Telling work

[SunsetSongster]

Hello. I found out last Saturday I have had a mmc. I would have been 10 weeks now if it hadn't happened and it looks like it happened about 6 weeks. I have to have another scan on Sunday to confirm I haven't got my dates wrong (I haven't) and I will then hopefully start it being medically managed the same day.

So far I have not told work and have not taken any time off. I had bleeding around 6 weeks and although I was reassured by phone by the EPU that everything was probably ok it had been a big possibility for me that it wasn't so I think I have had longer to come to terms with it. Although I was upset when I had the scan and the next day I haven't been feeling too bad. I work 4 days though and on my day off this week I was more upset than when I had been in work. I think this is one of the reason's I didn't want to stay off as I don't want to stay at home and wallow (not saying there is anything wrong with this - it is probably the more normal reaction).

Anyway, I will definitely need to take at least one day off work next week and was thinking of just calling in sick with a stomach bug or saying I have an unspecified outpatient clinic that I need to attend. Most people in RL seem to think I should be honest with work and take more time off. I am a bit worried about being overlooked if work know I am ttc and I also a bit afraid of dealing with sympathy from my boss (who I think will be really nice about it though possibly a bit embarrassed about having to deal with something so emotional). I also don't know if I should take more than 2 days off. I really don't feel like I need it and feel more disappointed than bereaved. I like to think I am just being very rational about it but am worried I am pushing things away rather than dealing with it. I'm not sure what good being off will do me and I'm worried I will just spend the time feeling anxious and guilty. Thanks.

Hi Sunset I'm sorry you are facing this. I think it's a very personal decision what to do. I've just had 3rd miscarriage. 1st one was very bad physically, I ended up in hospital and was devastated and everyone knew at work. I had a week off and when I returned found it very difficult that everyone was tiptoeing around me. 2nd time I just told my manager, had one day off when other staff were just told I was sick and went back at the end of the same week (I only work part time). I found it easier that nobody I was working with knew so I could just carry on as normal. 3rd time I MC Tuesday, today is the first day I'm due back in and nobody knows. I am thinking of having investigations which may require time off for appointments etc so will prob tell my manager but nobody else.
However, don't underestimate the time you need to physically recover - I've had natural and medical management and you need minimum of 3-4 days to recover physically. Emotionally it's hard to predict, you may feel fine now and it might hit you later. I think you do need time/space to process your feelings at some point, it may be that you've done some of that over this uncertain time leading up to the diagnosis but you can't predict how you'll feel day to day.
Your GP will sign you off for a week or two no problem and can probably put something fairly nonspecific on the form if you don't want anyone to know. Take care of yourself.

I got myself signed off by the doctor for a week when I had an early miscarriage. Physically, I didn't need the time off but I knew I would be all over the place mentally. I told just my immediate boss the real reason (and HR who saw the doctor's note would have known too), for everyone else, I was just unwell and they assumed I'd had a random bug (most people aren't that interested).

Yes, take the time off that you need.

And even though you feel your boss's sympathy would be difficult, I think it might be best to say what is really happening, ask for it to be kept confidential (and agree a cover story eg vomiting bug to use with everyone else), and if she does start being over-sympathetic, thank her for her concern but say that it would help you to recover if it were not mentioned again in the work part of your life.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Everyone is different. There is no right way to deal with this - just do what you need to do. I had an MMC in 2010. When it was confirmed they offered me an ERPC the same day, but I wasn't ready to not be pregnant any more iykwim, so opted for expectant management. Unfortunately a week later nothing had happened so I went ahead with the ERPC. I managed to get the hospital to arrange the procedure for a Friday - I just told my employers I had a hospital appointment - I didn't tell them what it was for. I had the weekend at home with DH, just being together and returned to work on the Monday. I wanted to be back to normal as soon as possible.

When my gp signed me off, she asked if I wanted mc or "gynae problem" put on the form - a boss would probably avoid asking you what it was if you had that!
You've lost your baby though, there is nothing wrong with telling the world if that's what you want to do.
In my own case, a few people at work were told, it did not get round the staff in general I noticed.

Thanks for all the kind replies which I managed to read at work. I told my boss and he was lovely about it (sadly he alluded to the fact he and his wife had first hand experience). I told everyone else I had a non specific outpatient clinic. It did feel like a relief that I didn't have the extra worry of making up an excuse.

I've had an awful migraine all evening and it looks like things are starting naturally now. I think I will take a few days off next week to deal with it all and rest. I just feel so tired - hope tonight isn't too bad. Thanks again.