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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

No one seems to care I'm having a miscarriage

17 replies

Stacey19892008 · 07/03/2013 14:09

Im already a mum of 2 but After trying for a year I finally got pregnant with my 3rd baby, I started bleeding on monday and went for tests that morning and on wednesday morning, i was in work yesterday when I got the call of the EPU to confirm i had lost the baby,I was an emotional wreck and just had to leave, my manager escorted me out of the building and waited with me for my partner to pick me up, all she could say was ill be ok, I have 2 children already,why would I want anymore?, my partner turned up a that point and she waved us bye and said ill see you tomorrow, I was completely gobsmacked how can she expect me to go to work the next day, it's not even been 24hours since i got the dreaded phone call and all I've done it cry and people tell me, it wasn't meant to be, you can have more babies, u should be grateful u have 2 children, get over it,stop crying,pull yourself together,you can try again. I can't believe how hurtful people can be, and this is coming from my family,even my partner of 7 years isn't helping and doesn't understand how I'm feeling, I will never get over it, this was my baby, the baby I tried so hard to conceive, I want the baby I had and no one understands that, my life and family will never be complete and. Just don't know what to do, there's no one. An rely on for a bit of support, even my "no longer" best friend of 18 years has been rubbing her pregnancy in my face since I told her what was going on, she to pregnant deliberately after I told he in January we were struggling to get pregnant, 3 weeks later she announced she was pregnant, I found out a week later I was pregnant and we were due on the same day, she also has 2 children and is on for her 3rd but since Monday she has been phoning me and emailing me asking for advice about her pregnancy, she knows what I'm going thru and yet she's out to spite me, I honestly feel like this is the end of he line for me,there must be something wrong, why did it take me a year to get pregnant in the 1st place and why did the baby not survive, after I have had 2 completely normal pregnancies which were conceived literally over night, just don't know what to do and can't turn t anyone for advice :(

OP posts:
Bakingtins · 07/03/2013 14:40

Stacey, I'm so sorry you've lost your baby, it is just the most devastating news. Most people just haven't any idea how to react to that news and are trying to minimise the loss. Unless you've been there it's hard to understand that it's not just a bunch of cells or a line on a test, it's the hopes and dreams and all that you planned for your larger family. Where are you up to physically? Did the EPU say the MC was completed or do you have decisions to make about what happens next? Either way, get yourself signed off work, you need some time to recover physically and to begin the process of grieving.
If you need clear information about your options, the miscarriage association website is very helpful, if you need people to rant to and somewhere safe to let your feelings out, the board is very helpful.
I lost my third baby on Monday/Tuesday this week, so have both the rawness of the feelings but also the experience that says however bleak it all seems at the moment it will slowly get easier. You won't forget your baby and nor should you, but it will not always be this hard. I also have 2 children, one of whom is a rainbow baby ( conceived after a MC) and hoping for a third. You will find you are far from alone in this and sounds like you need some new friends

thistlelicker · 07/03/2013 14:48

Holding your hand x

GinAndSlimlinePlease · 07/03/2013 14:55

Oh Stacey, how shit for you. I'm miscarrying my first baby now, and I can imagine the upset is the same regardless whether you already have dc.

Give yourself time to grieve. ignore the other comments.


Stacey19892008 · 07/03/2013 15:23

Thank you for the messages and im sorry for your losses, i never knew MC was so common until it happened to me,i started bleeding monday and they tested my blood which was at hcg level 580 then re testested on wednesday and they had dropped to 93 I'm not sure what happens next EPU advised me to go back next Wednesday, not sure what they will do, not looking forward to the visit either as the EPU and scan room, midwife centre and delivery suite is all in the same building, and I'm sure to see expectant mothers cooing over there scan pictures and new baby's, work are also sympathetic I had Monday and Tuesday off but they were hassling me to return on Wednesday, I was only there 2 hours and came home, I just can bring myself to go back, everyone in work knows my situation it was awful in Wednesday, everyone tip toeing around me, I work in a hotel and gossip flys around that place, I just know I have to go back tomorrow, I have 7 voice mails of my manager, and numerous emails, I just wish they would leave me alone

OP posts:
icklemssunshine1 · 07/03/2013 15:26

It's heartbreaking isn't it? It's been 2 wks since I learned my baby stopped growing & 1 wk since my ERPC. I also feel friends & family think I've had my time to grieve & should just move on, especially as normally I'm such a resilient person. I just want to scream "I'm struggling!" I even shouted at DH last night asking him how he's feel going to the toilet & seeing blood knowing that was once a baby. Cruel I know, but I'm fed up of him keep telling me to be strong for DD's sake. Ironically it's my 12 wk pregnant friend who's e been the most supportive. She's due 10 days after what would have been my EDD. I feel a little better than when I got up this morning, I planted a flower in the miscarriage association's forget-me-not meadow & had a good cry. The MA has a really good website. There's a leaflet on there which you could give to friends & family that explains what you're going through.

Big hugs.

Mama1980 · 07/03/2013 15:28

I care and I'm so very very sorry for your loss.
((Holds hand))

KarenHL · 07/03/2013 15:38

Couldn't read & run.

I've had miscarriages myself, and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Often there is no logic to it at all - by which I mean past history doesn't always make a difference, & it's not something you could have prevented.

