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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Does it get easier as the "but for" dates go by?

7 replies

resipsa · 19/12/2012 11:02

I feel a little self-absorbed even writing this post as others on here seem in a place far more deserving of some wise words and support but I need to know from those with experience if it does get easier as the important dates go by. I had my DD in January 11 and found out I was pregnant again in February 12 but sadly it wasn't viable and I had an ERPC in March 12. I would have been due on 16 Oct. The date came and went with no-one remembering it save me and DH. I had always assumed that I would be preganant by now but am not and soon will come the anniversaries of the date I found out (14 Feb) and the date of the op (19 March). I still feel so sad about it, much sadder than I thought I would be and am worried that it will cloud what should be a happy time around DD's 2nd birthday. How did others cope and did you find it got easier as the dates came and went?

OP posts:
Bakingtins · 19/12/2012 18:50

Those significant dates do get easier as time passes. I found it helpful to mark the date somehow - light a candle, release a lantern, buy a charity gift etc.
I MC in 2009 and the anniversary and due dates have been easier each time. Sadly I MC again this year so now I have 4 sad days a year to get through. It's right that you remember, because your baby was important.
I hope that you have a healthy pregnancy in 2013.

fatasbrandybutter · 23/12/2012 02:48

Hey res - I feel just the same as you do - I mmc in march this year and it seems almost everyone else is pg who was on MN around that time with similar circumstances so I feel disappointed am not there too - I feel that's made the dates you describe harder to deal with, and by the time March comes round I know I will be thinking about it more than ever Hmm
I am keeping my fx for 2013 and also would like to know how others feel...

bakingtins I'm sorry you have had to go through all of it again, it is so hard Sad

Geekster · 23/12/2012 22:49

Sorry for your loss. I think in some ways it becomes less painful as time passes, but you still remember. Five years ago I had my second miscarriage. We found out at our twelve week scan on 21st Dec that our baby had died. I had to go in on Christmas Eve for a D&C and ended up having to stay in overnight until Christmas Day. I still think about it every year, but for some reason this year it's been quite hard, when last year wasn't and next year might not be. So no you never forget but it becomes a bit less painful.

RubyrooUK · 23/12/2012 23:43

I have taken a slightly different approach from remembering dates with my last miscarriage. I didn't really want to remember any more exact dates associated with my saddest moments of losing babies. So I don't really mark those too much now.

Instead, I did something else. I bought a beautiful item - in my case, for my last loss, a stunning scarf - and whenever I wear it, I think of the baby I lost.

I know this sounds terribly cheesy but I wear the scarf a lot (it's a fucking gorgeous expensive one) and it just feels a little bit like carrying a memory around with me. But not in an awful horrible sad way that means I can't enjoy myself, just in a way where I can physically touch something and remember someone important to me.

I've actually found that much easier than with previous losses, where I sat and cried at home on significant dates.

So that's how I deal with it. Sorry for your loss and I hope you find a way to mark things that works for you.

fatasbrandybutter · 24/12/2012 20:14

That's a idea ruby - I bought some ridiculously comfortable track suit bottoms (expensive ones!) when I knew I was going into hospital and I do remember whenever I wear them, and not in a sad way really as they are so lovely to wear (not sure if that sounds a bit strange Blush)...

fatasbrandybutter · 24/12/2012 20:15

Sorry! Was meant to say that's a lovely idea Shock

RubyrooUK · 24/12/2012 22:27

I agree fats - having something lovely to remind you of someone who you were ready to love is a good feeling, despite the sadness of the situation.

Oh dear, I'm very soppy. I must refrain from Xmas-time posting....Blush

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