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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

other people's good news

11 replies

yorkiebilb · 27/12/2012 16:10

Hey, just wondered if anyone has any advice or suggestions for how to deal with other people's pregnancy announcements?

I had a mmc and a erpc 3 weeks ago and since then 3 people have texted to tell me that they are pregnant, two who are close friends. I feel a right cow cos I cancelled meeting up with one last week cos I didn't know how I could face being really excited for her. My other friend has literally just texted to tell me her news and I burst into tears when I read it. I thought I was handling things okay. I'm meant to be meeting up with her in a few weeks.

I'm not sure if I can cope with another announcement. I feel like I'm being really selfish as my friends are lovely and deserve a much better response from me.

OP posts:

SuperSesame · 27/12/2012 16:21

Hi, I'm sorry you've had a rough time. I've been going through the same recently and have 2 friends newly pregnant.
Have you told them about your losses?
I've told my friend and it has helped.
It helps them to be more understanding and also I'm the type of person who deals with things better when it's out in the open. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.
They will also have worries about the pregnancies so may be the best people to understand what you went though. Although be sensitive too and allow time to celebrate their news.
I didn't feel jealous as such as they are not having my baby, they are having their own babies. If that makes sense.
It's a tough time so take care of yourself anddo share if it will help you

SuperSesame · 27/12/2012 16:22

Sorry about typos. My screen is smashed so can barely read what I'm typing!

Jollyb · 27/12/2012 16:24

Hi there don't beat yourself up too much about this - your reaction is entirely normal following a recent MC. You will find that it gets slightly easier with time and at some point you will be able to talk to your friends about their pregnancies. Do any of them know about your MC? If they are close friends it might be helpful to let them know so hopefully they can be sensitive to your feelings.

Hope you feel a bit better soon

DontmindifIdo · 27/12/2012 16:30

It gets easier. The trick is to think about them deserving their good news. Have you told anyone about your miscarriage? You might find that helps.

carovioletfizz · 27/12/2012 16:41

Am so sorry for your loss.xx

It is so hard, I had a mc a few years ago at 7 weeks and although I already had dcs I was devastated. A few pregnancy announcements followed my mc and I found it very difficult and dreaded going onto FB or speaking to friends who might be pg. One 'friend' (not a friend any more!) actually called me when she heard my news as she thought it might 'cheer me up' to know she was 12 weeks and due around the same time I would have been. That really lifted my mood as I'm sure you can imagine! Another colleague who was pregnant chose the day I came back to work after my MC (which she knew about) to email the team to announce HER pregnancy news - I was copied in to all the congratulation replies and ended up in tears in the toilet. She later told me after loudly and tactlessly perusing a lunch menu for what she could and couldn't eat that I was lucky as I could eat whatever I wanted now!

How to put this into words - I hope this make sense.What I realised one day though is only YOU can have the thing you want, which is YOUR baby. These other women are pregnant, but you don't want their babies. You want yours, and so in a way they have nothing you could want. Only you can have the thing that you want most, which is your baby. Does that make sense?

I also found it helpful to focus on positive images, such as imagining myself holding my new baby, every time I felt down and despondent about getting pregnant again. It had taken me a while to conceive the baby I miscarried and I was sure it would take me months to conceive again - in actual fact it only took a couple of months, so hopefully you will conceive again soon, which will help a lot. I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself, what you are feeling is totally normal. I'm sure your friends would understand - it would take a saint for someone not to feel sad about other's news, as well as feeling pleased for them. Take care.xx

Original poster

yorkiebilb · 27/12/2012 16:44

Thanks for your lovely responses. I have told a couple of people but not them. I might mention it to my friend when we meet up but I would feel guilty for telling her sad news when she will be so happy with her news.

I think I'm frustrated because I've been surrounded by children the past couple of days and coped fine. My response to the text message today just threw me I guess...

OP posts:

Original poster

yorkiebilb · 27/12/2012 16:48

Caro and Super that makes sense to differentiate between theIrs and mine. Good advice.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 27/12/2012 17:02

It will hit you at odd times. I'm coming up to the due date of the one I lost, I found Christmas hard because I thought I would be heavily pregnant (was due in Jan).

Be kind to yourself. Send a couple of 'congraulations' texts then just be busy for a few weeks until you feel a bit stronger.

harryhausen · 27/12/2012 17:18

Sorry to hear about the bad time your having OP.

Coming at it from a different viewpoint, I told a good friend of mine that I was pregnant over a coffee and she burst into tears. She told me she'd recently had a mc. I was totally unaware, but not for one second was I upset or annoyed that she wasn't happy for ME. We spent the whole time talking about how she felt and how it seemed all around her were falling pregnant & she felt somehow like we were all joining a 'club' she was invited to. I think I even apologised for my news at one point.

The thing is, it was all ok from my point of view. I'm glad she opened up to me. I had my good news, I could totally listen to her heartbreak.

Btw, she now has two dc's. Both great pregnancies and births. It will happen for you x

Original poster

yorkiebilb · 27/12/2012 19:11

Thanks Harry for your thoughts. That was what worried me - telling her my sad news and taking away from her good news.

My friend and I are due to meet up with our other friend in a few weeks and I know the pg is all that will be talked about. Before I would have been giddy with excitement for her but I'm worried a whole afternoon of talking about pg will just send me over the edge at the mo. If i tell her I don't want her to feel she has to change the subject in front of me as she so deserves to celebrate her good news and talk about it as much as she wants. It a tough one to know what the best thing to do is.

OP posts:

harryhausen · 27/12/2012 21:05

Play it by ear. See how you go. Maybe start off by saying how wonderful it is to hear her news etc etc....then if it were me I'd say something like "I just wanted to apologise if my face looks at all sad during our time together but I've recently suffered a mc. I'm ok, but feeling really sad. I totally understand your excitement, as I was too, I just wanted to let you know if I look a bit 'distracted' at times, it's not you - it's because I'm still getting over it".

If she's any friend at all, she'll give you hugs and love a plenty.

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