Just a place to say what I'm struggling with...

[Onemoreloss]

I went to a 12 week scan a couple of weeks ago where it was confirmed that the baby had died. I say "confirmed" because I'd suspected it. I'm healing really well physically, but emotionally there's a particular aspect of the scan that I'm finding really hard to shake and feel there's no one to talk with about it.

This is because I want to be strong and well and I really am for the most part. But one of my closest friends is pregnant at the moment, only a couple of weeks ahead of where I would have been. And our network of friends is close and I don't want to speak with them because I don't want to dampen her excitement, and I don't want to miss her pregnancy so we're still seeing a lot of each other. And other friends are pregnant and I don't want them being careful around me. I don't want to talk to my OH about this beycause I'm healing quickly and want him to know that I'm well so we can try again asap. So I feel stuck with this memory.

At the 12 week scan, I tried to prepare OH as much as I could for the possibility that it wouldn't go well, but I hadn't had cramps or bleeding so all he had to go on was what he thought was my fear. I felt strong, emotionally prepared, it wasn't our first mc so I knew what to be prepared for, and as I laid down I reached out to hold his hand. I'm sure he thought I was looking for comfort myself but I was wanting to comfort him for what I knew was about to happen. The bit that really hurts, that I'm stuck on, is that I could really feel him willing for them to find a heartbeat. I've never felt more loved by anyone ever and he wants this because I want it. He was just glued to the screen, and I could feel how badly he felt for me. He hadn't wanted children but when I asked him he just agreed, he's been so wonderful, and since then we've had two mc's. And the first one, seeing how hard it was on me emotionally, really hurt him. I didn't want him to see me suffer like that again. So I don't want to talk with him about this.

I'm doing well, I'm not faking that. But this memory, of him willing them to find a heartbeat, is so painful. I feel like trying to have a child is hurting OH, who's hurting for me, too much. He's happy to keep trying, he's spoken to friends and me about it and I really think his pain is just for me, he will be ok if we don't. We will try again as soon as we're able but I feel guilty for putting him through this.

Thanks to MN and MNers for there being a place for me to write about this.

Hi onemore I'm so sorry for your losses, I have had 2 mc this year and can totally understand how you feel. One of the hardest things for me too was the look on
my oh face as the sonographer searched for the heartbeat second time around, it is something I will never ever forget and through all of it that is probably what hurt me the most I just can"t get that image out of my head. Although we were sort of prepared for it because id had some spotting my oh was trying to be so positive that it was going to be ok, but as she scanned me I just turned and said to him its too small it should be bigger by now and he just looked heartbroken. I think they try to be so strong for us but its impossible because although we are going through the physical they are hurting too. The thought of ever going for another scan fills me with dread but will have to cross that bridge when we come to it. I just wanted you to know you are not alone, mumsnet has been a godsend when i needed to get things off my chest but couldn't say them to anyone in rl (i also have a sil pregnant and numerous friends) feel free to chat anytime. Take care x

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages I feel for both of you. When we had our second miscarriage we found out at our twelve week scan like you did, but we weren't expecting it. I had had light spotting at nine weeks we had an early scan and everything was fine but it had died just after that and we didn't know. My DH was inconsolable when we found out. I didn't cry straight away I was worried about were we would go from there and what I should expect physically. I 'got over' it quicker than he did. I think it's hard for them to see their OH in distress and physical and emotional pain and not to be able to do anything about it. They just want to protect us. You do need to talk to each other about how you are feeling and if one of you is having a down day, the other just needs to listen and be there for them.

Try not to feel guilty you did nothing wrong. I found my DH was more optimistic than me everytime so hit him harder. I think we mentally prepare ourselves for the worst, so when it happens we are able to cope a bit more.

If its any consolation I had six miscarriages (not that I'm saying you are going to) before we had our dd in March. So it is worth persevering if you feel able to.

I wish you both the best of luck for the future.

Take care xx

Butterfly, my heart goes out to you over your telling your OH the baby was too small, I also talked through that with my OH. And to you Geekster, that you weren't expecting it, that frightens me, I can't imagine how awful that moment must have been. I agree with you both, that our OH's try to be strong and protect us, it really makes my heart ache. Butterfly, I hope your next scan is every wonderful thing it should be, I know the worry. And thanks Geekster, it is helpful to remember it can end well. We only started trying a year ago, time is not on our side, it took me a while to find OH, but I am remaining optimistic until time runs out. It's helpful to talk about that moment. Thanks to you both.

One more- good luck to you I'm pleased you are optomistic as it is so easy to go the other way. Fingerd crossed we get our happy endings soon x

Geekster- wow six miscarriages that really does give people like us hope that we will get there eventually, i think after each one the dream of it ever being ok gets further away I take my hat off to you for not giving up. Congratulations on you dd :-) x

You say time is running out onemoreloss I don't know how old you are but I was 39 when I had dd and am 40 now, so don't let age put you off.

Butterfly I wish you the best of luck for the future it does feel with each subsequent one that it will never happen, it's horrible. But it can and does happen, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for both of you.

I hope you both get the endings and happiness you deserve xx