You will get a lot of stupid, tactless and seemingly downright nasty responses from people. The majority of those though, will be because people just don't know what to say in this situation - so they blurt the first thing that comes to them (mouth engaging before brain, unfortunately). If someone is being malicious, try not to be around them at the moment - don't read emails/texts etc. All it will do is make you more upset, and that is not fair on you (or helpful).

I agree with the other posters it would be wise to contact your GP and get signed off work. You need time to grieve, to think - and to not have to deal with idiots. If you sit down and talk to your DP, will he understand where you're coming from? My DH doesn't always get my pov, but is quite good at listening (sometimes!) which tends to help him understand my feelings.

We had a stillbirth as well a while back, and in some ways it was harder for DH - he had to go back to work asap and deal with people (& when you're not in the mood for exchanging meaningless chatter, that's hard), whereas I could hide at home on the days I didn't feel up to talking to people.

Chubfuddler · 07/03/2013 15:45

I care and I am very very sorry this has happened to you. I had 2 mcs in between the births of my two children and I know exactly how you are feeling. Older women can be peculiarly unsympathetic, they were under enormous pressure to keep pregnancies under wraps until a much later stage than we do now and were trained by societal pressures to feel that mcs are "nature's way" and all that guff. Your partner is to ably just a bit at sea - I'm sure he's upset too.

You will feel better one day but I'm sure that feels a long way off right now. Be kind to yourself.

MechanicalTheatre · 07/03/2013 15:47

So sorry OP x

PinkGirlsMummy · 07/03/2013 15:47

I dont have any advice just that I am experiencing the same this week and also would have been my DC3 and it is horrible. I just want to sleep, feel very numb and empty. Most people dont have a clue...

Bakingtins · 07/03/2013 15:51

Stacey when you go back to EPU they will probably scan you (usually a vaginal scan) to make sure the miscarriage is complete. If not, then you will be given the options of waiting longer or medical or surgical management. More on these choices here I'd ask your GP to be signed off at least until you know what is happening after that appointment. Pregnancy related sick leave can't be counted against you at work.
The leaflet for well meaning but tactless friends is here but I agree with Karen that anyone who is being malicious rather than just not knowing what to say then cut them out at least for the moment. You have enough shit to deal with.

bumpertobumper · 07/03/2013 16:19

Big Hugs!
So sorry to hear about your loss. I had my second MC a couple of months ago, lost what I was hoping would be DC3. I was apart (on holiday) from DP at the time, and he too found it hard to know how to react to me, and express his emotions about it.
I got so frustrated with everyone telling me that I would be ok, time will help etc. I knew that, but wanted to be allowed to be upset, feel the emotions and grieve in the moment... not pull my self together and put on a brave face. And as for the 'wasn't meant to be' type crap that people say trying to be consoling - f**k off, doesnt' help. But they mostly mean well. Your 'friend' sounds toxic, dump her.
I am sorry to hear that work are being hard on you - you should be entitled to not just sick leave but also compassionate leave.
Be kind to yourself, and yes it is a lonely place - but you are not alone Brew

FierceBadIggi · 07/03/2013 16:24

If you haven't already, go to GP and get signed off for a week. (Or more) to give yourself some space to deal with this.

Tallyra · 07/03/2013 16:33

We care!!!
I'm sorry that I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to give you my support.

I hate the fact that no-one realises how common it is until it happens to them. There should be something to help people realise this before it happens if it's so common. It's hidden in the background and no-one talks about it. I have had 3 x erpc for mmcs. I have started telling people on fb about it because I refuse to let it make me feel ashamed. I basically tell them I have had another mc and ask for their support if they can give it. It's amazing how many people are supportive and have hidden the fact that they have also mcd.

PinkGirlsMummy · 07/03/2013 16:42

Tallyra's comments above are so true. As well as all the other horrible feelings a sense of the unknown and feeling so alone in RL is an added stress when actually MC is so common but never talked about

bexbrown90 · 08/03/2013 19:10

Hi I'm so sorry for your loss your story sounds so similar to mine. I have two children already aged 2 and 3. I found out I was pregnant and was excited about having something to look forward to. I told my partner the news and straight away he told me he didn't want the baby and that I need to have an abortion! I refused! This was a baby I was looking forward to so much and loved so much talking to them every night before I went to bed. I went to the 12 weeks scan excited looking forward to my little bean making there first appearance when'll was told the baby had no heartbeat and I had a missed miscarriage I wanted the world to collapse around me. I have one friend that is there for me and supporting me but when I told my parter he couldn't have been happier. I then went into hospital for the surgery and when they found out I already had two children they wern't rude at all just making it aware that I already have two children and I should be greatful then try again later on it didn't seem to comfort much and now I feel I have lost a child. It's horrible. My parter doesn't understand at all so I am going to have to wait for him to go out while the other two are in bed so I can light a candle In memory of the little one x
Anyway I just wanted to post and say your not alone. :) we can be strong and we have to stay strong for all 3 of our children. Xx

Forester · 08/03/2013 20:32

I'm very sorry for those of you who aren't getting the support you need or deserve. I had MMC last week (I didn't even know there was such a thing until it happened) and although a very difficult time I've had support from DH, family and close friends and was able to take a week off work (I didn't give the real reason). I hope that you can find people around you who can support you.

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