if you aren't, that's what sick leave is for) but you are still suffering, and people are noticing and gossiping about you (how pathetic they are) then of course you should say "Actually I had a pretty traumatic mc and it is taking a while to get over it".

Their response to that should be "oh I'm so sorry" and no further speculation or discussion behind your back.

Anyone that says "ooh I didn't want to know that" needs to have a word with themselves.

I hope you do recover soon and have a better pregnancy experience in future. A hand to hold in the meantime - it is shitty and will never go away but you do get better at it.

Bakingtins · 04/04/2013 20:02

Ems I'm so sorry you lost your baby. Of course you should tell people if you want to, both so they understand why you are struggling at the moment and because it is nothing to be ashamed of. Many women say until it happens to them they have no idea how common an experience of pregnancy loss is, because it is all swept under the carpet and it's not until someone is brave enough to say "it happened to me" that the others share their stories. I hope your news is being received with sympathy by most of your workmates and they will cut you some slack whilst you come to terms with the loss. If you need a more understanding audience to "talk" to, there is always someone on here. Some of the feelings a miscarriage throws up are difficult to deal with unless you've been through it yourself.

NotSpartacus · 04/04/2013 20:10

I haven't talked about mine (to anyone except my DH and one colleague who is now pregnant so I really can't bang on about it). Four months on and I suddenly feel very sad, so maybe I should have talked more.

Do what feels right, and you can always talk to me.

HorryIsUpduffed · 04/04/2013 20:16

For what it's worth, it was months before I could talk calmly about having mc at all, let alone any physical or emotional explanation. And it was only after a year or more that it didn't actively upset me to do so.

As a general rule I think it is important to talk about mc so that people know how common and upsetting it is. That doesn't however put any onus on a woman who is still recovering from being some kind of official truth teller.

MrsJohnDeere · 04/04/2013 20:48

So sorry you are going through this.

Fwiw I found it helped a lot to tell people, then you don't have to pretend everything is ok. I'm the sort of person who normally keeps things to myself (hadnt told anyone I was pg before I miscarried). What surprised and helped me was to discover just how many of my friends had actually been through the same and I had no idea at all (one had even had the same consultant do their ERPC so we compared experiences).

Original poster

emsyorkie · 04/04/2013 22:46

ah thank you all SO much for your kind words! i think it should be talked about.

It has helped to talk to my closest friends at work, i also kept the pregnancy to myself. It should say i found out when i was 8 weeks pregnant not 3.

I just hope the people who have had their negative opinions never ever have to go through what we have gone or going through.
Each day i feel i am getting stronger but then something will knock me back a few steps.

I stumbled across this website today and i wish i had found it months ago...just to know you arent alone has helped me so much today.
i just hope that anyone who has pain and heart ache like i do has someone they can talk too.... xx

OP posts:

PoppySeedBun · 12/04/2013 10:07

Hi ems - thanks for this thread. I had ERPC on Wednesday, and so far have only told parents and parents-in-law about it. Work know I was having a minor operation, but no more than that. Just debating whether I should tell someone I am close to at work more about it or not: tricky, because although we are close, I'm also her manager.
I don't feel much like talking at the moment - except have talked a lot with DH. But not sure how I'll feel in the next few weeks. I'm not sure it has really hit me properly yet.

Original poster

emsyorkie · 14/04/2013 18:42

Hi Poppyseedbun...
Im so sorry that you going through this.
personally i found that i had to talk about it. I'm glad people know at work now, because when im feeling low or just not myself they are understanding.
If you are close to this person and you want to tell them i think you should.
The one thing i have found while going through this is that it's more common than you think, and the few people that i know who have been through this said that they wish they has been more open about it.
the best advise the nurse gave me is "nothing is right or wrong you just have to do whats right for you!"
i really hope that you find the strength and the shoulder to lean on when you need it.
all the love and understanding in the world xx

OP posts:

wattingerofdoom · 15/04/2013 16:35

I had a miscarriage a month ago, and I have found it helpful to tell people, but agree that it really is what feels right for you. A couple of people close to me find their own miscarriages too painful to talk about so have only told a few people. For the first couple of days after mine, I didn't mention it when I saw people I knew, but it just felt a bit wrong not saying anything. So I'm just coming out with it when asked "How's things?". It has been helping, being able to talk with friends and not just DH, who is as upset as me about the whole thing and doesn't necessarily always want to talk about it when I do.

I have also found that there are so many people I know that have been through the same thing but I never knew until I mentioned my miscarriage, as has DH.

It has also made me think twice about the whole not telling anyone before the 12 week scan thing. Should I ever get pregnant again, I think I will just tell people when I find out. I think I would much rather tell people when I have happy news and deal with any sad news if and when it happens, than have to say well I was pregnant but now I'm not.

Lots of love to everyone on here, and sorry that you're going through this.

Martha81 · 16/04/2013 12:22

I had a miscarriage over the weekend, which was confirmed yesterday with a scan. It was our first pregnancy, and we were about 10 weeks. I had told a few people at work that I was pregnant as I was very tired and some of my job is quite physical. I've told those people about the miscarriage, and they've been great.

Yesterday, I thought I'd get over this very quickly, but today, now that the physical symptoms are easing, I'm feeling much more sad than I'd expected. I thought I'd be back at work today or tomorrow, but my brain is still feeling very fuzzy and I can imagine being quite teary.

I'm finding that it helps to talk to people, and I'm looking forward to finding someone I know who's had a MC - actually my mum, step mum and mother in law all had one, but it's a very long time ago for them!

My husband is fantastic, as are all the people that I've told. I'm just hoping I can get back to work quickly, and feel better!

It's good to know from this site that there are so many other people going through the same thing, but sorry so many people are sad!

EeyoreIsh · 16/04/2013 12:29

ems and Martha, so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

it's up to you who to tell. and it's really not anyone else's business why you were off sick. I personally couldn't bear to tell work colleagues, because I didn't want them to know my personal business, and because I'm about to go through ivf and I didn't want them to know that either.

But it's your decision and what works for you. If I had had my mc when I worked in a previous team I would have shared. But this lot are a bunch of misogynistic guys!

Don't feel bad about taking time off. I ended up having a month of because I bled heavily for that long. I know someone who had longer off, and someone else who rushed back.

hugs x

dk75 · 18/04/2013 15:22

I had a missed miscarriage 2 weeks ago at 16+6. Ended up needing surgery following medical management as placenta would not come out Am absolutely devastated at moment and to make it worse I was already really big, had to wear a different uniform at work and all of our customers had started to notice I was pregnant. I now have no choice about telling people and am finding it really hard to face people. I bumped into somebody the other day who just looked at my stomach with a confused look on her face which set me off into floods of tears.

Luckily many people now know what has happened as I have asked people to spread the word so that when I do go back to work I don't have to tell people that I am no longer pregnant. Am at uni studying for a masters too and supposed to have exams over the next 3 weeks so have now had to defer them until August/September - which luckily uni made really easy for me. Typically though the resit period includes the week we are away at Butlins!

The worst thing for me though was having to tell me 6 year old daughter that she isn't going to be a big sister in September. When she went back to school on Tuesday one of her teachers asked if mummy's tummy is getting really big now too. She is great though and coping really well but when she told me I was in floods of tears again!

bonzo77 · 18/04/2013 15:37

Sorry for your losses.

I told everyone. Everyone. And they were all at the very least sad for us, and often kind beyond words. I think if you are able to, talking is good. I wish more people did. There would be less stigma.

FWIW I did have a baby within a year of the MC. And I told everyone as soon as I knew I was pregnant.

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