What should I say to my friend and what to avoid

[maxijazz]

I hope its not inappropriate to post this question here, if so please do let me know and i can move it. My friend miscarried last week and I'm seeing her tomorrow. I have never experienced a MC so have no idea what she's going through but I do have a child so understand how much you love your baby from the moment you get the BFP. She's in pieces and I really want to support her through this.

I know well meaning people can say things that are actually quite insensitive and I'm nervous of saying the wrong thing so I thought i'd ask the wise ladies of mumsnet what might help her and what things don't help.

My best wishes to all

I want to get on this thread with a very similar question as I've been meaning to start a thread, hope you don't mind.

I've become aware that a friend has suffered another miscarriage. Both times she didn't tell me she was pregnant. I don't actually know if she knows I knew iyswim. Do I mention it or not? If she knows I know then ill seem like I'm avoiding the subject, but if not and I tell her, then it's just more upset - I'm working on the basis that if she wanted me to know shed tell me herself.

Max - IMO, pretty much the only thing your safe with saying is "I'm sorry. That's really crap. Do you want to talk about what happened?" and then let her take the lead. I say this as someone who had 4 mc. I went a bit loopy after each one and often well intentioned comments sent me into a completely irrational rage.

Five - I think probably the best thing to say is something like "I heard your news. I'm really sorry" and see what happens from there.

Thanks neolara, that's very useful. I'm so sorry for your losses.

Not at all fives, do join in :)

I agree with Neolara, let them take the lead in the conversation. Offer condolence, tea, wine if they want it. chocolate would be good too, and lots of hugs

Also, remember to keep in contact. Even if she seems to be getting on with life, make sure to ask how she is, as it will always be there

I agree with what neolara said. Don't try to find any positives in it. There's a helpful leaflet here called [http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/support/other-peoples-reactions/ someone you know]
It will probably mean an enormous amount if you can remember that it happened and ask her from time to time how she is coping. People forget so quickly. Her due date and the anniversary are likely to be difficult times - maybe you can make a note in your diary and send her a card around that time?

or even someone you know

She's not relying on you to have anything useful to say. Just show up with a hug and a sympathetic face. Tell her you're sorry she's had to go through this. But don't tell her it wasn't meant to be or that it was just nature's way etc

She will probably want to talk about it - just be a good ear.

Thank you so much, great idea to put due date in calendar. Thanks for the 'donts' as well puff, very important.

Do - offer your heartfelt condolences to her and her family!
Give her the chance to have a shoulder to cry on!
Hug/ hand holding is good!
Offer her any support you can it can be - lunch or a coffee to maybe looking after her other dc while her and DH/ DP go out for a dinner or a movie!!!
Don't - avoid her! Ignore her!
Go with upbeat attitude saying something like it was natures
Way or thank God it happened now rather then later!
Tell her she can try again!
Send her a card on the due date, maybe give her a call and take the lead from her about how's she's coping. A card may spark of feelings she may not need or want to be reminded of!!!

You sound like a very head smart person and I doubt you will do anything silly! The Don't are things that trust me I heard!!!! Wasn't nice!

Saw my friend earlier, your wise words were very useful and i somehow found words to comfort her, so thank you again for taking the time to post

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