Dealing with other people's good news...

[milki]

I had a mmc at 16weeks about 6 weeks ago - last week I got a text from one of my best friends saying that she though she was pregnant, confirmed that indeed she is in a text today. I ignored the first text and just replied 'congrats x' today. I feel shit. I hate it that I don't feel happy for her and hate it that I am not pregnant and sharing the excitement. I have been doing really well, felt very accepting of what has happened, there is nothing I can do about it after all. Now I feel suddenly all vulnerable again and that this week is going to be very hard - I have a follow up consultant appt on Wed so was already feeling like everything has been dredged up again... Is it ok to just ignore best friend? Her DP is also good mates with my DP so it is all really in our face.

Just wish it would all go away! :(

I'm so sorry for your loss, that must have been awful to go through, I'm miscarrying at 8 weeks and am gutted and can't imagine what it must be like happening after you've seen your baby bouncing about on a scan. It will be hard, I think you have to be honest with your friend when you see her and say that although you're pleased for her you're still really struggling to come to terms with your loss and seeing pregnant people and new babies is hard. It sucks, I was struggling talking to a friend this morning who started ttc at the same time as me, and is expecting a baby next month where I've only just recently conceived and have now miscarried (she didn't know I was pg though).

I sympathise. It feels awful, but is completely natural.

The only thing that helped me was when a very forthright friend reminded me that none of the pregnant women I kept encountering was having my baby. There isn't some cosmic "X is pg so Y can't be" going on.

It sounds trite, but it really helped me to separate my loss from their good news.

Hope you're able to be kind to yourself. I'm sorry for your sad loss.

Aw, this is horrid. it isnt your fault you can't feel happy for them.

I lost my little boy at 23 weeks. my step brothers girlfriend had her 20 week scan 2 days after i couldn't of gave a shite if I'm honest and still dont know. I think shes 3 months, that might sound horrid but its the truth.

My step mum dragged my dad carboot shopping with her and my step brother the morning after i lost him him!! Which will probably be why i dont care because they were so thoughtless.

Don't feel bad it does get a little easier excepting others have healthy babies, I've had another mc since then and may be going through one now... I don't get jealous now ive exepted it. You'll always have your bad days, but you will always smile about seeing your beautiful baby on the screen for the first time.

I gave birth to my little boy and i was so happy to meet him when he came out i couldnt cry. I didnt really realise it was real until i went to sleep and woke up a couple of hours later not pregnant cuddled up to him.

I really hope you have support you need, give it time and you should feel back to your normal self and enjoy future pregnancies. Good luck, lovely. X

Thanks for your replies x
I also feel sad that I can't/don't want to talk to my friend about this - she doesn't understand (and I hope she never does). I am just going to ignore it for now - she's going away for Xmas so that will be natural break. It makes me feel lonely, I think it must feel like I lost the baby ages ago to everyone else but it suddenly feels like it was last week again to me.
I think I might also be a bit pre-menstrual, which is also upsetting. I am going to have a bath and go to bed early, today needs to be over tbh. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
At least there is always someone to talk to on here though, feels better getting it out!

I found out today that my friend (I use that term lightly because we haven't spoken for a while after a big falling out) is not only pg, but due on what would have been my EDD. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and feel like a complete bitch at the same time for behaving so selfishly

It is very difficult. I tried to separate my situation from theirs and force myself to be happy for them. if you pretend for long enough it works. I remember watching The Notebook one night and bawling my eyes out from nearly start to finish. it was a great release though.

I've been in both situations - losing babies and being the person lucky enough to be pregnant and have to break it to someone else who had lost babies.

I agree with the sentiment that no-one else can have your baby. My SIL announced she was pregnant just as I was bleeding from mc our one, so I know how hard it can be. But I showed nothing but joy as she had a previous mc, so I was genuinely happy for her too and squashed my jealousy.

I always try, however bad I feel, to treat other people as I would want to be treated in this situation.

So even when it hurt, I said congratulations to pregnant friends and tried to take an interest, comforting myself that this wasn't my baby. In the same way, my friend who recently had two mc kindly enquired after my health recently (I'm pregnant) and I assured her I was fine and then moved onto another topic rather than go on about anything that might hurt her.

Rather than ignore a good friend or be ignored, I'd rather someone said or texted: "Congratulations! I'm so pleased for you. Really thrilled; amazing news. Please understand if I don't ask loads about the pregnancy as things are still raw for me after losing my own baby, but I want you to know I am so happy for you. Lots of love. xxxx"

Obviously though the most important thing is that you do whatever makes you feel best, OP, so feel free to ignore that advice. And I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

As it happens, I saw my pregnant friend yesterday - we invited them over for lunch. It was fine and I did feel happy for them. I had a particularly crap week with her news, my first period after mc and consultant appt but that sort of made me realise that actually I need her support. She was devastated at the thought she had upset me. I tackled it all head on this weekend and invited another friend with her newborn over on Sat, which was also fine. People don't really know what to say or how to react to something as sad as a miscarriage if they haven't experienced it and even I don't know - we all just muddle through. They are good friends and are as heartbroken as me about the loss of my baby, so in the end it didn't matter what was said or how or if I was upset or if they were - we are all moving on with life, babies, pregnancies and all.

Ah, so glad you saw your friend and gave her a chance to support you when you need it milki. Hope 2013 ends up being a brilliant year.