partner not coping with miscarriage?

[toadstool]

Sorry, long one. I found out for sure I'd lost the baby this morning, but my DH's immediate reaction, [OK he had been stuck in the museum all morning with DD (aged 4) excited about mummy going into hospital 'to have the baby' as she'd followed me - at his instigation - into the EPU ward] was to tell her, 'You're part of the problem'. He hasn't stopped shouting at her all day, telling her to stop being so difficult, discussing her demanding behaviour in front of her, etc. (she's upset by my symptoms and wants reassurance). I've kept on giving her hugs, and telling her it's not her fault, that Mummy's tummy wasn't well, etc. but I've had to tell him repeatedly to get off her back!!!. Yesterday he kept blaming me, and I guess it's his way of trying to control his emotions (he seems to have calmed down a bit now the news is sinking in, and tried to blame the GP instead). Don't quite know how to deal iwth this as I am going to lose the baby naturally over the next few days and the last thing I need is to be playing referees between DH and DD (who seems to have accepted what I've told her, but obviously will have lots of questions - this afternoon she said: 'I have no smile in me. I have only a sad smile.' I said it was fine to be sad, and she didn't need to smile, because we were all sad).

Toadstool, I'm so, so sorry. It is so difficult this situation. Men and women generally deal with these things so differently. You will probably find that you are both dealing/greiveing at different rates as well - he may find it hard to say the 'right' words and I guess emotions are all over the place at the moment.

When I lost my baby last November at 25 wks, it was the most shocking thing that had ever happened to us, but DH didn't let it affect him. He carried on being strong for the both of us and for our 4 yr old. I was devestated that he didn't seem to care, but it's only now that he's admitting that he was in denial. This is what I mean about you grieving at diff rates.

I felt so incredibly alone when he was dealing with it so well.

If I were you, if you have the strength (and to be honest it sounds like you do - you are being very positive, pragmatic and brave) sit him down and be honest - tell him you just can't deal with his emotions at the moment. Yes this is somethign you have to go through together, albeit differently and at diff rates - but the bottom line is that it is your body that this is happening to - he may never understand the size/depth/sadness of what's happened - as it's a biological thing happening to you - nobody has the link with the baby like you do. You have to ask him to go easy on your DD because it's not fair on her or on you. You must not shoulder all the responsibility.

You will find a groove which you can both sort of fit into to deal with this and you will probably end up helping each other in diff ways at diff times.

I'm so sorry if i've rambled and it sounds a load of nonsense.

Take lots of care of yourself, put yourself first and go with how you want to feel - some days you may feel fine (don't feel guilty about that) other days you may want to hide.

I'm going to stop rambling now. Sorry .

Toadstool, I wanted to reply to your sad post to let you know that we're here for you to talk, so very sad that you've lost your baby and I think you're being so brave trying to keep yourself together for the sake of your little daughter. I really hope that your dh can find the strength to help you at this very sad time for all of you - it sounds like he's very angry that this has happened to your little family, some men find it very hard to put their feelings into words. I hope for your sake that he can be strong for you, can you talk to his mother or his family about how he's treating your dd?

Hi, many thanks to you both. My DH hasn't got a mother any more, and our little family is very much his main source of emotional support, so I think it's part of his distress (he's used to supporting and helping others, and hates to be unable to do anything). I did have a word with him last night (thank you desperatehousewife), and he was easier on DD. Also we had to go into the EPU today so I asked him his advice re. my options, so he feels completely involved, and knows what I'm going through physically. That helps, too, as i think men can feel completely pushed out while still having to go through the bereavement. Thanks again, X

Oh toadstool, I am so very sorry for your loss. Men are funny things, they react in different ways, and often when they're worried or trying to hide thier feelings they mask it with either anger or an i couldn't care less attitude.
Your DH will be trying to deal with this himself, and carry on as normal. I would make him sit down and talk about it, or even sit and tell him how you're feeling and maybe it will encourage him to do the same.
he needs to grieve and cry and get it out of his system.
It is very unfair of him to take it out on you and your dd, but that may be his onyl way of dealing with it. he is probably hating himself for treating you both like that, but thinks that it is better than falling to pieces. I hope he comes to terms with it soon, and lets his emotions out.