Feeling very low after second miscarriage

[Mapal]

I have recently had my second miscarriage and I'm worried about how I'm dealing with it. I was very down after my first one (just over a year ago), especially when we had trouble conceiving again afterwards. Last year was just awful to be honest. And now I'm facing it all again, starting my second year in a row having just miscarried, and I don't know how to deal with it.
I currently cannot stop thinking about driving my car into a wall. I am visualising doing it, the impact when I hit the wall. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, I don't want to die but I feel desperate for a 'way out'. I'm definitely not thinking rationally, my thoughts are scaring me. I am not good at saying this out loud, I wouldn't even know how to start if I went to my GP. My DH knows I'm feeling low but I don't think he realises the scale of it. I just don't want to face up to the year ahead, of not being pregnant anymore. If I think about it I just want to cover my ears and scream lalalalalala. So I'm trying to not think about it, but then a thought creeps in and I almost panic in my haste to push it back down again. The emotional pain takes my breath away.
Does this make ANY sense?! I am feeling totally mental but I know on the surface I seem OK to people.
If I went to my GP how would I even begin to explain and what could he do anyway? How do I get over this?

Hi there,
I can totally relate to how you're feeling. I had a miscarriage in October and it pretty much killed me to be honest. I thought I was feeling better until the past week where I have just sat and cried a lot. I sometimes feel like just screaming at the top of my lungs just as a way to release my anger and stress! And with the driving into a wall thing, totally get where your coming from with that too, not that u want to die but that maybe its just that thought of escapism, a way to stop u feeling so bad even just for a second! I do encourage u to go and see your gp though even just as an impartial person to talk to, u may find u can spill your guts to him and feel great afterwards! And then if he suggests any further action u need to take with coping then that's great that u have been offered that help. I really am sorry for your losses, it truly is the worst thing I've ever been through, I don't think things get better coz u never forget I just think the pain and grief become easier to manage. Wishing u the best of luck in the coming months and hoping u start to feel better soon xxx

My heart goes out to you both. Dark times.

Mapal could you ask your GP to be referred for some counselling and is there someone close to you that you can talk to in the meantime? Someone that you can just say anything to and cry with? Take as much time as you need to grieve and get through this. Be kind to yourself and cry and scream if you want to. Time is a great healer.

I am still going through my mc (had the ERPC yesterday) and I keep thinking I'm doing okay and then I'm back at the start again and sobbing my guts out. I can't bear the thought of losing another one in the future. There is a fear of trying again, but I can't help thinking that going through it again is worth the possibility of one day getting a healthy baby at the end of it all.. if that makes sense.

I hope you feel better tomorrow xx

I'm so sorry for all your losses. I had a mc in September and have been on a roller coaster of emotions since. The worst times are when I find out a friend is pg, which happened 2 days ago. I felt like I had been transported back in time to September when everything hurt.

Time is a healer but sadly I think those of us who have had a mc will always view pregnancy differently to those who haven't. We are ttc again but part of me dreads it in case I have another mc. I often think about when would I go public if I did conceive. The idea of saying it out loud seems like a jinx and I'm terrified that I'd say something and then have some more bad news.

I've been having counselling through my EAP which has been really helpful in making me realise that it's normal to feel like this. I was beating myself up about my emotions before I went to see her and now I have some coping strategies that help from day to day.

Sending you lots of hugs and remember that you are not alone in feeling this way. Xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the desperate horrible feeling . I had all together 10 early miscarriages in a row after having my DS 8y . Now we finally have DD 9m through gestational surrogacy. It took us nearly 5y to have her. I don't know honestly how I made through but here we are. I did feel like you describe . I didn't end up ever having counselling just talked to my DH, family, friends etc a lot about it. You do sound like you need to go talk to someone definitely. You will survive and go on and you will get there in the end !

Also I don't think a man can ever truly understand what you go through with a miscarriage .

So sorry for your losses. I've also had two mc, though very early ones, and know a bit of what you're feeling.

I agree with others that you should speak to your GP if you're able to. I've had wonderful care from the NHS across the board - at least where I've been they really see to understand how fragile you are after recurrent miscarriage and the extra support has been fantastic.

Your post sounds as if you're holding a lot in because you don't know how to speak about what you're feeling. As a start, you could use what you've written above. No one you speak to will think it's over the top and it conveys how much you are struggling to cope emotionally.

You also sound very isolated. You've been through a horrible experience, which is unfortunately also quite a common one. You shouldn't feel you have to pull yourself through it alone.

Hi there mapal so sorry for your losses and sorry to everyone else too :-( I totally know how you feel I've had 3 miscarriages in 9 months. After the second one I felt exactly like you do all I could think about was crashing my car I didn't want to die either just wanted to stop the hurt, I was crying all the time I was angry about everything it was an awful dark time and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. The best thing is to talk about it to whoever you can even though they don't truly know how you feel it still helps, I very nearly went to a councillor but by the time I plucked up the courage to ring up I was feeling a bit better so I didn't but I think I should have so maybe you should think about that your hospital should be able to direct you to a miscarriage councillor. Even if you come on here and get things off your chest it will do you more good than bottling it up, there's always somebody to offer advice it's a good place to vent. It does ease a little with time it doesn't go away but gets easier to manage. Sending you hugs take care of yourself and I hope you feel a bit better soon xx

Thanks all so much for your responses. Just being able to voice my feelings and have people empathise helps more than I had anticipated, so thanks.
Interesting that a few can empathise with the car crashing thing, maybe I'm not as nuts as I thought!
I do feel quite isolated and HJBEans - you're right I do not know how to vocalise my feelings in a face to face setting. I have tried in the past but always end up starting with the truth, and then saying something like "oh but it's not so bad, I know I'll get over it"... etc. Not sure why I feel I need to put a positive spin on it when deep down I don't feel that way.
Whiterose - I had not thought of my EAP, my company has one with the option of telephone or face to face counselling I believe so will look into this.